Difficult situation with Dad's extended family

Mojisola

Molly41 wrote: »

I don't know if Dad wants to see them - he has no capacity as regards this decision but his behaviour after such visits speaks volumes as he is usually very placid and gentle.

Before his illness he always came from such visits in a foul mood and dreaded seeing them:eek::eek::eek: I suppose I don't want to act heavy handed

You have POA because your Dad can't make his own decisions so you don't have to know 'what he wants now' but you do need to act on the advice from the manager that the sisters' visits are detrimental to his well-being.

It's hard to stand up against trouble-makers like these relatives but be assured that you are doing what's right for your Dad. Try to develop a thick skin because they'll paint you to anyone who will listen as an evil so-and-so who has stopped them visiting their brother.

System

Molly your Dad might not have the mental capacity to verbalize what he wants now but you know what he wanted before and that was not to see his siblings.

Your protecting him by putting your foot down.

Errata

Molly41 wrote: »

There will be a paper trail as it was minuted at the meeting yesterday. I then re-iterated that it be included in the minutes which we will have a copy of.

Thanks for all your responses - it has reinforced what I already thought .

That's good, tell the sisters to jog on.

securityguy

You have a health and welfare PoA, so unless your decision making is manifestly unreasonable such that the court of protection would remove the PoA, his sisters have no case.

You have advice from a professional that they are causing problems, so almost by definition your decision making cannot possibly be unreasonable. You have been given advice. You have taken it.

There is no imaginable court case they could make. The care home is private property and can refuse admission to whomsoever it chooses. They are advising that they don't want the sisters on their premises. You are agreeing. That's the end of it. If they were stupid enough to waste their money on getting a solicitor to write to you (as I often say, there is no such thing as a solicitor's letter, there is just a letter than happens to be written by a solicitor: it has no legal standing) you would simply throw it away. In the very, very unlikely event of their being able to find a court and an argument to get you there, that would be a bridge to cross when it arose. But when you make a decision using a Health and Welfare PoA you are speaking as though your were your father, and he is perfectly entitled to not see his sisters.

gettingtheresometime

Just acting as Devil's Advocate here,but how are visitors monitiored?

I know at the nursing home that my Aunt is in you have to buzz at the door ......but we've never been asked who we are, just who we've come to see ....and then sign in under no supervision at all.

Molly41

There is a high level of security and the sisters are monitored in that they are only allowed in a communal area and staff "pass" by frequently to monitor the visits. They are not encouraged to go into his bedroom although the sisters have decorated it for him with stuff that means nothing to him:(

My eldest aunt buys Dad clothes, even though I have bought him a whole new wardrobe of easy to wash but smart clothes - which reflects Dad personality. She is always trying to take my Mums place.

They are intimidated by my eldest aunt, in particular, and have had to ring the manager on several occasions so that he can tell her that she may not do what she wants to do. She threatened him with court too:eek:

System

Molly its not your Aunts place to decorate your Dads room or buy him clothing. That job belongs to his wife and children..... but I guess you don't need me to tell you that.

securityguy

Molly41 wrote: »

They are intimidated by my eldest aunt, in particular, and have had to ring the manager on several occasions so that he can tell her that she may not do what she wants to do. She threatened him with court too:eek:

Thinking about it, the only person in this your aunt has any power to drag to court is the public guardian. When you use your PoA you are speaking as your father. The point about health and welfare PoAs is that they allow you to make decisions on behalf of the donor that you could not make simply as a next of kin. Most importantly, you can override medical advice.

So for example you can insist on a DNR notice over medical advice, just as you can insist on a DNR notice for yourself.

It's only if your decision making is manifestly irrational (effectively, would result in your being sectioned were you acting for yourself) that a problem arises, and the route for that is that someone with concerns approaches the OPG.

Your aunt cannot take you to court personally for decisions you make on your father's behalf, unless she could take her brother to court for the same thing. That's the point about PoAs: anything the donor can do, you can do. If she has grounds to believe your decision making is irrational, unreasonable or dishonest, she can go to the OPG and attempt to have you removed as attorney. That's all she can do. She will, in this situation, lose.

gettingtheresometime

Molly41 wrote: »

My eldest aunt buys Dad clothes, even though I have bought him a whole new wardrobe of easy to wash but smart clothes - which reflects Dad personality. She is always trying to take my Mums place.

For me this would be equally distressing.

Molly you need to nip this in the bud (even though it sounds like its bloomed!) because when the inevitable happens the last thing you need is her antics

PrettyKittyKat

I haven't read all the replies so I apologise if The below has already been said.

Yourself and your Mother are clearly caring family members that have only your fathers best interests at heart. You have been clearly told his sisters visits cause him huge distress by professionals, do not feel guilty acting upon this.

You said his sisters had limited contact with him before... Why the sudden huge interest and overbearing behaviour? Are they trying to 'prove' themselves in the hope of inheritance!? (I hope you don't feel that is an insensitive comment but you often hear of family members suddenly becoming interested when someone becomes ill, as you say your father is, and these women do not sound like they have great morals!)

Finally... It may cause a rift banning them from contact... But does this really matter? Do you want them in your life in the future?