How do you know you're "ready"?

spookalili

A bit of an odd question really...

I'm 28 years old, I own a property and I've been in a relationship for six years. We're not engaged, things are not perfect (very few relationships are!) but they are good. We spend time together, we spend time apart, we share friends and have our own as well. We both have hobbies.

Just recently, I seem to be getting quite broody. I do understand how much a baby changes your life and I feel as though I'm ready to sacrifice my current lifestyle (or at least slow it down a bit) in exchange for a little bundle of joy. Ideally I would like to be married before I have a child but as I'm not engaged yet, I think I may have to revise my life plan :rotfl:

I haven't brought this up with my partner yet. We have discussed having children and it's definitely on the cards, but he is thinking a few years in the future. I would like to start trying shortly. I have even tried putting the feelers out for trying slightly sooner and he does seem reluctant.

How did you know that you were ready to be a parent? I appreciate not everybody "plans" for it, although I'm interested on hearing views from everybody. Men and women!

How did you bring it up with your partner? Or how did they bring it up with you? Were they just as enthusiastic as you, or did you need to work on them?

If you do have to talk them round...is this a bad thing? Is this normal?

How was your relationship? Did it get better after a child, worse or did it remain the same?

All experiences welcome!

marisco_2

spookalili wrote: »

If you do have to talk them round...is this a bad thing? Is this normal?

I wouldn't ever consider making the life changing decision of bringing a baby into the world with someone who had to be talked into the idea.

spookalili

marisco wrote: »

I wouldn't ever consider making the life changing decision of bringing a baby into the world with someone who had to be talked into the idea.

To clarify, the issue isn't that my partner does not want children with me. It is that he does not want children now, but in the future (in a couple of years, perhaps).

ViolaLass

If he wants to wait a couple of years, why not work on getting married in the mean time (since that's something you also want).

somethingcorporate

As a parent of a very lively 20 month old I would advise you to think very carefully. You honestly cannot underestimate the impact a child has on your life.

It is amazing and terrifying in equal amounts but life will never, ever, ever be the same. It's so easy to read what I am saying (and I was told it dozens of times before I had one) but honestly, life is just totally different (with no undo!).

I'd make sure I got all the traveling and fun holidays out of my system before "settling" down (which having children really isn't because it is bloody hard work but the most rewarding job...).

Anyway, discuss it and see what your OH thinks, if they aren't ready just be patient.

Crabapple

You say you haven't brought this up with your partner - I think that's a pretty important first step!

If you feel that you are ready now then you need to broach that with him and work out what he wants as well because obviously it takes two

As to knowing you are ready, I have two children and still have days I'm not sure I'm ready for this parenting lark :rotfl:

Both me and hubby were in the same place regarding children from the start so I can't advise on what happens if he wants to wait longer and you don't, but as I said, you need to speak to him.

Errata

spookalili wrote: »

I haven't brought this up with my partner yet. We have discussed having children and it's definitely on the cards, but he is thinking a few years in the future. I would like to start trying shortly. I have even tried putting the feelers out for trying slightly sooner and he does seem reluctant.

Doesn't that tell you everything you need to know? He's reluctant - doesn't want - to have a baby with you right now.

spookalili

Errata wrote: »

Doesn't that tell you everything you need to know? He's reluctant - doesn't want - to have a baby with you right now.

And that's fine. I'm asking how people knew they were ready or how they coped when they were thrust into parenthood.

I do accept that feeling broody and being ready for a baby are two entirely different things and I do respect my partners reluctance and would never force him into having children. This is just something that has been on my mind and I suppose I'm just wanting to hear how other people have dealt with it

Crabapple wrote: »

You say you haven't brought this up with your partner - I think that's a pretty important first step!

If you feel that you are ready now then you need to broach that with him and work out what he wants as well because obviously it takes two

As to knowing you are ready, I have two children and still have days I'm not sure I'm ready for this parenting lark :rotfl:

Both me and hubby were in the same place regarding children from the start so I can't advise on what happens if he wants to wait longer and you don't, but as I said, you need to speak to him.

I will speak to him about it eventually (perhaps when I'm 100% sure it's what I want!) but I cannot help but feel a bit nervous about it. I feel I can speak to him about anything but it's such a huuuuge thing!

I have friends who have children who have said exactly the same thing as you...I can only imagine how much it changes your life and how challenging certain aspects of parenting are! The whole part about not being able to "undo" is terrifying...but I imagine it's all part of the experience

somethingcorporate wrote: »

As a parent of a very lively 20 month old I would advise you to think very carefully. You honestly cannot underestimate the impact a child has on your life.

It is amazing and terrifying in equal amounts but life will never, ever, ever be the same. It's so easy to read what I am saying (and I was told it dozens of times before I had one) but honestly, life is just totally different (with no undo!).

I'd make sure I got all the traveling and fun holidays out of my system before "settling" down (which having children really isn't because it is bloody hard work but the most rewarding job...).

Anyway, discuss it and see what your OH thinks, if they aren't ready just be patient.

We have been fortunate enough to do a lot of travelling and have had a wonderful life together so far - although it's tempting to get a little bit more under our belts, I feel I could travel forever so it would never end! Thank you for your input...I think it's just a matter of speaking to my partner and seeing what he thinks.

ViolaLass

About three years ago, I couldn't face the idea of having to give up traveling in order to have kids. I packed plenty in and got to a point where I was OK with giving up traveling 'for now' - you could give yourself two years and see whether you can get it out of your system, either permanently or for a while.

TBeckett100

I wasn't ready. I gave in.

I didn't resent her pregnancy, but I wasn't supportive. I was probably the worse person to have around

When the child was born, I was wrapped up in the perception and fuss of being a new parent but had no paternal feeling for my daughter

Sleepless nights, I was very impatient and irritating. Then one day (a few weeks later) I was hit by the love bomb and this kid became the most important thing in the world and from that I have strived to provide her with the most wonderful experiences. There is nothing I won't do for her. Like any parent will know, you would take a bullet for your child and take a moment of their pain for the rest of your life. It's odd because I don't actually like kids. But to me, she is everything.

The point of my post, I wasn't ready and wasn't over the moon about it but it changed me for the better and I wouldn't change what has happened.

However,wifey wants another and again i have the reluctance. Weird really.

However someone may have a different reaction to a pregnancy they didn't fully go along with. The question is, will this man provide and have the ability to provide?

spookalili

TBeckett100 wrote: »

I wasn't ready. I gave in.

I didn't resent her pregnancy, but I wasn't supportive. I was probably the worse person to have around

When the child was born, I was wrapped up in the perception and fuss of being a new parent but had no paternal feeling for my daughter

Sleepless nights, I was very impatient and irritating. Then one day (a few weeks later) I was hit by the love bomb and this kid became the most important thing in the world and from that I have strived to provide her with the most wonderful experiences. There is nothing I won't do for her. Like any parent will know, you would take a bullet for your child and take a moment of their pain for the rest of your life. It's odd because I don't actually like kids. But to me, she is everything.

The point of my post, I wasn't ready and wasn't over the moon about it but it changed me for the better and I wouldn't change what has happened.

However,wifey wants another and again i have the reluctance. Weird really.

However someone may have a different reaction to a pregnancy they didn't fully go along with. The question is, will this man provide and have the ability to provide?

Thank you so much for your input...it's very interesting hearing a male perspective.

Although everything turned out for the best, I imagine things must have been difficult for your wife initially when you were taking time to adjust. I do think I would struggle if my partner didn't show the excitement I expected him to...which is completely understandable if you're not 100% ready! To be honest, I'd not even taken into account that this could have been a possible reaction.

Your reply was very honest and heartwarming. Again, thank you for sharing it. It has definitely given me something to think about.