New Alcohol self help

imported_goldie

Hi, I posted some time ago about my son and how worried I was about his drinking (his eyes were yellow) I said that I had made a docs appointment. Well he went to that some weeks ago and had a blood test, he came back and said the doc said it was fine, in fact very healthy. He carried on drinking heavily. Today I have just found out he was lying. The doc had actually told him the blood test showed signs of alcohol poisoning. He has done nothing but tell me lies for so long. He will be home later and I want to know how best to confront him. I know in myself I cannot take any more of his lies and behaviour. Do I say he has to make a choice between his family and the drink - that if he doesnt stop drinking and get all the help he can (I am willing to pay if necessary for him to go into rehab) then He has to move out? Or does this make things worse? I know it has to be him who decides to get help but I cant just watch him kill himself. I think he needs a short sharp shock, although the doc obviously told him to stop drinking but he hasnt. Just wondered if anyone been in the same position? Sorry for the long post.

feelinggood_2

Its a difficult situation Goldie, and not something I've got any experience of. Have you contacted Al-Anon?

sarah1980

imported_goldie wrote: »

Hi, I posted some time ago about my son and how worried I was about his drinking (his eyes were yellow) I said that I had made a docs appointment. Well he went to that some weeks ago and had a blood test, he came back and said the doc said it was fine, in fact very healthy. He carried on drinking heavily. Today I have just found out he was lying. The doc had actually told him the blood test showed signs of alcohol poisoning. He has done nothing but tell me lies for so long. He will be home later and I want to know how best to confront him. I know in myself I cannot take any more of his lies and behaviour. Do I say he has to make a choice between his family and the drink - that if he doesnt stop drinking and get all the help he can (I am willing to pay if necessary for him to go into rehab) then He has to move out? Or does this make things worse? I know it has to be him who decides to get help but I cant just watch him kill himself. I think he needs a short sharp shock, although the doc obviously told him to stop drinking but he hasnt. Just wondered if anyone been in the same position? Sorry for the long post.

What a difficult situation for you Goldie, I am so sorry to hear about this and you have my heartfelt sympathy. I think you have it spot on about the "shock" factor. My father was an alcoholic (and thankfully cleaned up 10 years ago by his own accord) and years ago I was anorexic. Now no amount of begging, pleading, bargaining etc. would help. People kept telling me I was going to die and i really didn't believe them. At the time, the only way I can describe how I felt is that I wanted to want to stop. Like I wanted to have that desire to be "normal", but at the time I just didn't want to be normal.

There is only so much you can do and then you have to accept the desperate fact that your son needs to make his own decisions. I do agree that once he sees he has lost his family it may make him think again, but if it doesn't IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. I would also think very carefully before parting with your hard-earned cash/savings for his rehab. Rehab is usually most effective for those who have reached rock bottom - I went and was funded by my parents and I am terribly sad to say I left after 3 weeks.

if he does end up in rehab, they have special groups for the families of the addict and I would highly recommend going to these, my Mum went to them and found them a great support. And, as others have mentioned before, Al-Anon is invaluable (not to mention free!).

Try to remember that you are powerless over your son's disease, and the lies/deceit/addictive behaviour is sympotomatic of his illness. It is not the "real" him, and I hold every hope that you will get your son back one day.

Take care of yourself.

xx

P.S. I got my life back on track in the end through a combination of counselling, OA (Overeaters Anonymous) support groups (which I still attend) and the life-changing Hoffman Quadrinity Process.

imported_goldie

Thanks so much for your reply, I just feel I need to know how others react so it was helpful. Just frightened of "kicking" him out and him going to stay with his friends who are also heavy drinkers, but I suppose if he want stop drinking I have no other choice. You are right in that I have "lost" my son - i dont recognise him anymore with his costant lies/stories. My main concern is will he be able to stop in time - if his blood is showing sign of alcohol poisoning now and he is drinking heavily still. What i dont understand is he is always talking about his plans for the future, saying he wants to get an MA after his degree yet I am sure the doc must have told him he is killing himself.

sarah1980

The thing is, he will have to lose these "friends" (and for all I know, they may be real friends) if he is to stop drinking and stay stopped. It will be hard enough to avoid alcohol, but there is no value of him hanging about with non-recovering alcoholics as eventually he will end up drinking again. Also, if he is "recovered" he will find it very painful and uncomfortable to be around these people. I do not touch drink or drugs at all, because I know I am the sort of person who would very easily get hooked and from my experience the same is true for most addicts. E.g. you will find that most recovered drug addicts will not drink, even of their problem was never alcohol - as my counsellor used to say to me, an addict's motto is "Love the drug you're with"

To let him find his own rock bottom is the one of the most loving, respectful and courageous things you can do. You are empowering him to take responsibility for himself, it is completely selfless and I promise you that when he gets well he will thank you for it.

"Action comes when the pain of staying the same becomes greater than the fear of change". I hope and trust that this will be very soon for your son.

lewt

Hoffman Quadrinity Process

whats this ?

lewt

imported_goldie wrote: »

Thanks so much for your reply, I just feel I need to know how others react so it was helpful. Just frightened of "kicking" him out and him going to stay with his friends who are also heavy drinkers, but I suppose if he want stop drinking I have no other choice. You are right in that I have "lost" my son - i dont recognise him anymore with his costant lies/stories. My main concern is will he be able to stop in time - if his blood is showing sign of alcohol poisoning now and he is drinking heavily still. What i dont understand is he is always talking about his plans for the future, saying he wants to get an MA after his degree yet I am sure the doc must have told him he is killing himself.

hey, the thign to remember is that the poisening would come from the liver and that is the only organ that can repair its self- mine did. i didnt get clean untill i had no one "enabling" me which im not saying you are. try reading this.

http://www.alcoholics-anonymous.org.uk/BigBook/pdf/BigBook_chapt8.pdf

All the best

lewt

i am 2 By the way

suffolkb

Well done Lewt. Good day for me as well. I am 7 years sober today and my place on the science foundation year at UEA has just been confirmed.

sarah1980

lewt wrote: »

Hoffman Quadrinity Process

whats this ?

Hi Lewt,

Congratulations on your sobriety (()).

The Hoffman Process is a 7-day "workshop" which I must stress is NOT de-tox, medically supervised, re-hab. It's not specifically for those in recovery, it can benefit most people. Participants do need to be C&S before taking part, I was a "dry" anorexic (!) when I did this course and it changed my life, made me want to look after myself, got rid of a lot of anger etc. Website is https://www.hoffmaninstitute.co.uk, that will tell you more. Literally every single member of my immediate family has done this course (me, DH, Mum, Dad, brother and 2 sisters) so all I can say is, it worked for us! ;-D

xx