So called wife - had an affiar

mandragora_2

http://www.watson-thomas.co.uk/help-and-advice/27-help-and-advice-divorce-relationship-breakdown/63-grounds-for-divorce-unreasonable-behaviour

The above link may be helpful. I think that the definition of 'inappropriate relationship' as grounds for divorce may be the thing you want to consider. Once you have had a bit of time to cool down a little and can stand back enough to take stock, one thing I'd suggest you do is go and see a well-recommended local divorce lawyer yourself - not because it IS what you're going to decide to do, but because it's something you MIGHT want to decide to do, along with many other options too. Solicitors firms will usually offer a free first consultation, and if you make the appointment and then sit and list all the questions you want answers to before you go in to the meeting, you will be able to make the best use of your time in there. If you need to 'top up' the session with an additional amount of time (say a further half hour) to really get clear on all the options, it will still be money very well spent. If you've been married for 20 odd years and never even thought that this scenario would happen to you, then something like this can come like a bolt from the blue, and the more you get yourself well informed and well supported, the better. It won't make the pain and the sense of betrayal go away, but it might help you to make the decisions which are the best ones for you for now, and for the long run.

cavework

If you have been married for 21 years and brought up 2 great kids then the starting point to my mind would be to talk to each other about the future and what you each actually want, once things have calmed down and before jumping in with solicitors and legal costs all guns blazing

marisco_2

cavework wrote: »

There must have been a reason for this and no one person is to blame.
xx

No matter what the state of a marriage, nothing justifies the awful act of having an affair. To be able to go through with something, knowing that when it will be discovered it will cause immeasurable pain and devastation to a life partner, suggests that any love once felt has died out completely. If a person had even the smallest amount of feelings for someone they couldn't risk harming or losing them.

Once trust is gone there is no relationship left. A strong and healthy connection between two people cant exist without it. My advice OP is to walk away, maintaining your dignity in how you handle things at all times. By remaining amicable you stand the best chance of coming to agreement over the financial aspect of parting in a way that is fair to both of you. The only ones to gain from either of you playing hard ball will be the solicitors.

duchy

Whilst I personally feel an affair is the ultimate betrayal of a marriage -and don't really understand it. It is a fact that many marriages do survive infidelity and the couple manage to get past it and go on to live happily together for many years.

Whilst the OP is so angry and hurt then there will be no meaningful communication but if he can try to talk to her calmly and reasonably at worst he may find out why she is moving on from the marriage which in the long term may help him move forward with his own life more healthily mentally and at best may be the beginning of working through the problems within the marriage.

andrew007007

Better_Days wrote: »

This experience may have caused your wife to re-assess her life and what she wants from life, especially as your children are adults now. People do change, I am certainly not the same person I was when I married over 20 years ago. If you are lucky both in a relationship change over time in a way that is mutually compatable. But it doesn't always work out that way and it isn't necessarily anyone's fault.

If your wife has already been to a solicitor then it does seem that she has moved on.

Like PP's I would advise taking a deep breath, accept what has happened and try and keep everything as civil as possible. Hanging on to, and brooding in bitterness and anger will, in the long run, do you more damage than it does to your wife.

For your wife to become emotionally attached to someone else and to go to a solicitor indicates that there are deep problems in your relationship. You seem to be blaming your wife for what has happened, but have you any understanding of what went wrong?

I'm also a bit unsure of you wanting your wife to 'do the right thing' and move out of the family home. She has as much right to be there as you do.

yes i know legally, but when she has been seeing somebody else then shes tells me leave the family home - its not wright.

andrew007007

HappyMJ wrote: »

You probably already have has legal advice to not use adultery as a reason for divorce. So whether she's had sex or not it's just too intrusive. You would use unreasonable behaviour. You don't need to prove she's had sex then or even having an affair...just that she's doing things out of character such as going out with someone else (of either sex) without your agreement when you had already planned something together. If she's going out to lunch with a friend (even if that friend might be a man) whilst you are at work then that might not be seen as unreasonable if she's not doing anything else during the day.

You only found out on Sunday. Talk about it without accusations of affairs and sex flying about everywhere and you might find you can get over it and find out the reasons why she's seeing a new friend.

this is no friend a lady on facebook contacted me who i didnt know and said you need to know something......and sent me copys of messages from my wife to him stating all their love to each other and there going to be together.

andrew007007

FatVonD wrote: »

Are your children still living with you?

Do not, however difficult living together may be, move out of the house yourself if she refuses to. Don't make it easy for her to move someone else into your house to start living your life with your children.

yes one is 17 one is 20 youngest has really taking it hard

duchy

andrew007007 wrote: »

this is no friend a lady on facebook contacted me who i didnt know and said you need to know something......and sent me copys of messages from my wife to him stating all their love to each other and there going to be together.

So you believe a stranger with goodness knows what agenda without any other supporting evidence or talking to your wife ?
And on facebook of all thing !

seven-day-weekend

Better_Days wrote: »

This experience may have caused your wife to re-assess her life and what she wants from life, especially as your children are adults now. People do change, I am certainly not the same person I was when I married over 20 years ago. If you are lucky both in a relationship change over time in a way that is mutually compatable. But it doesn't always work out that way and it isn't necessarily anyone's fault.

If your wife has already been to a solicitor then it does seem that she has moved on.

Like PP's I would advise taking a deep breath, accept what has happened and try and keep everything as civil as possible. Hanging on to, and brooding in bitterness and anger will, in the long run, do you more damage than it does to your wife.

For your wife to become emotionally attached to someone else and to go to a solicitor indicates that there are deep problems in your relationship. You seem to be blaming your wife for what has happened, but have you any understanding of what went wrong?

I'm also a bit unsure of you wanting your wife to 'do the right thing' and move out of the family home. She has as much right to be there as you do.

But it is she who has broken the terms to the marriage contract. Therefore, imho, leaving the husband in the family home, IS the 'right thing to do', imho. Why should he move out?

Although I do agree that, if both parties want it, the marriage can still be mended. But it sounds as though she doesn't want it.

FBaby

So you believe a stranger with goodness knows what agenda without any other supporting evidence or talking to your wife ?
And on facebook of all thing !

Well the following actions would seem to confirm it. Affair or not, she wanted out.

She has all ready been to a solicitor (as this was pre planned last week when i didnt know) and looks like that i will be getting my letter shortly even though i have done anything.