My husband isn't welcome at his father's funeral

Dasa

My partner has nothing to do with one of his sons and he always says to me that he doesn't want him at his funeral. I will do my best to carry out his wishes but won't be able to stop him going if he wants to. I will if he turns up tell him in front of everyone that his dad didn't want him there. Why go to a funeral when you know that you aren't wanted and it will cause trouble?

Torry_Quine

Dasa wrote: »

My partner has nothing to do with one of his sons and he always says to me that he doesn't want him at his funeral. I will do my best to carry out his wishes but won't be able to stop him going if he wants to. I will if he turns up tell him in front of everyone that his dad didn't want him there. Why go to a funeral when you know that you aren't wanted and it will cause trouble?

That would be cruel in my opinion. Far better to have no interaction and concentrate on your own grief.

Jagraf

I'm wondering what he will achieve by going? He can't put he record straight with his father, but he could perhaps talk to the wife? As someone else said, perhaps make contact to check for sure whether he isn't wanted there.

I'm not sure going to the crem will help with the issues of the past

rogueylawyer

I'm so sorry he's going through this. Ultimately he needs to consider what he needs, I can completely understand the need to be there. If he knows who the funeral director is then maybe contacting them directly so they can help him slip in and out relatively unseen?

Corelli

My husband is definitely not wanted. He was phoned last night and told this directly. It is all very hurtful.

Pricivius said "Would I do the same in hindsight? Yes, because I was part of his life and should not be erased from history like I never happened. But it was a very tough day." and that feels so like my husband's situation. He should not be written off because his existence is an awkward reminder to that side of the family what happened. If the father had been a bad father and my husband had no happy childhood memories it would be so much easier to not care. Still don't know what is going to happen on the day.

rogueylawyer

Corelli wrote: »

My husband is definitely not wanted. He was phoned last night and told this directly. It is all very hurtful.

Pricivius said "Would I do the same in hindsight? Yes, because I was part of his life and should not be erased from history like I never happened. But it was a very tough day." and that feels so like my husband's situation. He should not be written off because his existence is an awkward reminder to that side of the family what happened. If the father had been a bad father and my husband had no happy childhood memories it would be so much easier to not care. Still don't know what is going to happen on the day.

My father's family took a similar view. Ultimately you do move on, regardless of what they do, and with a better life without them.

Either way, it may be worth your husband speaking with someone about this, after a few weeks. There's a lot of thoughts and feelings tied up with this, and from my experience it only complicates the grieving process.

Dasa

Torry_Quine wrote: »

That would be cruel in my opinion. Far better to have no interaction and concentrate on your own grief.

He has already been told that he would not be wanted there and him going would be just to exercise his own self-importance, so not be cruel at all. He has had no problems being cruel to his dad over many years. You go to a funeral out of respect and he has none while he is alive so why fake it at that person's death.

Corelli

Dasa wrote: »

He has already been told that he would not be wanted there and him going would be just to exercise his own self-importance, so not be cruel at all. He has had no problems being cruel to his dad over many years. You go to a funeral out of respect and he has none while he is alive so why fake it at that person's death.

No. He has not been cruel to his father for years. His father cut off contact years ago.

rogueylawyer

Dasa wrote: »

He has already been told that he would not be wanted there and him going would be just to exercise his own self-importance, so not be cruel at all. He has had no problems being cruel to his dad over many years. You go to a funeral out of respect and he has none while he is alive so why fake it at that person's death.

It's never that black and white with families. People act as they do for real reasons, and changes in our lives offer the opportunity for change within us. Sometimes it's at a person's funeral, when it's too late to reconcile with them, that we realise all we have missed and could have offered.

rogueylawyer

Corelli wrote: »

No. He has not been cruel to his father for years. His father cut off contact years ago.

I think (hope) that Dasa was referring to their own situation, not your partner's.