Boyfriend's gambling problem financially affecting me

geminilady

I would not tell his parents but have a proper talk with him and tell him you cannot afford the £35 a week.He could get a part time job to earn the money himself.People are saying "get rid" because gambling is an awful addiction that ruins lives.Is he willing to go to get help?Also you say he does not manage money well but it has to be learnt and he did buy books with the money you said only lasted four days.You could help him make his money go further and there are lots of ideas in the forums for making money stretch

tinkerbell28

If the parents bail him out though, it's not an almighty fall is it? You already told them once before!

The reason people are saying get out now, is before you've got a life to lose. A house, kids to feed. He will never change and God help you if you've have children with him one day.

Pollycat

From your replies to other posters, you obviously don't want to hear it - but this guy is poncing off you.
(To clarify the context of using this word:
seek to obtain (something) without paying for it or doing anything in return.
"I ponced a ciggie off her")

I would suggest you read through your first post and ask yourself if you want to live like this for the rest of your life.

You said he's been pretty much supported by his parents financially since day dot.
Why have you now taken his parents place and are supporting him?

You've said that you agreed to loan him £35 per week but he blew it in the first 4 days and then asked you for more.
Can't you see that this is a totally irresponsible way to behave?

He says he can't live without you - what he really means is that he can't live without your money.

I wouldn't tell his parents.
I'd simply tell him that you are no longer going to be the Bank of Girlfriend.

addedvaluebob

You need to share this with his parents as a first step, it is unfair on you to carry this alone, keeping things to yourself leads to a big mental strain on you. If you still want to 'help' sit down with him and his parents and come up with a plan and structure for money whilst he is at Uni. If he genuinely loves you he will try everything to stick to it, if not, then you will know where you stand and move on. You have no house or job, you need to look after yourself first and then, and only then, re-start the relationship if you still want to. This guy does not sound as much like an addict as someone who would rather let everyone else support him is that what you want to spend the rest of your life doing?

jetplane

genuinegal21 wrote: »

I ask about the parents because they can take away the burden i am currently holding. How is any addict supposed to change unless they have an almighty fall? I dont mean that disrespectfully to him as an addict, but they say it takes a heavy fall before there is real change....

It will change what's happening to me right now, because i wont solely carry the burden any longer.

I appreciate your advice, being an addict yourself.

Would you breach his trust? How many times has this man breached your trust?

He is the burden that you seem willing to carry if his parents help you with the load, but this is not going to make him act responsibly. Do you think that telling his parents will shame him so bad that he will see the light and change? Really?

His behaviour of being furious that you betrayed him is his annoyance at being found out. Could his subsequent turn around and forgiveness be to do with the fact that he saw he could lose an extra source of funding?

In you he has found someone else ready to bail him out just as his parents do. He is probably furious that he was caught begging from both of you. Did you say he was 26?

If you feel rubbish now imagine what you will feel like when he has all of your money and then blames you because there is none left?

Read the warning signs, his parents who know exactly what their son is like. They can not save you, him or your relationship.

I would suggest that you focus your energies into finding help to have the strength to end this relationship, rather than helping him.

Yes addiction is difficult and outside of your control. deciding to live with it and enable it is within your control.

bagpussbear

This guy is a real charmer isn't he.

He thinks it totally ok to accept £35 a week from his unemployed girlfriend who is sleeping on friend's sofas at the moment. My goodness.

That's not a decent, or caring thing to do.

No need to feel ill about this, you need to tell him today that the money stops now, it was an ill considered offer on your part.

As to whether you should maintain a relationship with him, only you can make that decision, but it sounds like he needs some professional help and nothing will ever change if you and his parents keep supporting him,

I wouldn't tell the parents to be honest, I doubt it would help things really.

fabforty

genuinegal21 wrote: »

Its so easy for people to say 'get rid' when they have never been in the same boat. Imagine you were with someone you love, and in love with - would it be so easy for you to 'get rid'? Ending a 4 yr rship is not easy, especially when i am already feeling like rubbish having no home and no job.

If that person were dragging me down, making me miserable and ruining (affecting) my life, yes it would be easy. Easier than the alternative anyway.


To answer your specific question, I think that you should stay with him and tell his parents. His parents will step in, fix the problem/bail him out and you both live happily ever after . I don't think that's what will happen but TBH, it sounds like that is what you want to hear. You have already told his parents so I'm not sure what you think telling them again will achieve. Perhaps they are sick of bailing him out as well. Unfortunately people like this always manage to find someone to take care of them, if it isn't you, it will be someone else.


Stay if you must, but you might as well get used to this life if you do. Good luck.

Caroline_a

You are making his spending habits worse by bailing him out. He has no need to budget as he has the Bank of Parents/Girlfriend.

What would happen if you got run over by a bus? would he find another [STRIKE]girlfriend[/STRIKE] mug straight away, or would he go back to scrounging off his parents? Or, heaven forbid, would he learn how to budget his money himself?

I don't think any of us are telling you anything you don't know. He is using you - that's not love, that's abuse.

Ask yourself the question - do you want to spend your life being abused?

*Robin*

You're 33, he's a 26 year old baby. If you want self-preservation, teach a lesson; wave goodbye (then find someone compatible with the stage of life you're at).

The money you gave him has gone. Be grateful it wasn't a five-figure sum.

Sorry for negative opinion.

Errata

Of course he's a tool. Do you really think his parents don't know that?
Cut the apron strings and leave him to sink or swim, you're not his mummy.