How do you know you're "ready"?

lollyb84

somethingcorporate wrote: »

As a parent of a very lively 20 month old I would advise you to think very carefully. You honestly cannot underestimate the impact a child has on your life.

It is amazing and terrifying in equal amounts but life will never, ever, ever be the same. It's so easy to read what I am saying (and I was told it dozens of times before I had one) but honestly, life is just totally different (with no undo!).

I'd make sure I got all the traveling and fun holidays out of my system before "settling" down (which having children really isn't because it is bloody hard work but the most rewarding job...).

Anyway, discuss it and see what your OH thinks, if they aren't ready just be patient.

THIS!! A million times over. You talk about understanding that your current lifestyle will 'slow down a bit'. It won't. It will change completely.

As the mother of another lively 19 month old boy, my life is nothing like it was before I had him. Like somethingcorporate I read and heard all the warnings of 'you're life will change completely' and thought I knew. I didn't. It's so different in almost every way. On saying that, I wouldn't change it for anything.

In terms of your original question, I couldn't say how it was brought up with my husband. It was something we'd talked about throughout our relationship, and talked about the things we wanted to do/have in place before we had children. Once these were there, it was almost a case of 'why not?'. (There was more thought that went into than that, I promise!).

AmyTurtle

OH and I are on cycle 2 of TTC. I was with a guy through my twenties who had a child and didn't want more. At 26 I realised it was something I definitely wanted and so I ended that relationship. I met current OH 6 months later and he was unsure if he wanted children, then after a year he said he did but not for a while, now we've been together 4 years and we are actively trying.

I don't think I'll ever feel 'ready', but having baby and toddler nieces and nephews I've spent a lot of time with them and I'm confident I will cope. OH and I are OK financially (though we'll be much better off in a year when a loan is paid off) but my brother and friends who have children have basically said you will never have enough money so you just have to take the plunge! I'm 31 in February and my mum had trouble conceiving so I just don't want to leave it any longer. I have an older friend who kept waiting for the 'perfect' time to have a baby and ended up childless because it doesn't really exist.

jtr2803

You mention you are 'broody' but do you actually WANT children? Some might say they are the same but I don't personally see it that way.

I think women are naturally designed to get broody at times, especially in their late twenties and early thirties, its natures way of telling us to pro create, you've probably heard people talk about a ticking biological clock?!

However, what I want and what my body might want are very different things. I get broody every few months or so (I'm 32) but I'm too selfish with travelling and finances to really give it all up for a baby. I want to be realistic and whilst every now and then I think children would be a good idea, a baby would change our lives beyond all recognition and I think we would struggle to cope, both individually and as a couple.

For what it's worth, my hubby doesn't 'want' children, he never has and probably never will, but he would never not have children with me if it was something I seriously wanted and we were financially secure. Most men I know have been of similar mind sets, I only know one who actively wanted to be a dad!

Gavin83

jtr2803 wrote: »

For what it's worth, my hubby doesn't 'want' children, he never has and probably never will, but he would never not have children with me if it was something I seriously wanted and we were financially secure. Most men I know have been of similar mind sets, I only know one who actively wanted to be a dad!

I'm a man and a lot of my friends are extremely keen to have children. Some guys I know have even talked their partners into it.

Personally I don't want kids and wouldn't have them for any woman, don't think it's fair for anyone involved. If I was with a woman who wanted children that badly I think the best thing all round would be for her to find another partner to have them with.

TrickyWicky

spookalili wrote: »

How did you know that you were ready to be a parent?

Speaking on behalf of my partner, she realised that she was about to turn 30 and started panicking that the clock was ticking.

spookalili wrote: »

How did you bring it up with your partner? Or how did they bring it up with you?

I had just had surgery on my schlong.. it didn't go as planned and i was laying there recovering from the anaesthetic for a few hours and she decided to ring me up and announce she wanted to stop the pill and try for a baby. Talk about timing, pressure and consideration..

spookalili wrote: »

How was your relationship?

Rocky and still rocky.

spookalili wrote: »

Did it get better after a child

I'll let you know when it arrives. I must admit seeing it at the scans does make me realise its virtually a miracle given my problems and it does put me into a bit of a trance seeing a little version of me but things between us are very awkward at present.

TrickyWicky

Gavin83 wrote: »

Personally I don't want kids and wouldn't have them for any woman

Oooohh... now thats a controversial comment that I'm sure many men would disagree with!

Don't tell me that you'd never have kids with your favourite celebrity woman? - I know I would!

Lily-Rose_3

spookalili wrote: »

A bit of an odd question really...

I'm 28 years old, I own a property and I've been in a relationship for six years. We're not engaged, things are not perfect (very few relationships are!) but they are good. We spend time together, we spend time apart, we share friends and have our own as well. We both have hobbies.

Just recently, I seem to be getting quite broody. I do understand how much a baby changes your life and I feel as though I'm ready to sacrifice my current lifestyle (or at least slow it down a bit) in exchange for a little bundle of joy. Ideally I would like to be married before I have a child but as I'm not engaged yet, I think I may have to revise my life plan :rotfl:

I haven't brought this up with my partner yet. We have discussed having children and it's definitely on the cards, but he is thinking a few years in the future. I would like to start trying shortly. I have even tried putting the feelers out for trying slightly sooner and he does seem reluctant.

How did you know that you were ready to be a parent? I appreciate not everybody "plans" for it, although I'm interested on hearing views from everybody. Men and women!

How did you bring it up with your partner? Or how did they bring it up with you? Were they just as enthusiastic as you, or did you need to work on them?

If you do have to talk them round...is this a bad thing? Is this normal?

How was your relationship? Did it get better after a child, worse or did it remain the same?

All experiences welcome!

We were definitely ready when we started trying for a baby.

We were both around 30, we'd been married about 5 years, we'd had done lots of travelling, we had a home, and we'd done plenty of clubbing and socialising with friends. Although, it's important to add that having kids doesn't stop you living your life. Your priorities do change though.

We just knew we were 'ready' at about 29. I fell pregnant a month after coming off the pill too!

Our relationship didn't change really, but it was a struggle with a small baby to start with (with having no sleep, and we both had jobs,) but we didn't regret having her for one bit, and within half a year, we knew we could never be without her. I went back to work 3 days a week, after being full time for 15 years, (we had hardly any maternity leave then!) I would love to have stayed at home. Still only having to work 3 days a week was OK.

It was also very important to me (and my husband) that we had children within wedlock. But each to their own on that.

I must say, at 28 y.o, it may be a good idea, to not leave it too much longer.

JMHO.

trailingspouse

Once upon a time, not so very long ago, being 'ready' wasn't an option.

If you had sex, you had to be prepared to get pregnant. And then to marry him whether you wanted to or not.

We're lucky enough to be living at a point in time (and in a country) where we can plan our pregnancies and where choosing not to have children is perfectly acceptable.

I'm not sure if anyone is ever really 'ready' - but it takes two, so have a proper conversation about it, all cards on the table, total honesty. And then at least you'll both know where you stand.

Claire_A87

'Ready' is pretty subjective. I don't know any first time parents who ever considered themselves fully ready, because no first timer knows what they're getting themselves into (ignorance and all that).

I got with my OH when I was still at uni and he had not long finished. He used to refer to babies as 'one of the worst possible outcomes of sex'!! BUT, as the walking contradiction he often is, also said he saw children in his future. I was happy with that, as at 22 & in uni I certainly had no immediate plans for kids!

Fast forward nearly 5 years and we have our own house, and started 'trying' in July. For me, I kind of felt this biological urge; sounds strange I know but I felt like my body wanted children, even as my mind was digesting the possibility. I brought the topic of children up regularly, until we got to July and decided I'd stop the pill.

I hasten to add this was a JOINT decision. My OH was never ever going to turn to me and say 'get off the pill, I really want kids now!', so there was no point in waiting for that kind of grand announcement - deciding to try is more subtle than that, & I think only you know your OH & whether it's something they're comfortable with. I knew mine was comfortable with it, just scared at the prospect - I was exactly the same!

Anywho, I got my positive pregnancy test last week & we couldn't be happier. He's just as excited and happy as I am. Of course we're absolutely bricking it, but in the best way. We just keep bursting into fits of laughter about it!

Here's the test: Imagine telling your OH you're pregnant - how would you feel about the prospect? If your immediate answer is scared & apprehensive, then he almost certainly doesn't want kids yet, and you just can't pressure him.

I hope you get it sorted one way or the other

theoretica

spookalili wrote: »

I will speak to him about it eventually (perhaps when I'm 100% sure it's what I want!) but I cannot help but feel a bit nervous about it. I feel I can speak to him about anything but it's such a huuuuge thing!

There are two very different conversations: I am feeling broody and wondering if we might be ready for kids soon, but am not sure about it. Or, I am 100% sure I want a kid. There might be advantages to having the first discussion rather than the second.