How Many Friends would you say you have?

FatVonD

taliwillow wrote: »

Just wrote a long post about friendship in the modern world then hit the wrong button and lost it all! Arrgghh.

The gist of the post was that it seems in my friendship circle, if aren't on facebook you don't exist (I recently deactivated my facebook account as I felt it wasn't helping my mental health). Maybe it's just because it's Christmas but I think it is more likely to be that facebook is a quick and easy way to speak to people and no one seems to have the time or inclination to make an effort with others. Since leaving facebook I have not heard from anyone.

So in answer to your question OP, I would say I don't have any friends. Although at the moment maybe that is the best thing for me.

Off topic but your smashing of debt figures are pretty impressive, well done!

barbarawright

taliwillow wrote: »

Just wrote a long post about friendship in the modern world then hit the wrong button and lost it all! Arrgghh.

The gist of the post was that it seems in my friendship circle, if aren't on facebook you don't exist (I recently deactivated my facebook account as I felt it wasn't helping my mental health). Maybe it's just because it's Christmas but I think it is more likely to be that facebook is a quick and easy way to speak to people and no one seems to have the time or inclination to make an effort with others. Since leaving facebook I have not heard from anyone.

So in answer to your question OP, I would say I don't have any friends. Although at the moment maybe that is the best thing for me.

I do get that - I use FB a lot and and much more likely to make arrangements with people who are on it because it's just less trouble. But you decided not to use it - are you still keeping up with people by other methods or are you waiting for them to contact you? I've had periods of my life where I have had far fewer friends than I do now but, if I'm honest with myself it's because I tend to wait for other people to make contact. It's very easy to sit around feeling sorry for oneself because nobody gets in touch. Far harder to make the effort yourself.

As for FB - I mostly use it to discuss books and films and telly and random articles. I let a lot of the 'isn't my life wonderful?' stuff just wash over me. It's not compulsory to actually read everything!

FBaby

I second this. I think it's really difficult meeting friends these days.

I have found that the best way to make new friends is through routine activity. It's amazing how you can totally ignore someone you see once, start showing a distant interest to them when you start to see them regularly, up to the point that you become curious about them which is how you start conversation and it goes from there.

Newly_retired

Just now when routine activities are shut down, it can get a bit lonely.
My DH is away now visiting his family so I could easily not speak to anyone all week, as I don't know anyone well enough to contact them.

Robisere

I have just lost my oldest friend, played together as children from 2 years of age, went out together as teens and young men. At 22 he left to marry and live abroad, then in 2009 we contacted each other again via a School reunion, after which we emailed every week at least once. In 2010 he came over after a stomach cancer operation and the years just went away, he was divorced but my wife learned to love him as a brother, much as I did. He has been coming over to see his sister and us for every year and we grew closer, the years between parting melted away. Then this year he had to go back early as he felt ill and we had a family illness to cope with, so we missed seeing him. Then 2 nights ago his sister rang to tell me that he had died on Christmas Eve and I cannot explain the depth of our grief, we are totally devastated. I spent last night emailing and phoning all his old friends here in the UK, everyone who knew him is grieving, he was the kind of man who touched people.

His sister told me that she has learned from his family abroad, that his cancer had returned, but he had told no one, refusing to see a doctor, but was determined to come back one last time. His last email to me breaks my heart, he is commiserating with me about the serious illness in my family, with no mention of how ill he was. He went home to die we believe, alone in his new bungalow, on Christmas Eve. That is so like him, did it his way, quietly, no fuss and no bother to anyone else.

This had been a great Christmas for us until now, a real family affair, but now I feel so desperately sad that I did not see my old mate one last time and tell him how much I loved him.

RIP Victor, childhood playmate, teenage buddy, lifelong friend, perfect gentleman.

barbarawright

That's so sad, Robisere. It's really hard to lose a good friend and he sounds a lovely guy.

Soleil_lune

January20 wrote: »

It's interesting to see what people regard as being a friend and compare it with my views.

There are people I work with who would say they are my friends, but we only work together, chat for a few minutes occasionally and very, very rarely meet outside work, as I don't really want to spend my free time watching my Ps & Qs! They are not my friends.

I have fewer friends than ever because I am much more fussy about who I spend my time with. I've just cut ties with a someone because of their constant moaning, their ignorant and intolerant attitude and I felt their demands on my free time were getting too much. I feel a bit guilty about this to be honest, but I must be selfish and do what is right for me.

I know that I also "detach" myself from people because of past experiences: I too had a best friend who ended up running with my partner. I have 2 closer friends, but they are from abroad and one will be going back soon I think, whilst the other spends all her holidays back home.

I wonder if it's an age thing also: as I'm older, I know that people leaving, getting a new partner, etc means I'll see a lot less, if any at all, of them. Some friends are in your life for a certain period of time. I'm not sure I want to invest the emotional energy it requires. I'm also the person people turn to in a crisis. I'm practical and supportive, but for me, it's exhausting!

Right witcha!

I have had many friends throughout my life. And for one reason or another, most are no longer friends. With some, we just drifted apart, after one of us moved jobs or moved house, and some just got on my nerves and I started contacting them less (for the reasons you outlined; draining you of your energy and moaning constantly, or being flaky and unreliable.)

Also, me and DH have had relationships with couples in the past, and THEY went belly up too. One relationship became intensely suffocating, and for some reason, we seemed to see this couple 2 or 3 times a WEEK. I didn't want to really, but DH did, as he was a good friend of the man. His wife and I had nothing whatsoever in common, and I was often bored witless in her company, when DH spent hours chatting to his mate/her DH. I was glad when they left the area and the relationship with them dissolved. We had another 'couply' relationship before that, and DH thought the bloke was a 'legend,' until he tried it on with me.

Right now, we have a couple close to us (15 mins walk,) who have asked us around about 10 times in the last year. (I met her at a hobby group nearby...) We have accepted twice. And also, on about 10 other occasions, they have tried to invite themselves to ours. We invited them a couple of times, but they stay HOURS!!! The last time was July, and after about 6 times of us putting them off between late July and mid September; they decided to take it upon themselves to just turn up! They did this some 4 or 5 times throughout September and October.

I don't mind socialising with people occasionally, but not seeing them once or twice a week! We have got to the point now where we don't answer the door! We have a garage so we can put the car in there so they can't see if we're in. But now she has started ringing me on my mobile, to see where we are and what time we will be back! I just text and say 'not for days... we are away!' I am so glad she is 15 minutes walk from me and not next door!

THIS is why I can't be bothered with friends very much. They are either flaky and useless or suffocating and energy draining. I have 3 friends who live 15-30 miles away (they don't know each other,) and I see them once a month, and that is fine with each one of us. I have known one for 35 years, and the others for 10-15 years. They will all be friends for life I believe, and the friendships are not over bearing and stressful...

Someone wanting to see me all the time really irks me. This woman who lives near me takes it personally if we say no to going out, and often refuses to take no for an answer! I told her categorically on 21st December (at the Carol concert) when she said 'wanna come around for a drink over Christmas?' that me and DH had plans over Christmas, and that we were doing stuff with our family. And that we would see her and her DH on new years eve at the pub when we go to the party there.

She then texts Christmas night and says 'me and Steve can pop over if you like; we'll bring a bottle of wine.' Even though I stated that we were busy with family til new year's eve! I texted saying 'we aren't free til new years eve now.' No response.

Then today, me and DH were on our way to visit family, and were just getting in the car, when this couple trotted around the corner, on their way to visit us! We said 'we are off out as we are meeting family.' She said 'awww, we were just passing and thought we'd pop in for a sherry...' SHE DOESN'T LISTEN! DRIVES ME CRAZY! 'When are you free then' she says 'NEW YEAR'S EVE' I said. GRRRRRRRR! Like I said, some 'friends' are a pain! They could not have been 'just passing' as going past our house doesn't lead anywhere!!!

This couple are OK, in small doses, but way too pushy and over-bearing. To see them once a month would be plenty! I like the relationships with the 3 friends who I see once a month, who live 15-30 miles away much more.