Working from home and relationships

Mr_Toad

Edwardia wrote: »

If he was fine before, coming home to a pile of washing up and me sitting surrounded by paper, typing away, humming then what's wrong with me doing it now ?

Perception.

He comes in to find you working and the washing up not done, it's easy to think that you've been typing away all day. And that's alright.

I don't know how you work or arrange your day but for the sake of this thread let's suppose you spend periods of time typing but in between you have to spend time thinking, ordering your thoughts and ideas, researching etc. and you do this while while sitting on the sofa or whatever you are doing.

I think he sees this and perhaps doesn't see it as part of the work process so starts to think "If she isn't actually working why doesn't she wash the pots or do whatever instead of wandering about?" hence the grumps.

Just a thought.

quidsy

fabforty wrote: »

I see it differently to other posters.

I don't think that the problem is landlines being unplugged or whatever. The problem seems to be that as a grown woman you are being treated like a child. You say your husband didn't want you to work outside of the home when you were married so you became a stay at home wife, but what did you want to do?
You were able to study and work from home, but not work outside of the home, that seems strange to me especially when there are no children involved (you put SAHW not SAHM, I assume there are none). You don't work for your husband, so TBH he has no right to be annoyed because you are not working when he thinks you should be and vice versa. It seems odd that he would be chasing you up on your work, much like a parent would do with their child's homework. That is between you and the people that you work for.
Perhaps I am overthinking it, but it sounds as if there are deeper issues involved. If so, you would be better off working on those first. The rest might then resolve themselves.

This.

Doesn't want you to work outside the house. Now wants to control when and how hard you do work at home. My internal alarm would be clanging so loud.

Take back control of your own life, work where, when and how hard you want. If he has a problem with that, then you have a bigger problem to deal with.

Good luck

FBaby

shegirl - yes I think you have a valid point but I've been doing this longer than he has and he didn't have a problem with me working in evenings before.

Maybe he did have a problem with it, but let it go then, or at the time, he didn't feel he needed your presence and attention in the evenings. I agree with shegirl, it sounds to me that his train of thoughts is that you have all day to do that work, so what do you do during the day on your own that is more important than making sure you are done with it in the evenings so that you can spend time together?

My OH and I have a routine that 'our' time is from 8pm when we sit in front of the TV. We rarely watch it, it is our time to listen and talk. It was never said as such, we just fell in this routine. Sometimes, he has to work in the evening, if he has something important to finish for the following day, but when that happens, he always make a point to say to me that morning or at least when he comes home that he will have to work that evening, but that he will make sure that he will get to sit with me for a few minutes before going to bed.

I'm not that bothered really as it is not often, but if 3 or 4 times a week, he was on his computer working, either sitting next to me, or away in his study, yes, it would annoy me.

As for your mother, how about sending her a text when you get going if you haven't talk to her yet to say you are setting yourself to work until x hour and she can call you after that if she wants to talk.

onlyroz

I do think it would help if you had set areas of the house where you work. And if you don't want to set designated hours of the day when you*are* working then why not do the opposite and set designated hours when you are *not* working. E.g. You won't work after 8pm or whatever, and let your mum know that too to give her guidance over when she can call.

lostinrates

onlyroz wrote: »

I do think it would help if you had set areas of the house where you work. And if you don't want to set designated hours of the day when you*are* working then why not do the opposite and set designated hours when you are *not* working. E.g. You won't work after 8pm or whatever, and let your mum know that too to give her guidance over when she can call.

This is a good way to look at it. DH works 24/7 and our life fits round that. Where we live we have a micro business where technically I am also on call twenty four seven four emergencies, and most wanted at weekends, we have made adaptations and lost a couple of clients so that our market is restricted but weekends are less impinged.

Writing to schedule may feel limiting, but approached the other way may get over the hump of that at first. You already write to deadlines of course, many writers do exactly the same writing round school pickups and very high work loads effectively scheduling work. Authors likewise often have scheduled hours to write, so your creative process is not necessarily 'the' creative process, which is fine, but its also fair that others might feel .... ' well famous author/ journalist says s/he doesn't work that way and feel you are being contrary or evasive or difficult or less organise in your mode of work and feel either hard done by, put upon, or feel they could help you with this advice. That doesn't make them awful if its the case. Just not seeing things as you are yet.

pickledonionspaceraider

fabforty wrote: »

I see it differently to other posters.

I don't think that the problem is landlines being unplugged or whatever. The problem seems to be that as a grown woman you are being treated like a child. You say your husband didn't want you to work outside of the home when you were married so you became a stay at home wife, but what did you want to do?
You were able to study and work from home, but not work outside of the home, that seems strange to me especially when there are no children involved (you put SAHW not SAHM, I assume there are none). You don't work for your husband, so TBH he has no right to be annoyed because you are not working when he thinks you should be and vice versa. It seems odd that he would be chasing you up on your work, much like a parent would do with their child's homework. That is between you and the people that you work for.
Perhaps I am overthinking it, but it sounds as if there are deeper issues involved. If so, you would be better off working on those first. The rest might then resolve themselves.

I agree with this. I would be telling my husband to butt out if he spoke to me like i was a child

Edwardia

Attempted to have convo with OH about working from home. He said: " It's not a problem as long as you leave me alone " :mad:

I pointed out that he was always interrupting me and he retorted: " Well I won't be with this fckg lot to sort out !". (Anyone know where I can buy an adult-sized Superman tshirt ?)

I reminded him of the deal about investing in his career first and then whatever I wanted to do and he nodded. I pointed out that having an award-winning editor DM me on Twitter and ask me to write for her, was a stroke of luck. I reiterated that I'd identified a route to getting where I want to go, that I have the support of the editor and that he'd told me he was all for it.

I told him that I don't want to be nose to grindstone 12 hrs a day 7 days a week writing about things I'm not interested in, to make money. I told him that it would be nice to be able to buy clothes with my own money though and not feel I was spending too much or to take him away for a weekend. He laughed

I told him: " You're not taking this seriously, are you ". He scowled and said: " Yes!" Then he paused and added: " I'm not stopping you". I'd like to see him try :rotfl: but I don't think he means it to sound quite that controlling, but nope it's not exactly supportive

My editor doesn't normally work weekends but I had suggested pitching the piece I start work on this week to a bigger magazine. Turns out she has contacts there and she emailed me today and said it was a great idea.

So I'm feeling a tad under pressure to write something fab especially as I got my interviewee's own staff via Twitter and email into nagging him to give me an interview He was charming about it though, we had a great time doing it IMO and he thanked me and said it was a pleasure.

I feel like if this happens then OH has got no option but to recognise that I have talent and can produce something good.

I am feeling that both husband and mother are too used to me taking care of them, giving them my attention and don't like the idea of having less of it.

I'd be nutz not to do this though. I don't intend to give it up.

theoretica

Edwardia wrote: »

I walked into his study once and he said: " I'm not here " so I stay out of it.

Sounds a good direct line - and one you could try on him!

Bennifred

Sounds like you need to flex your "assertve" muscle, Edwardia! You and your needs/wants are just as important as anyone else's, regardless of how things were in the past.

caeler

As others have said you need to have an open conversation and set some ground rules - with your family!! I wfh and I tend to work regular hours but I don't always work in my study - sometimes I need a change of scenery or prefer the sofa when I'm making dozens of calls. Sometimes I don't feel like working (that happens to the best of us!) so I have a walk around the garden in the hope it energises me a bit. My family initially started calling during the daytime and whilst sometimes it was a nice distraction most of the time I was really busy or on the phone to somebody else and just picked up to stop it ringing! They got the gist. Basically when I'm wfh, its like I'm not at home. My study is not at home, it is somewhere else but when I come out, then I'm at home. Does that make any sense?! Of course I live alone so I don't have quite as many restrictions.


I do wonder if this is the common 'my work is more important/harder/stressful, etc than yours' syndrome. I experienced this with many ex's. It can be tough and I just don't think they realise the impact. I also don't think it is anything to do with the work you are doing (sounds exciting by the way) I think it comes down to a lack of self awareness of their part and a lack of empathy. Good luck - you'll get there.