How do you know you're "ready"?

TBeckett100

Pleasure. It wasn't designed to put you off but to highlight that people react differently when a major change comes in.

Of course one biggest drawback when having a child is the inability to ever just put your shoes on, grab your keys and get in the car lol

TBeckett100

Yes it was difficult for my wife not having the new prospective parent excitement. At the hospital I was quite good. I do remember a 17 hour labour and in the end they said they were going to do a c section.

The girlfriend (at the time) was wheeled down and the midwife said to wait and she'll be up when it's all systems go. I remember standing in that room knowing I was going to become a responsible adult within the next 10 minutes and for the first time in my life there was nothing I could do about it.

So I got led down to the gallows, sorry theatre. I distinctly remember they were playing FOX FM. My GF was being dissected and I remember saying to her "I hope I'll be alright" (she shot me a look)

And then I remember seeing my daughter for the first time. Instead of the feeling of love washing over me, I look at the baby and turned to the GF and said "my god, you've just given birth to your mother"

After that it was about 5am. I stood outside the hospital and called my mother in law. She came 15 minutes later and I remember deciding to go home to sleep. I drive home 30 miles and went to bed like nothing happened.

A few hours later, I woke up alone in the house and remembered that I was now a father and I should get back to the hospital.

The rest is history.

spookalili

TBeckett100 wrote: »

Yes it was difficult for my wife not having the new prospective parent excitement. At the hospital I was quite good. I do remember a 17 hour labour and in the end they said they were going to do a c section.

The girlfriend (at the time) was wheeled down and the midwife said to wait and she'll be up when it's all systems go. I remember standing in that room knowing I was going to become a responsible adult within the next 10 minutes and for the first time in my life there was nothing I could do about it.

So I got led down to the gallows, sorry theatre. I distinctly remember they were playing FOX FM. My GF was being dissected and I remember saying to her "I hope I'll be alright" (she shot me a look)

And then I remember seeing my daughter for the first time. Instead of the feeling of love washing over me, I look at the baby and turned to the GF and said "my god, you've just given birth to your mother"

After that it was about 5am. I stood outside the hospital and called my mother in law. She came 15 minutes later and I remember deciding to go home to sleep. I drive home 30 miles and went to bed like nothing happened.

A few hours later, I woke up alone in the house and remembered that I was now a father and I should get back to the hospital.

The rest is history.

Well you must have done a bloody good job with the whole being a Father business, as she wants another one with you!

It is really interesting to read your experience. So much emphasis is put on the woman when a baby is born (rightfully so, as she has carried it for nine months!) but you rarely hear anything from men discussing their experiences and how a child has changed their lives. I'm sure a lot of people assume that the second a baby comes into their lives, everything will feel validated and they will instantly fall into "parent-mode" and see the world completely differently. Your story shows that this isn't always the case, but it can still work out perfectly in the end

"my god, you've just given birth to your mother" is possibly the funniest reaction I have ever read, though.

Timeflies

There's a few aspects to being ready, and they will differ from person to person.

Perhaps you and your partner want to achieve certain things in your careers, or get past stages that would not suit being a parent - e.g. if there's a stage of low pay, exams, period where extensive travel or long/unsocial hours is required, but after which working patterns or income might be more conducive to caring for children.

You might want to wait until some other responsibility has passed - e.g. voluntary work, caring for a sick relative.

Some people want to physically prepare themselves for being a parent - e.g. losing weight or getting fitter to improve the chances of a helathy pregnancy.

You might have a list of things you want to do on your own or as a couple before having children - e.g. get married, special experiences, travel.

Some people might prefer to be living elsewhere when they have children - moving "back home", to a safer environment, one with more family facilities, a bigger home, for example.

You might just want to save enough money to make it possible to give up the time from work to provide childcare, or pay someone else to provide it.

Some people just have an age in mind "I wouldn't want to have kids before I'm 30" or something. Equally some others will be thinking, I definitely want to have my first child by 28...

I'd suggest talking to your OH about your future and what being "ready" means for you both. If you each have a long list of things to tick off before trying for kids, it will give you an idea of what timescale is sensible, or if something has to give.

For what it's worth our combined tick list was:

• Be married for at least 18 months, to enjoy married life together before kids arrive.
• Pass work-related qualifications
• Save enough money to pay bills through maternity leave
• Travel to our dream holiday destination before having kids.
• Aim to have a child before 35
• Move to a bigger home

Our first is due next month - we managed the first 5 on the tick list before starting to try for kids; and the kid progressed faster than the house hunt! Life never runs exactly to plan, but planning your lives together can be great fun. Hope you have a good conversation about your future together, and good luck!

jenhug

spookalili wrote: »

How did you know that you were ready to be a parent? I appreciate not everybody "plans" for it, although I'm interested on hearing views from everybody. Men and women!


All experiences welcome!

Mine are 13 and 15 and when I feel ready I will let you know!

I personally feel at the moment that parenthood is an 18 year long power struggle.

We have an SEN child and a "neuro typical" child. Both are challenging in different ways and I would say it doesn't get easier, the issues evolve.

It's hard work. Ask me in 20 years if I enjoy it! lol

Pollycat

As you say, you are feeling broody.

I think you should have a honest talk with your partner pretty soon.

There are a few things in your post that could be alarm bells ringing:

spookalili wrote: »

I haven't brought this up with my partner yet. We have discussed having children and it's definitely on the cards, but he is thinking a few years in the future. I would like to start trying shortly. I have even tried putting the feelers out for trying slightly sooner and he does seem reluctant.

How did you bring it up with your partner? Or how did they bring it up with you? Were they just as enthusiastic as you, or did you need to work on them?

If you do have to talk them round...is this a bad thing? Is this normal?

You say you've discussed having children a few years in the future.

I would wonder if he is as keen on having a family as you are and if the 'few years in the future' will always be that - in the future.

Happier_Me

I think you do need to have an honest chat with your partner, there is nothing wrong in planning out the next few years of your life and at what point that involves marriage or children. You may need to compromise as to the when though.

Now is a good time to ensure that you will be ready from a practical point of view too. We agreed a time to start trying, worked out a budget to survive the expensive early years and spent many, many months saving for our bundle of joy.

In terms of whether we were ready or not... I had absolutely no maternal instincts whatsoever so I never got the broody feeling. DH definitely wanted kids and I could sort of see them as part of our future. I hit 30 and, knowing that early menopause was a risk for me, I went for it.

Neither of us bonded easily with our DD. She was a demanding baby. I would say that the love bomb didn't hit my husband until she turned one, so we had a difficult year. He looks back and regrets the time he missed with her though.

We have a son too now and the experience was totally different. They are now 9 and 6 and the two best decisions we ever made.

PenguinJim

I have planned to retire in 20 years, and I want little baby December Midnight to be all grown up and at University by that time. So I'm planning to pop him out in the first week of October 2015 (as September is the best month to be born, but I can't rule out the possibility of him showing up earlier and being born in August, the worst month, so I'm content to settle for the second-best month).

So I'll be "ready" on the 6th of January 2015. I might even buy a scented candle.

All you need is a little maths, logic and planning.

valk_scot

My OH was very much in the "Yes, eventually" camp when we got together, as was I. After a few years together I decided that I was more or less ready for a child and I opened up the discussion again, not so much intending to talk him round but more to update him as to how I was feeling. He was fine about it, his "eventually" didn't mean "definitely not till date X" so he was perfectly okay about going with my feelings. He was keen to be married before we had kids though, I didn't really care one way or other so I went with his feelings on this. Good compromise/negotiation/discussion, yes?


We got married six months later, had an agreed one year pause just to get used to being married and started trying for a baby on our anniversary. One month later I was pregnant, which rather took us both by surprise, lol. He wasn't that excited about the pregnancy tbh but he did what was requested and expected! When our son was born he took a few weeks to warm up to being a dad and even longer to being a hands on dad, I think he just hadn't bothered to think about it tbh. But all through the whole thing he was happy to go with it because it was what I wanted, he knew he did want kids at some point and he wasn't that bothered either way as to when it happened re timing.


So while you may not get as much enthusiasm as you might want, you might be pleasantly surprised at an "Okay, sweetheart, I know it's what you want." No? So open the discussion and be honest, but prepared to compromise on a timetable of perhaps a year or two before you start trying. I don't agree with trying to talk people into reluctant agreement though, this just sets you up for future resentment.

lulu_92

OH and I are currently trying. I was taking my pill in May and I had about a weeks worth when I turned to him and said (half-jokingly) "instead of me going to get more pills why don't we try for a baby" OH said yes and we were so excited. Two days later he told me that he was calling my bluff when he said yes, because he wanted to make sure I knew what we were in for. We agreed eventually to wait until September, when my pills would run out. (I was annoyed with this because he kept changing his mind for about a week - at this point I had to pay £25 for the pill because I couldn't get in to my doctors in time!)

Fast forward to August and I found another box of pills which would take me until the new year, and I ended up saying to OH that I didn't want to be on the pill any longer and could we start trying at the end of the pack I was taking (I think there was about 2 weeks left) and he said yes.

It actually was a great thing because I had been admitted to hospital with abdominal pains and was ill for a while, and when I came off the pill these symptoms went away, it was amazing!

So we're in our third cycle now. It's frustrating because TTC is at times. Sometimes I fear that OH doesn't want it and he's just going along with what I want but he has reassured me it's all okay

We don't plan on getting married yet, and we're buying our next house at the start of next year, making sure we have set aside enough money to also have a buffer when I'm on maternity (that was OH's idea, he is excited about it all really)

I felt the same way as you before. I wanted to start trying though due to my age. Yes, I'm only 22, but my mum and my grandma both experiences very early menopause. My mum ended up in hospital to have cysts and various parts of her baby making equipment either removed or messed about with. There is a chance that I could have the same issues so I want to get kids out of the way so I am not left heartbroken by leaving it too late and not being able to conceive.