Difficult situation with Dad's extended family

Molly41

Wondered if I could ask for the thought of MSE

I must state we are going to seek legal advice.

My father is 80 years old and currently lives in a care home. He suffers from several life threatening conditions - he could drop dead any minute - literally he becomes very ill very quickly. Amongst these are epilepsy, COPD (end stage) and has no balance so falls.

He also has vascular dementia, which very sadly has left him without capacity to make decisions which are in his best interests. I have Power of Attorney for finances and health and welfare.

He has 3 sisters with whom he has always had a difficult relationship. There was minimal contact prior to his illness - his decision - although they thought it was my mum stopping him.

They are very dysfunctional, particularly the eldest one (79 years) who acts like his wife when she is with him and has made a lot of slanderous allegations against my mother and I over my father's welfare. We have kept a dignified silence - actually we are very frightened of her as she is pretty vindictive - but she has made these allegations to the care home too. The three sisters conspire amongst themselves and this includes excluding my mother and I in conversations etc.

At a Best Interests meeting today this issue was bought up by the manager of the care home. He stated that his eldest sister acted inappropriately with my father, so much so the care staff would not leave hem alone - not sexual or anything but inappropriately close - and that all of the sisters wound my father up and he became very agitated and aggressive after their visits, which are fairly regular. The manager stated that it was not in Dad's best interests to have contact.

We now have to seek legal advice (expensive) as Social Services state that it is out of their remit and we are the decision makers as we hold POA.

I wonder if there is a compromise as not allowing them contact with my father will create an almighty row which will probably go to court etc etc

How do I handle this? Is there a solution? Do they do supervised access for older people (the care home are not happy for this to continue on their premises as it is detrimental for my father).

Thank you in anticipation of any helpful comments or advice or similar experiences.

Errata

You can tell the care home not to admit any of the sisters. They could go to court - but what grounds would they use?

candlelight_2013

Good gracious Molly haven't you got enough to cope with at the moment.

I don't think the care home should admit them, particularly as your Dad is so ill and they know how to wind him up. What could they do anyway? It can't be good for your Dad to become so agitated, and it must take the staff a while to settle him down afterwards

I appreciate you and Mum will take the flack (which you can do without) but it has to be you and Mum who make the decision for your Dad's sake.

Candlelightx

dandy-candy

Oh dear Molly I'm so sorry you are going through this.
Is your dad well enough for you to ask him what he wants to do about the situation?
I think only you and your mum are technically the next of kin, so you can tell the home not to admit them anymore; however would your dad miss their visits?

Brighton_belle

Molly41 wrote: »

He has 3 sisters with whom he has always had a difficult relationship. There was minimal contact prior to his illness - his decision .


At a Best Interests meeting today he stated that... all of the sisters wound my father up and he became very agitated and aggressive after their visits, which are fairly regular.
.

dandy-candy wrote: »

however would your dad miss their visits?

I wouldn't have thought so in the slightest - when he was well enough to make his own choices he chose minimal contact - it's probably highly distressing now for him to be forced to endure their company.


So sorry you are having to go through this Molly -I Hope you can find a way of having them banned from the home.

lilmissreading

Oh Molly - poor you and your parents.

I am not clear on what you or your family can do. If it was your family home it would be simple(ish) to refuse access as it is your property.

I would have thought that the care home needs to enforce any decision made - at least you are all in agreement that these visits should not be continued. Only they can ban access. I'm surprised they don't have a way to manage this.

I imagine this is why social services say it is not in their remit - what would they do? Come to the care home each time the sisters arrive? Ditto can't see what the police would do? Can't be arrested for trespassing on care home grounds I assume and again that would be the care home's issue.

Would your father's GP be worth contacting? Depends on quality and knowledge of GP of both your father and his health.

Would the local older adults CMHT be able to advise? They are often experienced in working with older people with cognitive problems like dementia and it's likely they will hve come across this before. You could go down the route of discussing his issue in the context of a possible referral for behaviour management support. Again this will depend on the accessability and quality of the local team. GP may be able to help here too if you're lucky in terms of gaining access.

Age concern or the alzheimer's scoiety might have some ideas?

All the best to you and yours. Your dad is lucky to have you

Better_Days

I agree with lilmissreading common sense suggestions.

If you have POA I'm not sure why you need legal advice.

Would it not be possible to instruct the care home not to admit the sisters? If the sisters attempt to insist then I would expect the care home to ring the police. Wouldn't it be like someone you don't want to trying to force their way into your home? And as has been pointed out - surely the care home have proceedures to deal with situations like this.

If the sisters are unhappy with this course of action then wouldn't they have to seek legal advice?

Sorry you are having such a tough time when your Dad is so poorly.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

If you have documentation to show the care home themselves expressed concern, I see no reason why you shouldn't instruct them in writing that, due to this, his siblings are not to be permitted entry.

That way, if they do try and drag it through the courts, there's an obvious source of evidence to demonstrate why the decision has been made.

camelot1001

Molly, what a dreadful situation for you and your Mum.

I would leave it to the care home to deal with in the first instance as they have highlighted the situation. They surely have the power to refuse entry to the sisters, if this causes a problem there should be some sort of reporting to another agency?

Take care. XX

Mojisola

Molly41 wrote: »

At a Best Interests meeting today this issue was bought up by the manager of the care home. He stated that his eldest sister acted inappropriately with my father, so much so the care staff would not leave hem alone - not sexual or anything but inappropriately close - and that all of the sisters wound my father up and he became very agitated and aggressive after their visits, which are fairly regular. The manager stated that it was not in Dad's best interests to have contact.

We now have to seek legal advice (expensive) as Social Services state that it is out of their remit and we are the decision makers as we hold POA.

Why are you paying for legal advice?

You have POA and have to act in your father's best interests. The care home has told you that their visits are adversely affecting your father. Just one solution - tell the home not to allow them in.

hardpressed

Surely if you have POA for him that gives you the authority to act on his behalf ,so you should be able to tell the care home that they are not to allow these sisters to visit him as they clearly upset him when they do. If the sisters choose to go to court over it you know that the home are concerned about them upsetting him so that should help.