Mini meltdown and light bulb moment

AleMrsT

I'm feeling a bit deflated today, I can't explain exactly why, just feeling a bit down at the moment and there's so much going on in my head.

I feel like I'm always getting mad at my OH for no rational reason, apart from his terrible wastefulness (with money and in general) and lack of real ambition to do anything, he's the most amazing person I've ever met and I'm very lucky to have someone like him.

I think there's something wrong with me, I have this need to make things 'bad'. I make drama out of nothing, or at least want to! If I have a cold, in my head I will hope it develops into pneumonia so that I can have a few days off work and chill in bed; if hubby asks me to do something, I get annoyed that he's asked me before I got round to doing it, as if he should KNOW that I have it planned in my head. (see yesterdays post!!)
Tonight I've come home with the intention of doing the ironing that I unreasonably didnt do yesterday, and the ironing board and ironing basket are all set out for me in the lounge downstairs. This is a nice thing to do, to save me carrying everything down the stairs, but in actual fact its really P'd me off. What is WRONG with me?!
We/I have an appointment soon to see a genetic counsellor, (I say it that way as I kind of want to go on my own, but it has to be a joint appointment) I still haven't told OH that the appointment is GC. I know I'm setting myself up for a fall, he's made it categorically clear that children are NOT on his agenda, yet we both cried buckets at an episode of House last night. (yes, we watch everything 4 years after its finished!!).

There was a pregnant lady who gets diagnosed with cancer, and Dr House persuades her husband to allow them to do a Cesarean so that the baby can live, even though they all know the lady has 0% chance at surviving. At the start of the episode they told her to do the C section straight away, so she could start radiotherapy, but she begged them to wait another week so the baby had more chance to develop, it was her choice so they had to wait, then it got too late and she got so ill that the husband had to decide what to do, she was going to die anyway, it was just a matter of when. But he saved the baby, even though he said at the start that he couldnt possibly do it on his own, without her, as the baby was for her, and was 'hers'. Dr House said this is the reason he should let them deliver the baby.
I broke down, because I KNOW it is actually very possible that this is the situation that we could face if we were to pursue a pregnancy, I KNOW FULL WELL that I may be forcing my OH to have to make the same kind of decision, which is not fair and is selfish.
We both cried, but I couldn't face him. I couldn't even look at him. I left the room and went to bed. We didn't even mention it again. And I know he was crying for the same reason I was, the recognition that that could happen. And I also know that is the exact reason he doesnt want children, or at least the reason he tells me he's not bothered about having them. To avoid him having to choose.

Ugh. I just feel utterly pants at the moment. Sorry for whining on, this is not really the place for all of this, but I don't honestly know where else I can vent.

I think I'm having a bit of a mid life crisis, at 29. We are too skint to do anything decent with our lives, yet we have all the freedom we want with no children to consider, if we want to fly to Japan, there's no stopping us, (apart from lack of medical insurance and my hospital appointments and the fact that we are too skint.)
We don't DO anything or go anywhere. To be fair, I hate socialising, I hate the pressure to have conventional fun, but I love travelling, and sitting in libraries, reading books, and sitting in a park just people watching.

I can't remember the last time OH and I had a proper conversation about anything meaningful, we talk and laugh and have fun together at home, but we don't communicate about our real feelings, about what we REALLY want to do. Or about money or things that matter.
It boils down to what my mum said over Christmas, 'that family just doesn't know how to communicate and they don't talk to each other'. I am part of that family. She meant me too.
I keep thinking that I just want to get away for a while, on my own, get rid of twitter, facebook, instagram, the internet, just check in to a hotel for a while with a book and a bath and hide away until I've pulled myself together.

Wow, that was cathartic. If not boring and emotional to read. I'm sorry.

Today hasnt even been a no spend day, as I had to withdraw cash for bus fare, and I bought reduced sushi for my tea (OH on late shifts) so that I had change for the bus, as the bus drivers won't accept anything higher than £5 note. And I bought a magazine.
£3.20 in M&5
£2.50 bus fare.

AleMrsT

misstara wrote: »

Hugs AleMrsT - hope things are ok now

Thanks misstara, although today's post is full of even more January blues than yesterdays.

Hopefully I will snap out of it soon and regain my MSE focus.

misstara

Hi AleMrsT, sorry to read you're feeling so down at the moment, sending big hugs your way. Feel free to vent all you want - its your diary I find sometimes the best way to have a decent chat with my OH is to get a takeaway coffee and go for a walk somewhere - in the flat there's always a distraction.

AleMrsT

Thanks misstara. You'll be pleased to know I feel a lot better today, I had a good night's sleep, despite dreaming about a crocodile! I was telling my friend at work saying how random it was to dream about a crocodile, ive never seen one in my life, and she said to Google the meaning of dreams, after reading online, the crocodile dream makes perfect sense!
Anyway, I've done all of the ironing tonight, whilst watching little mermaid and aladdin. Feels great that I've done it.
My emotions are so up and down at the moment, I surprise myself with how down my posts are when I'm having a bad day. Maybe I should do something about the state of my mind. Not sure.

Not a NSD today, wasted money on a 8oots deal. However, I got the most expensive salad option, most expensive drink and snack to see how much I could save, and the total saving was £2.35! Nearly another meal deal! I also got crisps for 10p and the £1 tuna sandwiches that I bought home for my tea. Total spend for today £6.89, including bus fare home.
Naughty. Need to focus on NSDs.
OH is off tomorrow morning and it's my day off, so might try and sit down with him and have a proper chat about how I've been feeling lately, I know it doesn't help when I don't feel I can talk to him.

Thanks for reading my ramblings. I can't wait until 25th when stepchange have made the first payment so I can update my totals!

misstara

Glad you're feeling better. Sounds like a plan re speaking to OH. Haha I don't know whether dreaming of crocodiles is good or bad but hope you get a good nights sleep tonight.

AleMrsT

I've just switched on my old phone, I swapped my number when OH took out a joint contract, and I put the phone on to cancel my current contract with Vod4phone. I have 14 voicemails from Failifax. Haha. I called them back, as they have rejected the payment plan offered by stepchange. I spoke to helpful advisor there who has put my account on hold and told me to get stepchange to re-send the proposal through, as they can see no payment has been made on the account since November so it is more likely that the proposal will now be accepted. He has put my account on hold for 7 days whilst Stepchange contact them again.
I then asked him for my balance, and It's increased because of the arrears charge and added interest, so its reduced my percentage paid by 1%. (signature updated)

I then called stepchange, and the lady there was lovely, she said she would get everything sent straight off to them to be reassessed, so hopefully no more interest or charges will accrue with Halifax now either.

I didnt tell Halifax that my mobile number has changed, if they're going to call everyday they can get the voicemail on my old phone :rotfl:

Also tried to get ahead and get some gift sets in the 8oots online sale for birthdays etc for the coming year, by the time I went to the checkout screen, everything had sold out so I ended up with an empty basket!!

AleMrsT

I have changed my signature to be more reflective of my debt amount at the start of my DMP. Its also simpler to update.

AleMrsT

NSD today :j

Called Vod@phone to cancel my contract on my old phone, the advisor said there is a £45.12 fee, however, if I wait two weeks and cancel during the last 8 weeks of my contract, there will be no fee, so I've set a reminder on my phone. The next payment of £17 is due on 24th so at least that saves me £28. :T

My friends are coming over this evening so I'm looking forward to that.
Feeling a lot more positive again today.

misstara

Hope you have a lovely evening with your friends. :T for the NSD.

AleMrsT

So, yesterday's NSD turned into a spend day, as I did some online shopping in the NewL@@k sale. It is my OH's work 'end of year' party tomorrow night, and its a hoedown themed night, so I spent ages trawling through the sale stuff to find something suitably 'western' without being OTT. I spent £66, bought boots, a dress, two tops, a pair of jeans and a scarf.

Then OH got home last night and told me most people aren't bothering with the theme, so its just smart casual! Even though £66 is a lot, the total cost should have been £151.94, so I saved £85.94!! However, the items all arrived today so I will be taking them back to the store tomorrow for a refund as I no longer need the items (and they're all totally not my style for every day wear).

My friend has popped in again this evening with my belated birthday present, book voucher, lovely body wash and a scented candle to match the body wash scent. They know me so well! A long bath with a nice candle and a good book is my favourite thing ever!!

I also made use of the veg I bought last week and havent used as OH been on late shift, I have made bacon, leek and broccoli bake, (a bit like a frittata, tasted amazing!!) Got enough left for work lunch tomorrow.
Also made leek and potato soup with the left over leeks :T That will do for lunch for two days next week, although I still have a tub of the carrot soup I made last week in the freezer at work, so I really have NO excuse to buy anything at all during the week at work.

We are staying over at the hotel tomorrow night after OH's work party (OH works at a conference centre with guest rooms), it will be the same price as a taxi home (£15!) and it means I can walk straight there after work instead of needing £2.50 bus fare home to then need a lift back to the hotel for the party, as OH working 10am - 6pm and the party starts at 7! :eek: Also means we can get ready in the room (saves electric and water at home!! :rotfl:) and we get dinner at the party, and breakfast included in the morning with the overnight stay. Be a nice treat, and it shouldnt really cost that much. :j Might see if I can squeeze in a swim session after breakfast in the morning, make the most of it!