So called wife - had an affiar

andrew007007

well been married for 21 years and found out on sunday via a stranger that my so called wife has been having a affair since august.

I have been emailed evidence as well. Confronted her, and she said who told you???

then she denies it............

She has all ready been to a solicitor (as this was pre planned last week when i didnt know) and looks like that i will be getting my letter shortly even though i have done anything.

To officialy call it an affair does your partner have to had a sexual relationship with the other person?

Am i in a stronger position because of her deciet?

I know legally she does not have to leave the family home, but i have asked her to leave and do the right thing.

We have both agreed to not touch each others pensions etc, but my solicitor has said she may change her mind once she takes leagal advice.

Any experiences would be very helpful.

Thanks

whitewing

My experience of life changing events is not to rush decisions, accept that you will have strong emotions and don't schedule too much into each day at the moment to give yourself time to deal with thoughts and feelings as they crop up.

Behave with dignity. Be wary of saying too much to family and friends - offload to someone neutral. Do you have children?

TBagpuss

andrew007007 wrote: »

To officialy call it an affair does your partner have to had a sexual relationship with the other person?

Am i in a stronger position because of her deciet?


Thanks

1. If you want to divorce her based on adultery then yes, there has to have been a sexual relationship.

2. In terms of your negotiations with her - possibly, if she feels guilty. Legally, when it comes to looking at any financial settlement, then no.

Whitewing is correct. It's generally not a god idea to rush into decisions, especially after having a shock. Give yourself time.

Mojisola

andrew007007 wrote: »

well been married for 21 years and found out on sunday via a stranger that my so called wife has been having a affair since august.

To officialy call it an affair does your partner have to had a sexual relationship with the other person?

If she hasn't had a sexual relationship, then how is it an affair?

thorsoak

andrew007007 wrote: »

well been married for 21 years and found out on sunday via a stranger that my so called wife has been having a affair since august.

I have been emailed evidence as well. Confronted her, and she said who told you???

then she denies it............

She has all ready been to a solicitor (as this was pre planned last week when i didnt know) and looks like that i will be getting my letter shortly even though i have done anything.

To officialy call it an affair does your partner have to had a sexual relationship with the other person?

Am i in a stronger position because of her deciet?

I know legally she does not have to leave the family home, but i have asked her to leave and do the right thing.

We have both agreed to not touch each others pensions etc, but my solicitor has said she may change her mind once she takes leagal advice.

Any experiences would be very helpful.

Thanks

It does sound as if your marriage is over - but I would counsel calm. Do nothing whilst you are angry and shocked. When petitioning for divorce, there is now no guilty or innocent party - adultery is accepted as a sign of the breakdown of a marriage, as is unreasonable behaviour.

If you can agree to settle things financially between you without incurring soliciors fees, then all well and good - you will both save.

maman

I assume the term 'so called wife' is because of the way you're feeling at the moment. How things go in the future might depend on whether she's your legal wife or not.

andrew007007

whitewing wrote: »

My experience of life changing events is not to rush decisions, accept that you will have strong emotions and don't schedule too much into each day at the moment to give yourself time to deal with thoughts and feelings as they crop up.

Behave with dignity. Be wary of saying too much to family and friends - offload to someone neutral. Do you have children?

Yes two girls, one 20 and one 17.

andrew007007

maman wrote: »

I assume the term 'so called wife' is because of the way you're feeling at the moment. How things go in the future might depend on whether she's your legal wife or not.

So called wife, yes the way i am feeling, trusted her through and through, she nearly died in 2012 and i nursed her back to health.

So feel totally shocked and lost.

PeacefulWaters

Mojisola wrote: »

If she hasn't had a sexual relationship, then how is it an affair?

Google "emotional affair" and you may get to understand the damage a non-physical relationship can cause.

andrew007007 wrote: »

she nearly died in 2012 and i nursed her back to health.

So feel totally shocked and lost.

Maybe she is too. That's not to justify an inappropriate relationship, but sooner or later a reality may well kick in for her. Your marriage doesn't have to end because of this (although if she's the first one to see a solicitor it doesn't look great).

If you can behave respectfully you will come out of this the other side a stronger person.

Am i in a stronger position because of her deciet?

Probably not. But your solicitor is the one to ask.

I know legally she does not have to leave the family home, but i have asked her to leave and do the right thing.

While I can't begin to imagine how difficult it is, you may be rushing things.

Have you asked her what she wants? Do you know what you want?

We have both agreed to not touch each others pensions etc, but my solicitor has said she may change her mind once she takes leagal advice.

Rest assured, once there are solicitors on the case they will fleece you every which way.

Regardless of the future of your marriage seek counselling support for you. While your GP may be in a position to refer it's more likely that you'll need to arrange this yourself. Relate is one place you could go. Larger employers may have a confidential support scheme in place too.

Avoid drinking, drugs, gambling and other addictive behaviours. Cut back on coffee and eat well - avoid sugary foods. Exercise daily, even if it's just a half hour walk. Look after you!

Better_Days

andrew007007 wrote: »

So called wife, yes the way i am feeling, trusted her through and through, she nearly died in 2012 and i nursed her back to health.

This experience may have caused your wife to re-assess her life and what she wants from life, especially as your children are adults now. People do change, I am certainly not the same person I was when I married over 20 years ago. If you are lucky both in a relationship change over time in a way that is mutually compatable. But it doesn't always work out that way and it isn't necessarily anyone's fault.

If your wife has already been to a solicitor then it does seem that she has moved on.

Like PP's I would advise taking a deep breath, accept what has happened and try and keep everything as civil as possible. Hanging on to, and brooding in bitterness and anger will, in the long run, do you more damage than it does to your wife.

For your wife to become emotionally attached to someone else and to go to a solicitor indicates that there are deep problems in your relationship. You seem to be blaming your wife for what has happened, but have you any understanding of what went wrong?

I'm also a bit unsure of you wanting your wife to 'do the right thing' and move out of the family home. She has as much right to be there as you do.

bridgedino

You going to just roll over and accept this? What about trying to fix it? 21 years of marriage shouldn't be given up lightly

Some time apart to allow you both to grasp what's happened might provide some clarity for you both.