Bah humbug!

CH27

Crisp_£_note wrote: »

To answer a few questions I did speak to my husband once I had time to mull it over. I reminded him how many years he has requested we just have a quiet Christmas alone together (with the 2 dogs). I also reminded him how 'hard' I had worked these past few months to get the result that we could finally have the opportunity to do this and I have made certain my mother wont be alone at all (I wouldn't allow this anyway). I said he had shocked and upset me as he's backtracked and now invited his mother again! I pointed out how his mother has snubbed an invite from his brother to be with his family including young grandson who she doesn't often get a chance to see despite them just living 3 hours drive away, an offer for a visit at Christmas which is rare anyhow. How she has turned down an offer to be with her 'boy friend' and his family (nephew and his wife) who she knows enough to feel at ease with. So either way she has had offers and puts herself in the position of being with us or alone in her own home at Christmas. Besides I do suspect we would go visit late afternoon anyway to pop in and say hi over a mince pie and cuppa.
My husbands reaction was a bit one sided saying he would speak to his mother and explain that I didn't want her with us for Christmas! So what could I say to this? I have just accepted that she is going to be with us and what I want (at the request of my husband initially) doesn't count and I don't matter. I will just have to wait another year and go through the same thing all over again, I suspect we will have my mother or be with her next year to be on the 'fair' side.

I have often suggested we go away for Christmas and avoid all this turmoil but I can't afford it, husband wouldn't enjoy it and I doubt I would actually either.

So now what do I do? Invite my mother, go and be with her at my brothers girlfriends parents or own up and tell the truth that the mother in law will now be here at my husbands request (thus making my own mother jealous and me a potential liar)? Or just keep schtum about the whole MIL part altogether - I am not very good at keeping a lie as I was taught it wasn't good behaviour to be dishonest, i'm more likely to be caught out on the day too some bizarre way or another (phone or photos etc)!

These past years have been quite MIL and husband as my FIL has been poorly (additionally he died in November and funeral in December), then it was the turn of supporting my own mother as my Dad was poorly and MIL and husband through bereavement then my own mother and brother and myself through bereavement then the year before last we had my mother living with us (my brother was going through a messy divorce as well) and last year we were summons to be with my mum, brother and his kids and new girlfriend (which we all met for the first time) in my mums new house, fun, traditional childhood reminiscence but stressful and missing my own Dad. Throughout this time I have missed out on doing anything 'special' for my 40th birthday 2 days after Christmas and our 10th wedding anniversary (October) but se la vie!

Unless I book and pay for my own birthday nothing will happen, even if I did do what I would enjoy doing nobody else would be able to join me due to the time of year.

As for the dinner and faff, MIL has already suggested she wants to help cook the turkey. If it was just the 2 of us I wouldn't bother with something so elaborate - a micro-dinner and mince pie with brandy butter would do us fine! Its too expensive too eat out and not enjoyable either. Perhaps I will just sit and watch TV and let husband and MIL get on with it :rotfl:

So it's ok for his mum to be alone but not ok for your mum to be alone? Hmmmmmmm

victory

Crisp_£_note wrote: »

To answer a few questions I did speak to my husband once I had time to mull it over. I reminded him how many years he has requested we just have a quiet Christmas alone together (with the 2 dogs). I also reminded him how 'hard' I had worked these past few months to get the result that we could finally have the opportunity to do this and I have made certain my mother wont be alone at all (I wouldn't allow this anyway). I said he had shocked and upset me as he's backtracked and now invited his mother again! I pointed out how his mother has snubbed an invite from his brother to be with his family including young grandson who she doesn't often get a chance to see despite them just living 3 hours drive away, an offer for a visit at Christmas which is rare anyhow. How she has turned down an offer to be with her 'boy friend' and his family (nephew and his wife) who she knows enough to feel at ease with. So either way she has had offers and puts herself in the position of being with us or alone in her own home at Christmas. Besides I do suspect we would go visit late afternoon anyway to pop in and say hi over a mince pie and cuppa.
My husbands reaction was a bit one sided saying he would speak to his mother and explain that I didn't want her with us for Christmas! So what could I say to this? I have just accepted that she is going to be with us and what I want (at the request of my husband initially) doesn't count and I don't matter. I will just have to wait another year and go through the same thing all over again, I suspect we will have my mother or be with her next year to be on the 'fair' side.

I have often suggested we go away for Christmas and avoid all this turmoil but I can't afford it, husband wouldn't enjoy it and I doubt I would actually either.

So now what do I do? Invite my mother, go and be with her at my brothers girlfriends parents or own up and tell the truth that the mother in law will now be here at my husbands request (thus making my own mother jealous and me a potential liar)? Or just keep schtum about the whole MIL part altogether - I am not very good at keeping a lie as I was taught it wasn't good behaviour to be dishonest, i'm more likely to be caught out on the day too some bizarre way or another (phone or photos etc)!

These past years have been quite MIL and husband as my FIL has been poorly (additionally he died in November and funeral in December), then it was the turn of supporting my own mother as my Dad was poorly and MIL and husband through bereavement then my own mother and brother and myself through bereavement then the year before last we had my mother living with us (my brother was going through a messy divorce as well) and last year we were summons to be with my mum, brother and his kids and new girlfriend (which we all met for the first time) in my mums new house, fun, traditional childhood reminiscence but stressful and missing my own Dad. Throughout this time I have missed out on doing anything 'special' for my 40th birthday 2 days after Christmas and our 10th wedding anniversary (October) but se la vie!

Unless I book and pay for my own birthday nothing will happen, even if I did do what I would enjoy doing nobody else would be able to join me due to the time of year.

As for the dinner and faff, MIL has already suggested she wants to help cook the turkey. If it was just the 2 of us I wouldn't bother with something so elaborate - a micro-dinner and mince pie with brandy butter would do us fine! Its too expensive too eat out and not enjoyable either. Perhaps I will just sit and watch TV and let husband and MIL get on with it :rotfl:

Your OH does not want his mum to be alone on xmas day, is that such a bad thing?

tomtontom

CH27 wrote: »

IIRC this MIL comes round every day to walk your dogs & you begrudge her having xmas day with her son?

Is this true OP?

Crisp_£_note

tomtontom wrote: »

Is this true OP?

She no longer comes round daily to walk the dogs as husband is home more often at the moment due to his job being quiet and her also spending more time again with her friend. We do see her several times a week, keep in touch by text and phone daily (and I call my own mum at least once a day too).

Of course I don't begrudge my husband having his mother around Christmas day not at all I just want some time alone with my husband for once!

To me it feels more as if she has put herself in this situation so she can be with us rather than being alone as she wants to be with family - is her other son not family, is the man she spends almost every day with now not family? Im honored she choses to want to be with us again but again nobody sees what I desire, perhaps I shall just go be alone and leave everyone else to be together!

I have done my upmost to make cetain my own mother isnt alone so I can enjoy Christmas with my husband alone at his request (for several years now) so this year I made it happen or so I thought.

To be quite honest my husband in a reverse situation wouldnt care less. Im already arranging to go spend some pre christmas time with my mother early December and making sure I see my brother his kids and girlfriend as well. I can guarantee when I mention this to my husband there will be a long deep groan icy stare and continual sigh until I say I will book the train. Im also not expecting any gifts from him again this year for Christmas or Birthday and its down to me to pay for everything else too from Christmas, birthday and new year.
Oh well its just another day I will survive the bright side of life

tomtontom

Crisp_£_note wrote: »

She no longer comes round daily to walk the dogs as husband is home more often at the moment due to his job being quiet. We do see her several times a week, keep in touch by text and phone daily (and I call my own mum at least once a day too).

So, up until the time your husband stopped working away your MIL was regularly walking the dogs for you? How ungrateful can you be?!

Jagraf

Crisp_£_note wrote: »

She no longer comes round daily to walk the dogs as husband is home more often at the moment due to his job being quiet. We do see her several times a week, keep in touch by text and phone daily (and I call my own mum at least once a day too).

Of course I don't begrudge my husband having his mother around Christmas day not at all I just want some time alone with my husband for once!

To me it feels more as if she has put herself in this situation so she can be with us rather than being alone as she wants to be with family - is her other son not family, is the man she spends almost every day with now not family? Im honored she choses to want to be with us again but again nobody sees what I desire, perhaps I shall just go be alone and leave everyone else to be together!

I have done my upmost to make cetain my own mother isnt alone so I can enjoy Christmas with my husband alone at his request (for several years now) so this year I made it happen or so I thought.

Oh well its just another day I will survive the bright side of life

What is the big deal with wanting to spend this particular day just the two of you? I mean, any more than any couple enjoys time alone?

Pollycat

Crisp_£_note wrote: »

To me it feels more as if she has put herself in this situation so she can be with us rather than being alone as she wants to be with family - is her other son not family, is the man she spends almost every day with now not family?

Your husband has put you in this situation by inviting her.

FGS, blame the person who's fault this is!

Crisp_£_note wrote: »

perhaps I shall just go be alone and leave everyone else to be together!

You are beginning to sound like a spoilt child who's thrown her toys out of the pram.

FBaby

So either way she has had offers and puts herself in the position of being with us or alone in her own home at Christmas.

But you don't know the details behind these offers. Maybe she assumed that she was going to be with her because she wasn't told differently so she has said I wish I could but am with son, and in the meantime, they have made other plans. Or maybe there are issues that you don't know a thing about that means the other alternatives as you see them are not an option.

You are frustrated because your OH didn't stick to his word and that is fair enough, but either he made the error of telling you something he was never prepared to stick with, in which case, this is the actual issue, or something happened that means that she really would be on her own if she can't come and he is a good son who would not let such a horrible thing happen.

Maybe he is mature enough to appreciate that his mum won't be around for long and he wants to make the best of spending special days with her, knowing that there will be many Christmases in the future where it will be just you and him.

victory

Crisp_£_note wrote: »

Im also not expecting any gifts from him again this year for Christmas or Birthday and its down to me to pay for everything else too from Christmas, birthday and new year.
Oh well its just another day I will survive the bright side of life

Grown ups (unlike children) can arrange for 'xmas day' to be another date, look forward to it, spend it alone and then on the actual 25th xmas day, have MIL round and anyone else and make their day special, have fun, knowing full well you have already had your 'couple only, private, no one else allowed' false xmas day, win ,win:D:D

There is a lot more to this though isn't there? The not buying you xmas presents shouts out resentment, you having to do everything shouts out anger and feelings of loneliness , have you ever made a list for him? Asked him to involve himself in xmas? Got him to help prep the veg? Keep him involved?

Or have you accepted it is you all the way and each xmas you get more fed up with it?

Your MIL has said she will help with the turkey, take all the help you can get, get everyone involved, have one seperate one and one on the actual day, perfect:D

Crisp_£_note

Yes I must seems there is no alternative fairer option than to accept it is me being selfish and me all the way and each xmas I do get more fed up with it so once more I dont get my wish but will enjoy it none the less ill make sure.

Ive thought hard about it and I can see that the issue lies with the fact there was no time to discuss with my husband the conversation I had with my brother and what he had proposed before the intervention of his acceptance with his mothers self invite. I was on the phone with my brother who was proposing his intentions to have my mother when my MIL arrived for a cuppa, by the time I had finished the conversation about Christmas was already in full flow between them and it was too late.



:beer: