Difficult situation with Dad's extended family

Butterfly_Brain

Molly, you really don't need this when your own health is so brittle
I echo what others have said, you have to get the care home to bar them from seeing your dad because they are causing him, your Mum and yourself so much distress.

xxxx

meanmarie

Oh Molly, another problem for you when you could just do without!

I would agree with others that you should instruct the care home that, on foot of their statement that his sisters' visits upset your father, to no longer admit them, he is frail enough and does not need those biddies upsetting him! Neither do you or your mother....

Best of luck.....don't be drawn into any discussion with them, let the home carry out your instructions.

Marie

donny-gal

Molly, you certainly do not need this. Personally I wouldn't hesitate to bar them from visiting. It may be worth paying for a letter to them from a solicitor, minimal cost, state that due to their inappropriate behaviour and concerns raised by the Care Home, the family wish to uphold the wishes of your father when he was OK, that he has not contact with them.
DG

duchy

Surely what the care home want is for you to inform them that they are not to be admitted (but can't actually say this to you outright as it could be construed as leading your decision) ?

Frankly if the sisters want to spend money on going to court - then let them - respond very slowly to any solicitors letters , so it costs them money (or just ignore them completely- they have no legal right to see him anyway) and they'll give up either because it has gone on so long that your Dad passes so there is nothing to argue over or they get fed up with solicitors bills.

I'd suggest call barring on your phones too to stop them pestering you.

Just remember although they may feel they have a moral right to see your Dad - they don't have a legal right to. Do what is best for your Dad and let them mutter and moan all they like. It is all they can do. With a bit of luck they'll take such offence they won't be talking to you or your Mum - which would be an added bonus !

Molly41

donny-gal wrote: »

Molly, you certainly do not need this. Personally I wouldn't hesitate to bar them from visiting. It may be worth paying for a letter to them from a solicitor, minimal cost, state that due to their inappropriate behaviour and concerns raised by the Care Home, the family wish to uphold the wishes of your father when he was OK, that he has not contact with them.
DG

Thank you to all posters for your sensible advice and thoughts.
We think getting a solicitors letter will be the best course of action but fear the repercussions for my mother and myself. The last thing we need is a court case as could not afford it and the stress would be detrimental to my health.

I don't know if Dad wants to see them - he has no capacity as regards this decision but his behaviour after such visits speaks volumes as he is usually very placid and gentle. Before his illness he always came from such visits in a foul mood and dreaded seeing them:eek::eek::eek: I suppose I don't want to act heavy handed

Hard_Up_Hester

Molly, I'd be heavy handed, lol.
As the others have suggested, inform the care home not to admit them as their visits are detrimental to your fathers health.
If they contact you by phone say 'I'm not prepared to discuss this' & put the phone down. If they visit you at home, don't admit them. Call barring is a good idea to save you & Mum some grief.
A solicitors letter, warning them off should help but may just fan the flames, but either way it's worth doing & get the solicitor to add that you & Mum aren't to be contacted directly.
As Elaine say's 'Big Girls Knickers on' I know it's hard for you & upsetting but you do have the care home on your side, so it's obvious you are doing the best for your Dad.
Lots of hugs Molly I so wish I could be by your side to offer some extra strength.
Hester

duchy

Molly what do you think they would take you to court for ?

They don't have a legal right to see him so why would they go to court ?
They might send a solicitors letter to you demanding that they can see him but a solicitor is just someone with a big of legal training - Only a judge can force you -and only if there is a legal right- which there isn't.

You have documentation saying that their visiting is detrimental to him - that's the end of it. They are told to stay away in a firm letter from yourself and the reason why. Don't pay for a solicitor's letter -spend that money on a nice meal instead or some treats for Dad !

CRANKY40

What I would do though is ensure there is a paper trail of decision making. Get the head of the best interests meeting to put the concerns to you in writing and then respond in writing with your decision. That way if the sisters decide to take it further there is clear evidence available to prove that their visits were detrimental to your father's well being.

Errata

You have full POA. You decide what's best for your dad. If that means instructing the care home to refuse admittance to the sisters then do it verbally and in writing.
It would also be sensible to ask for a copy of the notes of the meeting; if no notes were taken, write to the care home saying 'at the recent meeting you said the sisters visits were detrimental to dad's welfare and health and that their behaviour was inappropriate. Please write to me confirming my understanding of what took place, or if I'm mistaken please write to me and tell me what I've misunderstood'.
You don't need legal advice or a solicitors letter, but if that would set your mind at rest about the above then that's your choice.
The sisters don't have a leg to stand on as far as I can see, but a solicitor may be happy to take instruction from them at significant cost to them.
If you have concerns you can speak to Action on Elder Abuse http://www.elderabuse.org.uk/contactus.html and ask them for their guidance on this matter. If you believe the sisters will verbally abuse your mother you can discuss that with AEA as well.
Just remember that you have total POA and in the law's eyes you ARE your dad and your wishes have primacy. You may have to be heavy handed about this issue, your dad has placed his utmost trust in you to do what will be benefit him.

Molly41

CRANKY40 wrote: »

What I would do though is ensure there is a paper trail of decision making. Get the head of the best interests meeting to put the concerns to you in writing and then respond in writing with your decision. That way if the sisters decide to take it further there is clear evidence available to prove that their visits were detrimental to your father's well being.

There will be a paper trail as it was minuted at the meeting yesterday. I then re-iterated that it be included in the minutes which we will have a copy of.

Thanks for all your responses - it has reinforced what I already thought .