New Alcohol self help

Bogof_Babe

Sorry to read this Feely, although I am not sure what a sponsor is, in this context. Also I'm not sure what has gone wrong with your relationship with this person.

I hope you can sort something else out so that you don't feel abandoned, and remember we are all here for you, if that's any help.

~N_I_K_I~

Hello

I used to frequent this thread a couple of years ago to discuss my partner’s alcoholism. We have had some very low times in recent years (violence, drink-driving, you name it) resulting in me leaving at one point. Things improved after this and have never gotten that bad again, however big problems still remain.

I'd like to just document things here for my own clarity and for the strength I remember feeling with your support. I know that I don’t help the situation at times and want to see clearly where I am going wrong. I back down too often.

I'll start with our latest episode.

3 weeks ago his drinking spiralled out of control, it was every night, all weekend and daily drinks I probably don't know about. He made himself ill, insulted his family, and alienated me. He hit the bottom (again). I took 2 days off work; we spoke with the AA, got meeting times, eased him off it and spent two weeks not drinking. He's quite severe and will go from one extreme to the other. In this time he is in the gym every night, eating ridiculously healthy! Busy, busy, busy! He always says I don’t need AA meetings look how well I’m doing. He has social phobias and going along would be a nightmare for him, so he’s never actually being to one.

Then the boredom sets in, "I don't want to spend the rest of my life not drinking, it's boring, I can do it in moderation, I know I can!. This was Friday. He said lets just have some golden rules and see how it goes. Rule#1 nothing ever stronger than lager, rule#2 no drinking on a Sunday (this always spills over into Monday for him)
I relented and said ok we'll have 4 cans each. I know I've made it very easy but I'm being very honest here. Anyway he had 6, I had 2. Same happened Saturday. Then we had a nice day Sunday, out shopping, kids were away (kids are 13+17 btw), Sunday lunch, more booze. He drank too much, we fell out. Left for work Mon morning, noticed half a bottle (3l) of cider was left so hid it at the back of the fridge. I rang mid morning (he "works" at home) and there was no answer. This tells me straight away that he’s been drinking and fallen asleep. When I got home I had the 'how dare you accuse me' phase which always makes me angry. In the fridge the cider had been refilled with water as I knew it would and clumsily hid in the bin were 4 cans of strong lager. Admitting he’d been caught out, he was sheepish but still in denial. “It’s hardly any amount to drink; I’m making a mountain out of a molehill “etc

I didn’t want to fight so said ok, your experiment failed, we won’t be testing drinking in moderation again, lets just forget it.

Then he decides he’s going to the shop for a “little” drink, 4 cans tops, he doesn’t feel well, I’m not being fair. We had a stand-off, my point being that he was throwing all of my reasonable behaviour back in my face, if I was screaming and shouting he wouldn’t dare tell me he was going to the shop, he was taking the p***, if he went we would fall out. So he went. He returned with 3l of strong cider. We spoke some more later. He knows it’s him.

He won’t drink today. I’m quite certain. Not sure what will happen Friday though.

And that’s it! Thanks if you made it this far

~N_I_K_I~

Sorry for another self-indulgent post but I’ve been reading through the entire thread all day and it’s made see that things are still pretty bad for us. Recently after binges he’s been very ill. It has to stop.

I was quite right that my OH didn’t drink today. He phoned earlier. Had prepared tea for tonight, said he was feeling bored and would walk the dog. He wouldn’t call if he’d had a drink.

I know the cycle so well; I know what’s going to happen before it happens so why can’t I break the cycle?

Tuesdays are lazy, shaky, feeling ill, needing affection. Weds and Thursdays are grumpy, snappy, busy. Fridays are itchy, excuses, denials persuasions, drunk, Saturday, Sunday, Monday are drunk.

One thing that really annoys me is that he never lets his mother down. If we are going to see her he’ll make sure he hasn’t had a drink for the last two days. He has the will at times. I’m probably being silly and jealous.

I used to post on the original thread when things were really bad (I’m talking 2 litres of whisky a day, sometimes more, so he’s made huge steps) and the most profound thing I learnt was that I was not responsible for him. I am not responsible for him. I remember reading that with tears streaming down my face and a weight lifting, I understood it. I think it’s helped us a lot.

I understand that he and only he is responsible for himself but I also understand him and the illness so I should be able to help more. I guess I should never join in with the drinking? Ever?

What other practical steps could I take? He’s quite open to discussion about it the moment, I want to strike while the irons hot.

I feel guilty that I enable him, his mother thinks I do, she wouldn’t let her Arthur drink a lot, she’d say ‘Arthur that’s enough now’ and that was it, he’d just stop! In her eyes no woman worth her salt would let their man get away with what I let him get away with.
Maybe she’s right; I do let him get away with a lot.

habibi_2

Hi NIKI

Welcome back to the site and thanks for telling us how things are with you. You are right - you are not responsible for your partner's drinking. He is a big boy and you can only be responsible for yourself. I tried joining in with the drinking with the problem drinker in my life but I learnt the painful way that I will never beat a drinker at drinking! And I could put a fair amount of vodka away.

You do not mention whether you considered Al-Anon before - the contact details are on the first post of this thread. They publish an excellent pamphlet called 'The Merry-Go-Round Named Denial'. This helped me enormously to break the 'cycle', maybe it would help you too.

Feel free to PM me. Good luck

M
xxx

~N_I_K_I~

Hi habibi

Thanks for replying. Threads a lot quieter than it used to be.

I have a post-it stuck to my screen with details of an Al-anon meeting tomorrow. I may try to go. OH would wonder where I was though and he just wouldn't understand me going. Next week would work better so i think I will go along then.

Can you download the pamplets?

Still wondering what the weekend will bring.
x

habibi_2

No, the 'old-timers' are not around so much these days.

I try to remember I am getting help for myself, despite what others may think. A week won't make a lot of difference but, there again, a meeting may help you through the weekend. I wish now that I went to Al-Anon years before I did but I also know I wasn't ready for it.

I don't think you can download the pamphlets but it might be worth having a look

M
x

brodev

Hi folks. I have been homeless due to unfinished work in my house and I have not had internet access. I am back home tomorrow :T and I am really looking forward to it. I hope you get help at Alanon Niki.

brodev

Again over a week and no posts. I hope it is because people are well. I don't know about others but because of the comparative intimacy of the posts on here I feel as if I know the people involved and I regret not being in touch. I cannot help but wonder if Niki has been to a meeting and if she found it helpful for example

Taffyscot

Hi all,
I too hope you are all well and keeping your head above water or maybe rephrase that above alcohol and drinking lots of water!!!!!!!!!!!!! Will be home Sunday night in England right now. Hope to see you in the Largs meeting on Monday if I do not sleep in. Taffy

Caz3121

I have read through this post and am so pleased how you guys are all doing. My partner of 3 and a half years is an alcoholic previously in denial and thought he just liked a drink but 12 months ago realised he had a problem and went into rehab, unfortunately he didn't keep up with his AA meetings and relapsed but, since 1st May he has been totally dry attends meetings most days (sometimes twice) reads his Day at a Time religiously and is thoroughly enjoying his life being sober and is conscous that it is very different this time.
The question I have relates to alcoholism being hereditary.
His father is also an alcoholic and has recently celebrated his 34th birthday (his wife threw him out and divorced him when he was drinking and he got himself straight and woo'ed her back and they remarried 4 years after the divorce)
My partner has 2 teenage children that live with their mother who is also an alcoholic although has never had the lightbulb moment but whose life revolves around alcohol (they really were a good match when together but could not be more different now - he felt he had a serious problem with alcohol may years ago but was laughed at by his ex and then MIL that he was just being stupid and there was no problem, everyone liked drink - ex's parents also both heavy drinkers)
My partner feels he will need to sit down with his children and advise them about the illness that some people have and not others and they may have it so should be very aware.
They know he has stopped drinking (although has not mentioned the word 'alcoholic' and the eldest 15 is really pleased. With their mothers subsequent relationships and her relationship with the children 'drink=aggresion and violence' and although my partner was never agressive or violent with drink they prefer him being more 'human' and sober (as do I)
Has anyone done this and is their any advice. He is really worried that they currently live with drink every day - they were spending a lot of time in bars from the ages of 9 and 10 when they split up and often miss school as mother too hungover to take them.
He is aware he has been no angel and it took to the age of 41 to have his lightbulb moment and knows that children will drink (daughter from 12 would get drunk on vodka with her mates) but also knows there is a difference between drinking and being an alcoholic and has seen the guilt his father feels that his son had the same illness as him (but also the pride that he is dry - they have even gone to meetings together)
sorry for the ramble.....
I have had a look about for info on whether there is any hereditary evidence and found this http://web4health.info/gr/add-alcohol-inherited.htm so it does look like they may have a higher risk of having alcohol problems.
has anyone had to have this conversation with their children?