Boyfriend's gambling problem financially affecting me

Somerset

Mostly what others have said.


It doesn't sound like a gambling addiction, maybe 1K a year plus small flutters. Blows food money fast, blows grant money fast. Basically it's a 'if I have it I spend it' or 'money burns a hole in his pocket' mentality. Runs out, gets subbed by parents or girlfriend. Sense of entitlement - 'it's not my fault'. No sense of embarrassment sponging off girlfriend. Embarrassed when mummy/daddy find out and throws strop (betrayal) but just reverts to type afterwards - no learning curve.


You obviously need to talk hence parents question. That does feel a bit like gossiping behind his back. But discussing his behaviour - I can't see how that would fundamentally change the problem - which is his attitude and behaviour. He needs to grow up and you can't make that happen.

thorsoak

genuinegal21 wrote: »

Hello,

To cut a long story short, my boyfriend of 4 years has had an intermittent gambling problem. I don't live with him, we have mostly been long distance (200 miles). He has pretty much been supported by his parents financially since day dot (he went to private boarding school).

He will lose big about once every year, if that, but he will intermittently bet £5, or £20 when he has access to money. Problem is, either his parents, or myself have bailed him out when he complains he has no money for food etc. He will and has done emotionally manipulate me to give (id say lend as never get it back) him money.

On one occasion it got too much. I had just lost my job through redundancy, and he had asked me to lend him £10 (whilst he was a student on an Access course - he's 26). I gave him it, and then a day later, he asks for more money. I knew it wasn't for gambling as what he does is buy food that could feed 3 people but eat it himself in one day - it infuriates me. Anyhow, I was on my way to visit him that weekend and we got into an argument because I said no to lending him more money. His parents wanted to know what happened and I told them. He was furious and basically said I breached his trust. He said he didnt want to be with me anymore and felt cheated (clearly the shame made him hit out emotionally). Then he retracted what he said after he calmed down and spoke to his mum and said he couldnt live without me.

Two weeks ago, my boyfriend started university. Its been a slow progression but he has come far to start university. Everyone in his family are really proud as he is the first one to go to uni in the family (family are traditionally middle class but never attended university themselves).

He blew the remainder of his student loan (£1k) and was left with zilch. He had no money for food and threatened to quit uni. I didnt want that to happen to him - he had come a long way. I stupidly but supportively said I would give him £35 per week for the next 3 months until his next loans come in. I would EXPECT this back, without a shadow of a doubt. Problem is, I am still unemployed - i am 33 and have been struggling to find regular long term work (graduated myself last year with degree in Business). I have £900 in savings to help towards start up costs in finding a new houseshare (only thing i can afford). Currently, I am sleeping on a friend's sofa until I hear the outcome of a number of interviews (both where my boyfriend lives, and my home town, albeit the latter has poor job market anyhow).

I don't know why on earth I agreed to giving him £35 per week when he hasn't even spent that wisely. It was gone after 4 days and asked for another £10 because he spent most of the £35 on important stationery for uni. £35 is A LOT of money to me and I can buy so much food with that amount and make it into portions: he is just frustratingly lazy.

The reality has hit me how I can't continue to agree to paying him, it's making me feel ill. Of course I love the guy, he's not a complete tool, but I have to say this gambling stint recently has felt like the nail in the proverbial coffin.

I want to tell his parents - because I can't deal with this burden on my own No one else knows - none of my friends and non of his (even his own best friend he's known all his life). Why do i have to have the burden of that? I know if I told his parents, they would be mortified he has returned back to gambling, particularly in light of him successfully going to university - they never thought that would happen. I have supported him over the years, but this is too much for me now.

Shall I tell them? He will be FURIOUS I have broken his trust, but I literally have no one to talk to....

Please, I would really appreciate your help. I dont know what to
do.

He is an adult - it is his responsibility to support himself - not yours, not his parents. You are not breaking his trust - he has broken yours, by not paying you back, by not respecting the fact that you are loaning him money that you can ill-afford.

In actual fact, you have "adopted" a 26 year old manchild - and to be honest, no real woman needs that - not even a woman who has given birth to said 26 year-old manchild!

Tell him - enough is enough - if he gives up uni, then that is up to him. It is up to him to manage his finances, to budget, not yours, not his parents.

If you were his parent, I would be advising tough love, broken record syndrome "no, I shall not loan you any money, no I cannot afford to subsidise you any more". As you are not his parent - I would still advise as above - but also I would be looking at exactly what I was getting out of the relationship - does he love me, or my bank account? Does he make me happy? Does he do anything for me?

Good luck!

*Robin*

tinkerbell28 wrote: »

Please tell me you're not 33. That's my age. I absolutely would not have a man child like this drag me down. Jesus wept, you can't be 33! This guy is an absolute loser and will ruin your life totally. Bin him.

From OP's first thread in May '12:

genuinegal21 wrote:

18-05-2012, 3:27 PM
...............
I really appreciate your advice alot!

Emma (mature student of 31)

ETA: ps. Apologies for looking back, OP, but there have been too many false threads recently, started by a notorious troll on MSE who uses various AEs.. (FWIW having now read your previous posts, reckon my suspicions were unfounded - sorry).

Conclusion hasn't altered though; unless you're a masochist - walk away, or better yet - run! It will hurt in the short term, but open up the possibility of a much happier future for you.

shop-to-drop

Take this opportunity to make something of your life without the constraints of someone holding you back and bringing you down. You can go find work anywhere in the country now (or the world even). Go find the best job in the best place to start a new life. You have got yourself into the position of improving your education presumably to improve your prospects, now go for it! He is an immature loser who is using you like he's using his parents in fact you are almost like an extra parent.

Be brave, be kind to yourself, maybe it is even being kind to him too.

Run Run Run.

hollycupcake

Going against the grain a little here, having kind of been on the other side.

Clearly your BF must have some kind of redeeming qualities or you would have been off like a shot so if you think it's worth holding onto, who am I to judge? But you just can't keep bailing him out. Cut off the funding, mainly because you just cannot afford it. Explain to him what you're doing an why you're doing it. Just be honest. He'll either understand what you're saying and actually be sorry for the way he's treated you, or he'll be like a sulky teenager (and that might be the kick in the pants you need to cut him loose).

Speak to him about his issues (gambling and - it sounds like - food issues). He would most likely benefit from some kind of counselling, I would have thought. You AREN'T his counsellor, though. Stay with him and support him if you see a future with him, but don't be his saviour. Encourage him to go to the places he needs for help. If he needs financial help encourage him to find a P/T job and point him in the direction of a budgeting app or something.

Please don't be a doormat though. If the bad far outweighs the good and he has no intention of changing, it's time to move on.

It sounds like a horrible situation, good luck with it.

balletshoes

genuinegal21 wrote: »

Hello,

To cut a long story short, my boyfriend of 4 years has had an intermittent gambling problem. I don't live with him, we have mostly been long distance (200 miles). He has pretty much been supported by his parents financially since day dot (he went to private boarding school).

He will lose big about once every year, if that, but he will intermittently bet £5, or £20 when he has access to money. Problem is, either his parents, or myself have bailed him out when he complains he has no money for food etc. He will and has done emotionally manipulate me to give (id say lend as never get it back) him money.

On one occasion it got too much. I had just lost my job through redundancy, and he had asked me to lend him £10 (whilst he was a student on an Access course - he's 26). I gave him it, and then a day later, he asks for more money. I knew it wasn't for gambling as what he does is buy food that could feed 3 people but eat it himself in one day - it infuriates me. Anyhow, I was on my way to visit him that weekend and we got into an argument because I said no to lending him more money. His parents wanted to know what happened and I told them. He was furious and basically said I breached his trust. He said he didnt want to be with me anymore and felt cheated (clearly the shame made him hit out emotionally). Then he retracted what he said after he calmed down and spoke to his mum and said he couldnt live without me.

Two weeks ago, my boyfriend started university. Its been a slow progression but he has come far to start university. Everyone in his family are really proud as he is the first one to go to uni in the family (family are traditionally middle class but never attended university themselves).

He blew the remainder of his student loan (£1k) and was left with zilch. He had no money for food and threatened to quit uni. I didnt want that to happen to him - he had come a long way. I stupidly but supportively said I would give him £35 per week for the next 3 months until his next loans come in. I would EXPECT this back, without a shadow of a doubt. Problem is, I am still unemployed - i am 33 and have been struggling to find regular long term work (graduated myself last year with degree in Business). I have £900 in savings to help towards start up costs in finding a new houseshare (only thing i can afford). Currently, I am sleeping on a friend's sofa until I hear the outcome of a number of interviews (both where my boyfriend lives, and my home town, albeit the latter has poor job market anyhow).

I don't know why on earth I agreed to giving him £35 per week when he hasn't even spent that wisely. It was gone after 4 days and asked for another £10 because he spent most of the £35 on important stationery for uni. £35 is A LOT of money to me and I can buy so much food with that amount and make it into portions: he is just frustratingly lazy.

The reality has hit me how I can't continue to agree to paying him, it's making me feel ill. Of course I love the guy, he's not a complete tool, but I have to say this gambling stint recently has felt like the nail in the proverbial coffin.

I want to tell his parents - because I can't deal with this burden on my own No one else knows - none of my friends and non of his (even his own best friend he's known all his life). Why do i have to have the burden of that? I know if I told his parents, they would be mortified he has returned back to gambling, particularly in light of him successfully going to university - they never thought that would happen. I have supported him over the years, but this is too much for me now.

Shall I tell them? He will be FURIOUS I have broken his trust, but I literally have no one to talk to....

Please, I would really appreciate your help. I dont know what to do.

I haven't read any replies to your post yet OP.

Just from this post though - if I were your friend and you'd just told me what you've written down, I'd be telling you point blank that you are enabling your bf's behaviour, he'll never get a grip on his gambling or his finances while you are there to bail him out, and you can't afford to (either fiscally or emotionally).
So you have 2 options -
you say no more lending money to him, you mean it, and you stick to it
or you break up with him altogether.

This is the start of a very rocky road either way, but if you carry on lending? (nope, giving him) money you'll very quickly grow to resent him, and that will make you feel even worse than you do now.

Carrying on bailing him out is not an option that you will be able to sustain and still have any kind of healthy relationship with this guy.

balletshoes

genuinegal21 wrote: »

Its so easy for people to say 'get rid' when they have never been in the same boat. Imagine you were with someone you love, and in love with - would it be so easy for you to 'get rid'? Ending a 4 yr rship is not easy, especially when i am already feeling like rubbish having no home and no job.

you are assuming that the people who are replying to you have not been in a similar situation?

Better_Days

A friend of mine spent 8 years with someone during her 30's who sponged off her (and had a problem with alcohol to boot). She got to the point of leaving him many times but he always managed to charm her back again. He is manipulative and selfish. It was like she was on a piece of elastic and she would get to a certain point of leaving him and he would snap her back again.

She finally saw the light and that he was never going to change. But by that time she was nearly 40 and has now probably lost all chance of having children, one of her deepest wishes.

She now says she wished she had left him years earlier. The longer it went on the harder it was for her to finish it.

OP, I suspect your partner charms you and makes you feel good and the 'price' you pay is lending him money. This will not end well. It is very unlikely that he will change, and from his POV why should he - he has always been bailed out in the past - what reason has he to think things will be different.

I think that if you attempt to cut off his funding it will be much more difficult than if you end the relationship. If you stay with him the danger is that you will be sucked into his vortex of financial support again. Very sorry for you, I saw my friend go through this for years, and I saw the pain and the damage it did to her self esteem. I suggest that you care for yourself and value yourself and cut yourself off from this man.

tinkerbell28

balletshoes wrote: »

you are assuming that the people who are replying to you have not been in a similar situation?

I think she is. Let me tell you op, been there. In my youth 18 odd. I dated an older man who'd been mad with money all his life. Didn't listen.

He sponged off me and his Mum in the end. I enabled him. He wasn't an addict, just terrible with money. I bailed him out, never had any money myself and I wasted a good few years with him.

Shall I tell you what happened to him? He was the same throughout his 30's and he is now in his 40's the same again.

He went bankrupt, bankrupted his Mum oh and he got stuck in a PDL spiral and did it all over again. I'm your age now and thank god I got out when I'd did, or he'd have ruined my life as well. He's still the same bloke I hear from back home. Makes me cringe I was ever with him, eughhh :eek: :eek:

At your age now, you really should've got over this and saw the light. He's snatching your best years away from you! Get angry with him and dump his sorry !!!.

Think how hard it will be in another 5 years, when you're 38. Or kids are involved or marriage and a house. Go now why you're still young.

BitterAndTwisted

Angel, your little nest-egg of savings cannot be compromised. I know you're hoping to hear back about the interviews you've had but what happens if the friend on whose sofa you're kipping decides the arrangement isn't working? !!!!!!. Creek. No paddle. I hope to God that a job comes up soon and it's not in the town where he is studying.

He's irresponsible, selfish and manipulative. These are not qualities which make for a successful and contented relationship.

Stop worrying about ending this four year-long entanglement. Look up the "sunken costs" fallacy.

Tell his parents that he's been leaching off you and is planning to continue to do so because he's spunked away all of his student loan already and let them figure it out between them. And then walk away. The quicker you're out of this the better