Difficult situation with Dad's extended family

Molly41

One of the slanderous accusations does relate to inheritance and had my mother worried but the wills are very water-tight.
There is an interesting article in Saturday Daily Mail (not usually a reader but my DD pointed it out to me) about a widow who wrote an open letter to all her relatives as they made her husband's last days unbearable by their constant visits and intrusions. This is similar to their behaviour towards my dad - it is self-serving and they don't realise the impact on my father. I will use the POA to protect him.

tyllwyd

It's not totally relevant, but you might be interested to read this transcript of a case from the Court of Protection
http://www.bailii.org/cgi-bin/markup.cgi?doc=/ew/cases/EWCOP/2013/B41.html&query=pb+and+v+and+rb&method=Boolean


It shows that family members don't have an absolute right to have contact with the person who lacks capacity if it isn't in that person's best interests.

gettingtheresometime

Molly41 wrote: »

One of the slanderous accusations does relate to inheritance and had my mother worried but the wills are very water-tight.
There is an interesting article in Saturday Daily Mail (not usually a reader but my DD pointed it out to me) about a widow who wrote an open letter to all her relatives as they made her husband's last days unbearable by their constant visits and intrusions. This is similar to their behaviour towards my dad - it is self-serving and they don't realise the impact on my father. I will use the POA to protect him.

I read that article and I have to say I was in two minds about it (not criticising your stance or hers, it was just my opinion as I was reading it)

It did comes across as being written in the coldness of grief and I must admit I was thinking as I was reading for the love of God why, if you were feeling like that didn't you say something and if they weren't taking the hints then blunt talking then was needed or if the woman couldn't tell people directly,surely there was someone who she could talk to and ask to pass on the message that visitors needed to be limited.

I have the feeling that widowhood is going to be an even lonlier place for her as a result of this article

Molly41

It is strange but I am a retired midwife (ill health) and would have thought nothing of turfing out visitors if it was not in my patient's best interests. I used to be sent it to ask visitors to leave when there were too many around the bed as I was a kind but assertive midwife.

The lady in the article was a nurse and like her I find it really difficult to voice my concerns to my relatives.It is very different when it is personal. I will because I have a duty to do so but in a similar situation I find myself feeling speechless and inconsequential. I am grieving my father too and there are so many emotions floating around. I think that is what has made this situation so difficult as I feel for my relatives - they too must be grieving their brother. However I acknowledge that their presence is not a good influence for my father and i will act on his behalf.

gettingtheresometime

But the difference in your case is that they didn't get on when your dad was well,so its not a case of he's ill you're upsetting/tiring him but if he wasn't then he wouldn't mind them.

Molly41

Yes I know but it is so difficult to know his wishes now. I will act in his best interests but i will take legal advice so know that I have acted in his best interests. We are lucky as we have a lovely family solicitor with a father who has similar health issues.

elsien

Where best interests are concerned, you need to consider what his wishes were likely to have been while he still had capacity to make those decisions, as well as any new factors that have arisen since.
Given that he dreaded seeing them before he became ill, and the new factors are the home saying it is very distressing for him to have contact, I think his wishes should he have capacity would be fairly clear, going on what you have posted. His behaviour is telling you, as much as anything. To the best of your knowledge his wishes were and still are minimal (if any) contact. And even minimal contact isn't working for him as he is now.
Yes they're family, but your dad made his choices about that while he still could. All you are doing is continuing to uphold and respect those choices. You can tear yourself apart with "what if's" if you don't look after yourself.

Mojisola

elsien wrote: »

All you are doing is continuing to uphold and respect those choices.

And you are taking advice from those who have responsibility for his day-to-day care.

I think things have to be really bad and the home very concerned for them to suggest to you that his sisters are banned from seeing him.

FatVonD

Your poor father is probably silently screaming inside. Imagine how awful it must be for him to have to spend his last days surrounded by people he can't stand to be around and he can't do anything about it.

Sorry to be blunt but you need to do the job you were entrusted to do and stop tying yourself in knots.

lilmissreading

Dear Molly

Just to echo what everyone is saying - the idea of having POA and best interests is that you know your father best. I am sure the family solicitor is an excellent person but if I was in this position I wouldn't want a dispassionate, uninvolved person making the decision. I would want the person i loved and trusted enough to set up the POA to do what they thought best. Personally I would not trust that anyone outside my family would understand how crackers some members can be and therefore people outside your family might underestimate these poisonous toads

You are making a decision based on:

1. Your father's previous relationship with his sisters
2. The sisters' behaviour - past and present
3. His current behaviour when they visit
4. The care home's report of his behaviour when they visit
5. A best interests meeting of relevant concerned parties

It is not whimsical, illogical or unfair.


The sisters have no come back in any sense.