Real life dilemma - place your bets

January20

VfM4meplse wrote: »

I meet loads of men, and discount 99.9% immediately. I'm looking for a spark, it's not easy to describe but I know it when I see it.

I think I know exactly what you mean! It gets more and more difficult to find it, as you get older I guess. If I was looking for a partner, I would say the same: 99.9% of the men I meet are unsuitable for one reason or another!

It's really interesting to read some of the comments you got. Advice to "relax as it will happen" or "put yourself out there" is ok when you are in your 20s, in your 50s and beyond, it's not really helpful, but I suppose most people haven't looked for a partner in their 40s and beyond!

However, are you really looking seriously? Do you really want to date somebody or do you feel you ought to, because of pressures from friends or family, even colleagues, who make you feel you should conform? Are all the men you meet really not suitable or do you actually find faults in them so you don't have to proceed forward?

pelirocco

It's not a 'real life dilemma ' you aren't in. (or ever have been ) in a relationship with any of them . You could substitute the letters with any names ranging from Prince Charles to Attila the Hun , it would make as much sense .

Tigsteroonie

pelirocco wrote: »

It's not a 'real life dilemma ' you aren't in. (or ever have been ) in a relationship with any of them . You could substitute the letters with any names ranging from Prince Charles to Attila the Hun , it would make as much sense .

It's more of a 'real life dilemma' than some of the far-fetched stories that MSE trolls dream up to keep us amused ...

V4M, if the shame factor were allowed to run our life, we'd never do anything, we'd never take any risks. Sometimes you have to take that risk. Would you rather go through life regretting not having asked him?

happyandcontented

A and B are non runers from what you have said. The other two need to be taken further. It is not really a dilemma in terms of what needs doing is it? It is more a dilemma of getting the courage to do it.

Really though, what have you got to lose? One is openly out there on a dating site, so just as "exposed" as you are, and the other you need never see again (if when contacted to meet up in a group with mutual friends perhaps) he doesn't reciprocate.

Wth regard to family, I think it is wise to consider their reactions as it makes life simpler and less stressful than there being antipathy on one or both sides to interaction. That said, you don't need to choose someone they love, just someone they can get on with reasonably.

You have to love him, not them. That is the most important point imo. Which of these men could you love, and despite the calculations and angst, you will have a gut feel for that.....so who is it?

piglet25

I think that none of them are the one for you because if they were you wouldn't have to ask on here. Bin them all and look elsewhere xx

Bogof_Babe

I found myself thinking about this again while trying to get to sleep last night, and I suddenly wondered whether you were actually hoping to be told to go for Mr A, regardless of his situation and what your family would say. You spoke so fondly of him, he obviously means a great deal to you, more so than any of the others I'd say, from what you wrote.

However, IF he is married or attached then I can't condone you continuing to lust after him. Close that chapter of your life right away, before hearts get broken (potentially including yours). However, IF he's free (even with kids, but without a partner), then s0d what your family think - it's your life.

purpleshoes_2

VfM4meplse wrote: »

Critical, I'd say. A bit of forward planning can save a real headache in the long term. My family doesn't hold back on its views and I don't need to introduce stress into their lives. It's important to me that I am able to look after them when the time comes.

Its called getting an external opinion based on the salient facts. I think I know what I'm going to do but it doesn't harm to get other perspectives.

This is what this board is for, after all.

I disagree. Im very close to my family but if I loved someone they didnt care for, that would be the way it is.

To be honest if you are struggling to choose between 4 of them, they are all wrong for you.

Also, Ive a few years on you and I dont think theres anything wrong with being single in your 40s, better to wait until the one comes along who is totally right for you than settle for anything less along the way.

System

I think if you have to ask for opinions, none of them are the men for you.

jc808

VfM4meplse wrote: »

I'm 41 but look mid 30s, and far from inexperienced in matters of love - I've just never really taken it that seriously before and suddenly found myself in my 40s.

Mr A is very much older , B just under 40, C mid-50s (but I had previously thought might be younger than me) and D late forties.

clocks ticking, love

onlyroz

Can you explain a bit more what the problem is with A?