We'd like to remind Forumites to please avoid political debate on the Forum... Read More »
📨 Have you signed up to the Forum's new Email Digest yet? Get a selection of trending threads sent straight to your inbox daily, weekly or monthly!
Boyfriend's gambling problem financially affecting me
Options
genuinegal21
Posts: 31 Forumite
Hello,
To cut a long story short, my boyfriend of 4 years has had an intermittent gambling problem. I don't live with him, we have mostly been long distance (200 miles). He has pretty much been supported by his parents financially since day dot (he went to private boarding school).
He will lose big about once every year, if that, but he will intermittently bet £5, or £20 when he has access to money. Problem is, either his parents, or myself have bailed him out when he complains he has no money for food etc. He will and has done emotionally manipulate me to give (id say lend as never get it back) him money.
On one occasion it got too much. I had just lost my job through redundancy, and he had asked me to lend him £10 (whilst he was a student on an Access course - he's 26). I gave him it, and then a day later, he asks for more money. I knew it wasn't for gambling as what he does is buy food that could feed 3 people but eat it himself in one day - it infuriates me. Anyhow, I was on my way to visit him that weekend and we got into an argument because I said no to lending him more money. His parents wanted to know what happened and I told them. He was furious and basically said I breached his trust. He said he didnt want to be with me anymore and felt cheated (clearly the shame made him hit out emotionally). Then he retracted what he said after he calmed down and spoke to his mum and said he couldnt live without me.
Two weeks ago, my boyfriend started university. Its been a slow progression but he has come far to start university. Everyone in his family are really proud as he is the first one to go to uni in the family (family are traditionally middle class but never attended university themselves).
He blew the remainder of his student loan (£1k) and was left with zilch. He had no money for food and threatened to quit uni. I didnt want that to happen to him - he had come a long way. I stupidly but supportively said I would give him £35 per week for the next 3 months until his next loans come in. I would EXPECT this back, without a shadow of a doubt. Problem is, I am still unemployed - i am 33 and have been struggling to find regular long term work (graduated myself last year with degree in Business). I have £900 in savings to help towards start up costs in finding a new houseshare (only thing i can afford). Currently, I am sleeping on a friend's sofa until I hear the outcome of a number of interviews (both where my boyfriend lives, and my home town, albeit the latter has poor job market anyhow).
I don't know why on earth I agreed to giving him £35 per week when he hasn't even spent that wisely. It was gone after 4 days and asked for another £10 because he spent most of the £35 on important stationery for uni. £35 is A LOT of money to me and I can buy so much food with that amount and make it into portions: he is just frustratingly lazy.
The reality has hit me how I can't continue to agree to paying him, it's making me feel ill. Of course I love the guy, he's not a complete tool, but I have to say this gambling stint recently has felt like the nail in the proverbial coffin.
I want to tell his parents - because I can't deal with this burden on my own
No one else knows - none of my friends and non of his (even his own best friend he's known all his life). Why do i have to have the burden of that? I know if I told his parents, they would be mortified he has returned back to gambling, particularly in light of him successfully going to university - they never thought that would happen. I have supported him over the years, but this is too much for me now.
Shall I tell them? He will be FURIOUS I have broken his trust, but I literally have no one to talk to....
Please, I would really appreciate your help. I dont know what to do.
To cut a long story short, my boyfriend of 4 years has had an intermittent gambling problem. I don't live with him, we have mostly been long distance (200 miles). He has pretty much been supported by his parents financially since day dot (he went to private boarding school).
He will lose big about once every year, if that, but he will intermittently bet £5, or £20 when he has access to money. Problem is, either his parents, or myself have bailed him out when he complains he has no money for food etc. He will and has done emotionally manipulate me to give (id say lend as never get it back) him money.
On one occasion it got too much. I had just lost my job through redundancy, and he had asked me to lend him £10 (whilst he was a student on an Access course - he's 26). I gave him it, and then a day later, he asks for more money. I knew it wasn't for gambling as what he does is buy food that could feed 3 people but eat it himself in one day - it infuriates me. Anyhow, I was on my way to visit him that weekend and we got into an argument because I said no to lending him more money. His parents wanted to know what happened and I told them. He was furious and basically said I breached his trust. He said he didnt want to be with me anymore and felt cheated (clearly the shame made him hit out emotionally). Then he retracted what he said after he calmed down and spoke to his mum and said he couldnt live without me.
Two weeks ago, my boyfriend started university. Its been a slow progression but he has come far to start university. Everyone in his family are really proud as he is the first one to go to uni in the family (family are traditionally middle class but never attended university themselves).
He blew the remainder of his student loan (£1k) and was left with zilch. He had no money for food and threatened to quit uni. I didnt want that to happen to him - he had come a long way. I stupidly but supportively said I would give him £35 per week for the next 3 months until his next loans come in. I would EXPECT this back, without a shadow of a doubt. Problem is, I am still unemployed - i am 33 and have been struggling to find regular long term work (graduated myself last year with degree in Business). I have £900 in savings to help towards start up costs in finding a new houseshare (only thing i can afford). Currently, I am sleeping on a friend's sofa until I hear the outcome of a number of interviews (both where my boyfriend lives, and my home town, albeit the latter has poor job market anyhow).
I don't know why on earth I agreed to giving him £35 per week when he hasn't even spent that wisely. It was gone after 4 days and asked for another £10 because he spent most of the £35 on important stationery for uni. £35 is A LOT of money to me and I can buy so much food with that amount and make it into portions: he is just frustratingly lazy.
The reality has hit me how I can't continue to agree to paying him, it's making me feel ill. Of course I love the guy, he's not a complete tool, but I have to say this gambling stint recently has felt like the nail in the proverbial coffin.
I want to tell his parents - because I can't deal with this burden on my own
No one else knows - none of my friends and non of his (even his own best friend he's known all his life). Why do i have to have the burden of that? I know if I told his parents, they would be mortified he has returned back to gambling, particularly in light of him successfully going to university - they never thought that would happen. I have supported him over the years, but this is too much for me now.Shall I tell them? He will be FURIOUS I have broken his trust, but I literally have no one to talk to....
Please, I would really appreciate your help. I dont know what to do.
0
Comments
-
I suspect you do know what to do, just need a few others to confirm it for you. Get rid now, he isn't going to change. Save yourself a lot of future pain and anguish.:dance:We're gonna be alright, dancin' on a Saturday night:dance:0
-
Dump him now He's a parasite0
-
Thats not really the response i was looking for, but appreciate you took the time to post.
Would you breach your partner's trust and tell their parents - whether it was to do with gambling, alcohol, drugs etc.0 -
genuinegal21 wrote: »Thats not really the response i was looking for, but appreciate you took the time to post.
Would you breach your partner's trust and tell their parents - whether it was to do with gambling, alcohol, drugs etc.
I don't quite get why you are asking about the patents here
You all three have a relationship with home, but individual ones
You can ( and should ) walk away now
What they decide to do its nothing to do with you
He won't change, not whilst everyone is going to enable him
Telling his parents won't change what's happening to you right now, nor the future
Seriously, I speak as an addict.0 -
Get rid of him.0
-
I don't quite get why you are asking about the patents here
You all three have a relationship with home, but individual ones
You can ( and should ) walk away now
What they decide to do its nothing to do with you
He won't change, not whilst everyone is going to enable him
Telling his parents won't change what's happening to you right now, nor the future
Seriously, I speak as an addict.
I ask about the parents because they can take away the burden i am currently holding. How is any addict supposed to change unless they have an almighty fall? I dont mean that disrespectfully to him as an addict, but they say it takes a heavy fall before there is real change....
It will change what's happening to me right now, because i wont solely carry the burden any longer.
I appreciate your advice, being an addict yourself.0 -
Homeownertobe wrote: »Get rid of him.
Its so easy for people to say 'get rid' when they have never been in the same boat. Imagine you were with someone you love, and in love with - would it be so easy for you to 'get rid'? Ending a 4 yr rship is not easy, especially when i am already feeling like rubbish having no home and no job.0 -
Take it from me, you will not get back the £455 back!
Your boy friend is one of those who knows he can borrow money at anytime from you.
Stop doing it now. It's the only way you will get him to stand up on his own feet.
If he wants to throw in the university course, that's his choice. Justs tells you he is still a 'little boy', not a grown up adult.
As for telling his parents, what is that going to achieve.The more I live, the more I learn.
The more I learn, the more I grow.
The more I grow, the more I see.
The more I see, the more I know.
The more I know, the more I see,
How little I know.!!
0 -
You can tell his parents or not - entirely up to you. But you need to move on. You are out of work & are giving HIM money. He sounds like a loser. I will place a bet on this one. If you stay with him you will subsidise him for years and the day he gets a half way decent job he will be gone.
Sorry I know that is harsh but I have seen it happen a few times but more usually in the other direction (a female waster).0 -
Don't waste any more of your life, get ridBlackpool_Saver is female, and does not live in Blackpool0
This discussion has been closed.
Confirm your email address to Create Threads and Reply
Categories
- All Categories
- 351.1K Banking & Borrowing
- 253.2K Reduce Debt & Boost Income
- 453.7K Spending & Discounts
- 244.1K Work, Benefits & Business
- 599.2K Mortgages, Homes & Bills
- 177K Life & Family
- 257.5K Travel & Transport
- 1.5M Hobbies & Leisure
- 16.1K Discuss & Feedback
- 37.6K Read-Only Boards