Bah humbug!

TBagpuss

It's probably too late for this year, not that your husband has made plans with your MIL.

Perhaps next year you and he should plan to go away ?

Is it possible that when your husband told his um that the two if you were having a quiet christmas together that she offered to come as she felt sorry for you? A lot of people would not want to have such a quiet christmas.

How well does your husband get on with his brother? Might your BI, of prompted, renew his invitation? Is the relationship you have with your MIL such that you could be honest with her and say that you were hoping for christmas day with just the two of you?

Another thing is that you don't have to do a big traditional christmas if you don't want to. If you don't want to spend the whole morning in the kitchen, don't.

(I would let MIL know if you are planning to do without any long standing traditions, so it doesn't come as a shock)

Lily-Rose_3

Some of the posts on here that people are posting about their parents, (and other older people that they have 'observed') are disgusting. You should be ashamed of yourselves actually.

If you want Christmas to yourself, then that's fine, but is there really any need for some of the vitriol and bile that is being spilled out on this thread from people towards their parents?

We get it, you hate old people and you clearly don't like your parents, but you will wish you had behaved differently towards them, when they're no longer there.

I feel sorry for people who have such contempt for their parents. But I feel sorry for their parents even more!

It's perfectly acceptable to only want to be with your partner (or partner and kids) at Christmas, and I know some family members can be demanding, but there is no need for this attitude at all. I wonder what has happened in someone's life for them to talk this way about their parents.

purpleshoes_2

Im middle aged, I see my mum a lot, we don't bother with Mothers Day as shes never been bothered with it, shes not one for fuss (apart from birthdays and Christmas funnily enough), but we do what we can for one another throughout the year. I cant say Id like sitting in a garden centre eating cake on Mothers Day, but then I don't do things for my mum out of duty. However, being single, I dont have loads of other people to consider, I can pretty much do what I like at Christmas and I do spend it with my my mum, but that's because I want to, not because I feel I'm forced to.

Sometimes its probably not about the relationship with parents but feeling as if you are being pulled in all directions and your wishes not listened to, you only need to see some threads on the boards about in laws all year round to see that some families are just demanding and no one ends up happy.

purpleshoes_2

Crisp_£_note wrote: »

Am I the only one who cant say NO sorry?

I suppose this maybe a bit of a rant on my behalf as it's possibly too late to backtrack by now but this year of all years all I wanted to do for Christmas day was spend it quietly with my hubzy. After all we have been married for 14 years and in all that time only once have we actually spent December 25th together alone and this was around 10 years ago! Every other year we've either accommodated his mother or my mum or been with one or the othersfamily. Now I have no problems with his mum and we see her regularly as we live round the corner from her (my mum lives in Wales) neither of our dads are alive anymore just to be clear.

Anyway I asked my hubzy a couple of months ago what he wanted to do for Christmas and his answer was to spend it with me and just me. I am fine with this as its what I wanted too. So I have been gradually introducing the idea to my mother and my brother and even hinted at his mum over the past couple months and more so over the last few weeks thats what our plans are going to be. Its fine we can see each other and recelebrate on boxing day etc if wished.

Then I spoke to my brother today who happend to mention that he is inviting (my) mum to be with him etc for Christmas this year seeming I have had my mum down here with me for 2 years before that and last year me and hubzy had to go and be with mum and brother and his family as it was her first year in her new house, (which was fine) and brother only thought it fair we had some time to ourselves (aside other complications with his ex and their childrens 'time' allowance over the festive season).

Result I thought but this success was only momentary as it was then my hubzys mother came round for a cuppa and asked what we were doing for Christmas day and I explained I had just put the phone down after talking to my brother and it sounds like we were spending a quiet Christmas together. My husband then enquired what she was doing and asked if she was spending it with her best friend and his family (as she spends almost all her time with him anyway these days) but she said she wasnt seeing him until Boxing Day if she can help it and was hoping to spend it with her own family (in other words US). She was previously invited to be with her other son and his family (something that very rarely happens) but due to other reasons she has with her other daughter in law (more so her parents) she turned his invite down. So now I feel were being used as a way for her to avoid being with her friend and as an excuse why she cant go to her other sons. She has said if we change our minds we can say so but how can we when hubzy has said she is more than welcome?!

Besides the fact I have gone out my way this year to grant my hubzys wish to spend a quiet Christmas together just the 2 of us I now would just prefer to leave him with his mother and go and be with mine. I dont enjoy Christmas much anymore now I am grown up (we have no children and I miss my Dad) so to just have a chance to experience a quiet faff free Christmas with my hubzy doing not a lot - how hard can it be?! All my wishes and plans thwarted!

Thanks in advance for allowing me to offload. Yes I know their human and I dont mean to talk about them like objects without feelings but am fed up of not being able to say well actually no we have our own plans and having to expet to be nice and accept and do what others want and this goes for hubzy too as hes just said he feels the same way too.I often wonder if we had children would we be expected to accomodate others quite so readily?

Why would your Christmas have to be full of fuss if you saw your mother in law on the day? Does it have to turn into a massive celebration if you accomodate her?

If your husband does feel the same way too why doesn't he tell his mum you'll see her another day over the festive period.

TBeckett100

OP, I feel next year you should book a Xmas holiday away. Explain Hubz bought it as a treat

The posts here at not vitriolic, it's observations from years of having the old bat or bat in law round.

Christmas is overrated. All that hype, the months of shopping, hours of cooking, ten minutes of eating before the flatulent mother in law passes you a well thought out gift of tights.

puppypants

Well, this will be my first Christmas as an orphan and I'd give anything to be spending it with my Mum and Dad. x

Pollycat

Crisp_£_note wrote: »

Am I the only one who cant say NO sorry?

Actually, it's pretty clear you're not the only one who can't say 'no'.

Crisp_£_note wrote: »

She has said if we change our minds we can say so but how can we when hubzy has said she is more than welcome?!

Your hubzy (really? ) seems not to be able to say 'no' either.

Crisp_£_note wrote: »

Besides the fact I have gone out my way this year to grant my hubzys wish to spend a quiet Christmas together just the 2 of us I now would just prefer to leave him with his mother and go and be with mine. I dont enjoy Christmas much anymore now I am grown up (we have no children and I miss my Dad) so to just have a chance to experience a quiet faff free Christmas with my hubzy doing not a lot - how hard can it be?! All my wishes and plans thwarted!

Then do just that - you spend Christmas with your Mum & let hubzy spend Christmas with his.

But don't do it out of temper or spite.

I think you need to direct your anger against the person who's allowed your plans - which he said he wanted - to be thwarted.

FBaby

My husband then enquired what she was doing and asked if she was spending it with her best friend and his family (as she spends almost all her time with him anyway these days) but she said she wasnt seeing him until Boxing Day if she can help it and was hoping to spend it with her own family (in other words US)

Isn't the issue is that the alternative to having her is that she will be spending the day alone? Would you be able to enjoy the day knowing that your mum is having a lovely day with your brother and his family, why your OH's mum is alone feeling lonely just so that you can have your hubby for yourself.

Unless I misunderstood, I find this incredibly selfish. I would feel wrap with guilt if I thought that any of my family member was alone on Christmas when they could have been with me unless they have made it their choice.

It sounds like your OH agrees with the above, that he was happy with the prospect of a quiet Christmas, but that was assuming that his mum with be able to spend the day with someone else. With her saying that it won't happen and was hoping to spend it with family, he is prepared to make an effort to make his mum happy.

CH27

IIRC this MIL comes round every day to walk your dogs & you begrudge her having xmas day with her son?

Pollycat

Lily-Rose wrote: »

Some of the posts on here that people are posting about their parents, (and other older people that they have 'observed') are disgusting. You should be ashamed of yourselves actually.

If you want Christmas to yourself, then that's fine, but is there really any need for some of the vitriol and bile that is being spilled out on this thread from people towards their parents?

We get it, you hate old people and you clearly don't like your parents, but you will wish you had behaved differently towards them, when they're no longer there.

I feel sorry for people who have such contempt for their parents. But I feel sorry for their parents even more!

It's perfectly acceptable to only want to be with your partner (or partner and kids) at Christmas, and I know some family members can be demanding, but there is no need for this attitude at all. I wonder what has happened in someone's life for them to talk this way about their parents.

I think it's entirely up to posters if they wish to post about their own personal feelings towards their parents.

You have no idea what sort of life posters had with parents so to judge based on your experience is wrong.

And I also think you're probably wrong if you think posters will wish they had behaved differently towards their parents when they're no longer there.
Some will, some won't.

You say you feel sorry for these parents.
Maybe these parents don't deserve you feeling sorry for them.
Maybe they've done things so awful that the 'vitriol and bile' is entirely deserved.

You simply don't know.
So don't judge.