Should People Have Children If They Cant Afford Them

Jagraf

Over the years, the comments I have received about "just having one".

TBeckett100

As a man it bitterly annoys me that we can just walk away and start again leaving the woman to cope for 6 days a week. I'm not sure if when divorcing I could ever just see my daughter once a week. I wouldn't fight for custody as that is grossly unfair all round.

That said, I never enjoy taking my daughter out without my wife at weekends. Somehow people look at you as a Weekend dad.

Happier_Me

We waited until we could afford children so we were 30 (me) and 29 (DH) before our first arrived. We had our own house, good jobs, decent amount in savings and no debt at this point.

Nine years on, with two children and a house move we are still doing well financially. The financially crippling younger years where our childcare costs were higher than our mortgage have gone and we are 18 months away from being mortgage free.

For me it was important we were financially secure enough to have kids. I was brought up on a council estate, my dad coming from a family that has spent generations relying on state handouts. He was different and I watched my parents struggle to improve their situation. They have always worked and have done very well for themselves but my dads wider family haven't changed much at all.

My cousin had her first child at 15 and, in her mid twenties now has three kids altogether. Same dad which is good and she is married but she hasn't worked a day in her life. Her DH can't hold down a job and has been unemployed for the past 5 years. They live off the state.

They just don't understand how we are better off than they are. My response to the 'how can you afford a car like that?' Is usually 'we have worked really hard all our lives'. What I actually want to say is 'while you were knocking out kids in your teens, with no income or education to support them, I went to college and then worked full time, studied for my Accountancy qualification in the evening and held down a weekend job until I qualified at the age of 23. I have worked really hard since to progress why career and I have made sensible finiancial decisions along the way. This is why I can afford these nice things now'. But she wouldn't understand.

The sad thing is that her kids are likely to follow in her footsteps because they don't know any better. It seems that there is just one exception in each generation on my dads side that escapes the state handout rut.

FBaby

There is a big difference between a couple well educated with some experience behind them, but struggling a bit at that time because one is in between jobs and they live in an expensive area etc... who do have good prospect of being self-sufficient at some time, and a couple in their early 20s, with no work experience or education who are much likely to do so after they start having children and realise that they will always be better off financially relying on child benefit then working.

There is also a difference between taking the decision to having a first child when in a committed relationship and the female is in her mid 30s wondering if she can afford it and a single 23 year women who already has 3 kids from 3 different dads wanting a 4th one.

borkid

kingfisherblue wrote: »

Whilst I agree with this, you cannot predict what will happen. I was married when I had my three children. My husband worked full time and I worked part time. We could afford our mortgage on a three bedroom semi in our home town (North West England).


One of our sons was born with major disabilities. His first surgery was when he was nine hours old. I gave up work and for the first time ever, I claimed benefits (DLA and Carer's Allowance). Fast forward five years. My husband left me and our children to start a new family elsewhere. I couldn't work due my son's needs. Childcare for children with disabilities is almost non-existant, and what is available tends to be far more expensive than regular childcare. I had to claim income support and child tax credits.


Almost ten years later, I am still on benefits. It isn't through choice, but through circumstance. My son will never live independently, and will need care for the rest of his life. Without government help, I couldn't afford to feed and clothe him. So at the moment, it has to be said that I can't afford children (without financial help from the government). But I could when they were born.


Nobody knows what life will throw at them. It has been suggested that I get a part time job during school hours, but with appointments at two hospitals, plus various clinics, I would often need time off. In addition, as I am still up during the night seeing to my son's needs, I sometimes sleep when he is at school, as I need to catch up. Even doing basic things when you are exhausted is a major challenge.


So yes, I could afford to have children, but life changed. The OP's question has too many variables to answer properly.

I read the OP as deciding to have children when you were already unable to support them and not through a change of circumstances out of your control. Your case is different as the circunstances are out of your control, this is what the benefits system is for and not lifestyle choices ie "I want 4 children but don't earn enough well never mind I'll have them and tax credits will make up the shortfall " attitude.

balletshoes

borkid wrote: »

I read the OP as deciding to have children when you were already unable to support them and not through a change of circumstances out of your control.
Your case is different as the circunstances are out of your control, this is what the benefits system is for and not lifestyle choices ie "I want 4 children but don't earn enough well never mind I'll have them and tax credits will make up the shortfall " attitude.

and then the OP in a subsequent post went on to describe the finances of the couple she's talking about, making it clear that in fact they can afford financially to look after their child, they just seem to want the grandad to stump up for loads of designer kit for the child etc, thats where the rub seems to be for the OP.

borkid

balletshoes wrote: »

and then the OP in a subsequent post went on to describe the finances of the couple she's talking about, making it clear that in fact they can afford financially to look after their child, they just seem to want the grandad to stump up for loads of designer kit for the child etc, thats where the rub seems to be for the OP.

Yes I read that but was thinking the original post was a very general post and that the post about the couple was what had triggered her thoughts on the original post. In some ways it's irrelevant how much money someone has and more relevant what lifestyle they want. So even if you are rich but can't provide the lifestyle you want for your children should you have had children in the first place. This could easily become a philosophical discussion.

When we chose to have children 30+ years ago we waited until we were able to provide the lifestyle we wanted to give them. We could have had them earlier if we were prepared to just provide the basics and live in a less desirable part of town/ leave them with a child minder or in a nursery but this isn't what we wanted so we waited. OK we had no foreign holidays, no designer clothes etc but that wasn't and has never been part of our lifestyle. What we did want to provide were books, music, good food, warmth and perhaps most importantly time.

Re expecting grand dad to pay for things and even expecting their house again this is the parents lifestyle expectations, they can't afford them so should they have had the child? If it was my child they would be told in no uncertain terms what to do.

duchy

bluelass wrote: »

They can. But with my hubby being a first time granddad she thinks its a privledge and he should buy or give whatever she wants for the child. everytime we see her its oh I seen this or that for him but its such a price. Does anyone know what im saying now?

Oh so you aren't talking about "people" but about your stepdaughter ? Your post makes it sound like you are not the grandmother ?

How does your husband/her father feel about it ?
Some grandparents are so thrilled to be a grandparent they enjoy giving gifts and don't mind spending a lot of money.

It isn't clear if you are saying HE feels pressured and doesn't really want to or if it is YOU who feels differently and you two aren't in agreement..

Frankly it sounds like you don't want to discuss the wider issue but more about the difficulties between you and your husband and your feelings about your stepdaughter. If you and your husband are in agreement about where you should live -and how his estate should be distrbuted (assuming you don't pre--decease him) then it doesn't matter what his daughter thinks. If however you two are not in agreement then that is where your problem is - and nothing to do with "people" at all and just about your marriage.

DKLS

bluelass wrote: »

Should anyone consider starting a family if they really cannot afford to. People these days think they can have it all, then expect family and friends to finance childcare, buying or renting property or holidays etc.

The standard reply on MSE to any thread about can I afford to have children is always:

You will never afford so just get trying it will be amazing and the making of you and you will manage everybody does (and don't forget the benefits calculator)

Funnily enough If I posted that I was desperate to have an Aston Martin V12 in my life, the comments would be very different, especially as there are no benefits to support my lifestyle choice.

catkins

DKLS wrote: »

The standard reply on MSE to any thread about can I afford to have children is always:

You will never afford so just get trying it will be amazing and the making of you and you will manage everybody does (and don't forget the benefits calculator)

Funnily enough If I posted that I was desperate to have an Aston Martin V12 in my life, the comments would be very different, especially as there are no benefits to support my lifestyle choice.

Exactly! I don't understand why there is such a thing as child allowance at all. This country and the planet are overpopulated so why give money to people to make it even more so?


If I want a dog or cat or horse or nice car I have to pay for them