My husband isn't welcome at his father's funeral

Dasa

Corelli wrote: »

No. He has not been cruel to his father for years. His father cut off contact years ago.

Sorry Corelli was not talking about your husband was talking about my step-son,but even so , don't think you should go where you're not wanted might make him feel worse if something is said to him at such an emotional time for everyone.

Corelli

Dasa wrote: »

Sorry Corelli was not talking about your husband was talking about my step-son,but even so , don't think you should go where you're not wanted might make him feel worse if something is said to him at such an emotional time for everyone.

LOL, I was thinking about this whilst I made coffee and came back to see if I'd missed something. I obviously did. So sorry to hear of your own family difficulties. You've a point, though I suspect a feeling of righteous indignation might help him survive the situation.

hcb42

I think I would go, and slip out quietly from the back etc.

No matter how poor the childhood was, or lack of contact, I think that closure is needed

Torry_Quine

Dasa wrote: »

He has already been told that he would not be wanted there and him going would be just to exercise his own self-importance, so not be cruel at all. He has had no problems being cruel to his dad over many years. You go to a funeral out of respect and he has none while he is alive so why fake it at that person's death.

I see where you're coming from and have no wish to add pain but if he were to come then just ignoring him would be better than giving him the attention you think he wants.

As to paying your respects none of can truly know someone else's motives especially at such a difficult time.

jenhug

Corelli, has your husband considered going to see his father at the funeral directors? He could possibly have some quiet reflection time with his father alone, and could put a letter in with him in the coffin or just sit and chat with him. If you don't know the funeral director, call the crematorium who will be able to give you details.

barbiedoll

OP, it sounds like your husband's father lost contact with his first family at the behest of his second wife, now she is calling the shots at the funeral. Which as NOK, she is entitled to do.

I wouldn't advise your husband attending the funeral. His father was clearly not the man he wanted him to be, I think your husband was absolutely right not to call him "dad", as he said, it's a title to be earned. But attending the funeral won't change that and if any trouble kicks off, it will just mean more bad memories for your husband.

Sadly, your FIL was quite happy to leave his children and not look back. Your husband's first mistake was going to see him in the first place. I daresay that even if he had called his father "dad" and hadn't asked him how long he was expected to live, there would have been some other excuse for the second wife/family to keep your husband at arms length.

I can understand why your husband wants closure, there are ways of doing so, privately and at a different time/place. But going along to the funeral of a man with whom he has no real relationship, is only going to cause more heartache for him and it won't make the second wife feel guilty, it will just give her and her family more of an excuse to badmouth your husband. She knows what she has done, she knows she has helped and encouraged a man to abandon his children.

What a horrible dilemma, I hope your husband does come to terms with this. But I honestly don't think attending the funeral will help him to do so.

Pollycat

Corelli wrote: »

My husband is definitely not wanted. He was phoned last night and told this directly. It is all very hurtful.

I was going to ask who the message (referred to in your first post) came from but you have clarified the situation.

If I were your OH, I would not go to the funeral.

I can't see that anything would be gained by going against the wishes of his Dad's second family.

My opinion may be different if the rift were recent but it's been many years since your OH had anything to do with his own Father - apart from the one visit.

heartbreak_star

If he simply wants to go for closure, I would go for the quietly slip in and out at the back plan.

Sorry your OH is in such a sad situation.

HBS x

duchy

I suspect he did offend his stepmother when he asked his Dad how long he had left ....... I'd be offended if step kids asked this even though they have a relationship with their Dad. You wait to be told- you don't ask !

Frankly he's got by without his Dad all these years ....and going somewhere where people his Dad *did* care about but who don't want him there- will be pointless.

Help him find another way to mark his Dad's passing - Him going to the funeral will just cause more hurt and upset - both to him and his Dad's second family .

A funeral is no place for "righteous indignation"

hardpressed

I'm bit confused, why is your m-in-l going to her ex-husbands funeral as you say the divorce was acrimonious?