Bah humbug!

Jagraf

I just face it, and get on with it. Christmas has always been stressful emotionally for me, from having to 'share' DD through divorce, to dying elderly relatives, to mum finding out she has cancer. Same with OH, his ex left him on Christmas Day (years ago).

We are lucky to have a family large enough to bring hassle, but one day they won't be there. Every year I thank my lucky stars they are.

I remember people telling me my wedding (first time round) was the biggest day of my life. I remember being stressed over the food, the decor, the flowers. Years later I realise it was the smallest, most insignificant day of my life.

I don't particularly enjoy racing around, or having everyone over. I hate even more people buying christmas plates, spending ridiculous amounts of money on rubbish, throwing away enough food to feed an army.

But when I'm sitting with the people I love (who also get on my nerves lol) in front of a fire, playing really monotonous board games, eating too many peanuts, and drinking all kinds of alcohol, I'm glad, just for a moment, that they are there to share it with.

I can always go back to my normal life the next day.

millysg1

I see the main issue here as you and your OH made plans and then he changed them without consulting you.

Just speak to him! Tell him you were looking forward to Christmas just the two of you and as he had suggested. You have told your family this so they have made plans without you so why cant he do the same?

I just don't understand why the two of you cant sit down, discuss and come to a happy conclusion where you don't need to rant to total strangers about it.

sorry, maybe too harsh

shell_girl

My advice would be do the whole OTT Christmas on the day, make sure you and your OH are organised and have split the work fairly.

By reading your post, it looks like you will be alone together on boxing day and on your birthday, so do your quiet Christmas then?

You'll have a chance to watch everything your mil didn't want to watch, and no cooking as you'll have plenty of leftovers.

Simples!

DFlights

My parents were awful to me, emotionally abused me and damaged my social skills and my ability to interact with other people. I'm also painfully unhappy and awkward in large groups of people (unless they are strangers) and hate having to dress up, put make up on, and act not like my usual quiet, odd self just to appease societal norms of what a grown adult should talk about, etc. I absolutely hate it.
Christmas is just another day, I love the food, the telly, the booze and that's about it. Having family round? Well, haven't spoken to the nasty bunch of blood relatives for well over a decade, and even having the in-laws round (or having to go to theirs) makes me unhappy and nervous.
So no, not everyone wants a big family Christmas, and not everyone has a nice enough family, or is socially adept enough, to want to do the big family day thing, so I think OP should simply tell her husband that she'd rather go with their original plan of having a quiet one together.
It's not necessarily ungrateful or mean, and I've witnessed plenty of selfishness from visiting relatives in the past to know that it's sometimes very difficult to accommodate family members on such a day. (One of my grandmothers was particularly selfish and we hated having her round the house.)

snowleopard61

puppypants wrote: »

Well, this will be my first Christmas as an orphan and I'd give anything to be spending it with my Mum and Dad. x

My 15th, and so would I.

missprice

Ah the dreaded Xmas time will soon be upon us.
I have already asked the crazy lady called my nearly mother what she be doing this year.
Got the same answer, 'I dunno til maybe the day before, can I let you know nearer time please?

Which means she will umm and ah then ask if OH will pick her up and drop off later.
Don't mind myself if she here or elsewhere, just wish she would give me more than one day notice.

And for someone on here that seems to think parents are the be all and end all, its not true, ask any person that was abused. They won't much want to spend any day with a parent, least of all Xmas day

Pollycat

missprice
why don't you tell her you need to know what she's doing by x date, otherwise you'll assume she's not coming.

And stick to it.

She only messes you about because you allow her to do it.

Take charge.

snowleopard61

missprice wrote: »

ask any person that was abused. They won't much want to spend any day with a parent, least of all Xmas day

Of course! But some of the posts on this thread - not the OP’s; which is about Christmas specifically - are saying not (to paraphrase) ‘My parents gave me a miserable childhood and blighted my life’ but in effect, ‘Most elderly people are a bore and a burden and even their own children wish they were dead’. The sentiments may be amusingly expressed, but it’s pretty sad to wonder if my own children might one day feel like that about me.

Crisp_£_note

To answer a few questions I did speak to my husband once I had time to mull it over. I reminded him how many years he has requested we just have a quiet Christmas alone together (with the 2 dogs). I also reminded him how 'hard' I had worked these past few months to get the result that we could finally have the opportunity to do this and I have made certain my mother wont be alone at all (I wouldn't allow this anyway). I said he had shocked and upset me as he's backtracked and now invited his mother again! I pointed out how his mother has snubbed an invite from his brother to be with his family including young grandson who she doesn't often get a chance to see despite them just living 3 hours drive away, an offer for a visit at Christmas which is rare anyhow. How she has turned down an offer to be with her 'boy friend' and his family (nephew and his wife) who she knows enough to feel at ease with. So either way she has had offers and puts herself in the position of being with us or alone in her own home at Christmas. Besides I do suspect we would go visit late afternoon anyway to pop in and say hi over a mince pie and cuppa.
My husbands reaction was a bit one sided saying he would speak to his mother and explain that I didn't want her with us for Christmas! So what could I say to this? I have just accepted that she is going to be with us and what I want (at the request of my husband initially) doesn't count and I don't matter. I will just have to wait another year and go through the same thing all over again, I suspect we will have my mother or be with her next year to be on the 'fair' side.

I have often suggested we go away for Christmas and avoid all this turmoil but I can't afford it, husband wouldn't enjoy it and I doubt I would actually either.

So now what do I do? Invite my mother, go and be with her at my brothers girlfriends parents or own up and tell the truth that the mother in law will now be here at my husbands request (thus making my own mother jealous and me a potential liar)? Or just keep schtum about the whole MIL part altogether - I am not very good at keeping a lie as I was taught it wasn't good behaviour to be dishonest, i'm more likely to be caught out on the day too some bizarre way or another (phone or photos etc)!

These past years have been quite MIL and husband as my FIL has been poorly (additionally he died in November and funeral in December), then it was the turn of supporting my own mother as my Dad was poorly and MIL and husband through bereavement then my own mother and brother and myself through bereavement then the year before last we had my mother living with us (my brother was going through a messy divorce as well) and last year we were summons to be with my mum, brother and his kids and new girlfriend (which we all met for the first time) in my mums new house, fun, traditional childhood reminiscence but stressful and missing my own Dad. Throughout this time I have missed out on doing anything 'special' for my 40th birthday 2 days after Christmas and our 10th wedding anniversary (October) but se la vie!

Unless I book and pay for my own birthday nothing will happen, even if I did do what I would enjoy doing nobody else would be able to join me due to the time of year.

As for the dinner and faff, MIL has already suggested she wants to help cook the turkey. If it was just the 2 of us I wouldn't bother with something so elaborate - a micro-dinner and mince pie with brandy butter would do us fine! Its too expensive too eat out and not enjoyable either. Perhaps I will just sit and watch TV and let husband and MIL get on with it :rotfl:

Pollycat

Crisp_£_note wrote: »

To answer a few questions I did speak to my husband once I had time to mull it over. I reminded him how many years he has requested we just have a quiet Christmas alone together (with the 2 dogs). I also reminded him how 'hard' I had worked these past few months to get the result that we could finally have the opportunity to do this and I have made certain my mother wont be alone at all (I wouldn't allow this anyway). I said he had shocked and upset me as he's backtracked and now invited his mother again! I pointed out how his mother has snubbed an invite from his brother to be with his family including young grandson who she doesn't often get a chance to see despite them just living 3 hours drive away, an offer for a visit at Christmas which is rare anyhow. How she has turned down an offer to be with her 'boy friend' and his family (nephew and his wife) who she knows enough to feel at ease with. So either way she has had offers and puts herself in the position of being with us or alone in her own home at Christmas.

But can't you see that that is exactly what your husband has done?
Made sure that his mother won't be alone at all.