Working from home and relationships

Mr_Toad

I worked from home for over 20 years and it's about setting ground rules. To be honest for me the rule was if I'm in the study then I'm working and not to be disturbed. It worked like a charm.

I can see that if you're wandering about working in different rooms and not sticking to what people consider office hours then you're sending out confusing signals which means it's difficult for people to know whether or not you can be disturbed.

If you're on the sofa with the laptop how do they know if your working or playing Candy Crush?

Turn off the ringer on the land line, as suggested, when you're working and tell your mother in no uncertain terms that work is work and being at home doesn't change that.

Home working was one of the best things that my company ever did but it does require discipline and isn't for everyone.

You also need to have a chat with the OH and explain that your routine is different from his and where it can't be helped he needs to get used to it.

fabforty

I see it differently to other posters.

I don't think that the problem is landlines being unplugged or whatever. The problem seems to be that as a grown woman you are being treated like a child. You say your husband didn't want you to work outside of the home when you were married so you became a stay at home wife, but what did you want to do?
You were able to study and work from home, but not work outside of the home, that seems strange to me especially when there are no children involved (you put SAHW not SAHM, I assume there are none). You don't work for your husband, so TBH he has no right to be annoyed because you are not working when he thinks you should be and vice versa. It seems odd that he would be chasing you up on your work, much like a parent would do with their child's homework. That is between you and the people that you work for.
Perhaps I am overthinking it, but it sounds as if there are deeper issues involved. If so, you would be better off working on those first. The rest might then resolve themselves.

trailingspouse

It sounds to me that you and your work are not being taken seriously. The people around you have become used to you being at their beck and call, and now that you're not they are struggling to adjust. I also feel that maybe your OH doesn't trust you to just get on with the job - why else would he be checking on you?

You have to use the 'broken record' technique - keep telling them that you are working and mustn't be disturbed. Working, don't want to be disturbed. Working, don't want to be disturbed. Keep calm and keep saying it.

It might help to give your OH some sort of finishing time - I'm going to work on this for two hours then I'll do xyz.

The most important thing is that you take yourself and your new job seriously and show them that you expect them to do the same.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

I'd be looking at whether there's a local nice coffee shop that is used during the week as a workspace hub.

Go there, plug in the lappy, order a posh coffee, plug in some noise cancelling headphones and enjoy working unsupervised.



If your DH has a problem with this idea, I'd be listening to the warning bells.

Edwardia

Thank you all for taking the time to respond. You are raising things which I hadn't even thought about. Soo..

Cafes are great for peoplewatching and research. Too noisy for me to do actual writing in, I think. I'm doing non-fiction and for me that takes more concentration than just letting words flow out of brain. There is a library with facilities for laptops and a cafe, which is fairly quiet. I could use that as a er retreat

trailingspouse - yes I agree that they are struggling to adjust. In my mother's case, yes she obviously took it for granted that she could call whenever she wanted and change day of her/my visit at drop of a hat. Maybe I need to growl more..

With OH he's settling into new job and while he has been out on the road before, he's used to having an office as a base and a team of people working for him - he has got a small team but he won't meet with them here.

Maybe him wandering into the room asking me if I want tea and have I finished X yet is working from home banter to him sort of watercooler moments and he doesn't see it as irritating checking up stuff ??

I walked into his study once and he said: " I'm not here " so I stay out of it.

If the phone rings he wants to know who it was and if there's a knock at the door or a flyer through the letterbox he's down in the hall like a shot.

fabforty when OH bought the house I was the one doing most of the DIY and project managing electricians etc. Hand-stripping twelve layers of wallpaper off 8ft high horsehair plaster walls is hard work.

We agreed that we would fork out for courses etc to get OH up career ladder then it would be my turn. He now has postgrad, letters after his name and is a manager. We're no longer eating soya mince and value burgers and I get a weekly allowance of £80pw for me and £110pw for food, loo rolls whatever.

The opportunity kinda fell into my lap and I'm lucky. I wanted to get the house finished, which it isn't. I just want to be more financially independent really, I didn't have any grand plan.

Edwardia

Mr Toad er I don't play Candy Crush but yes I can see that it might be confusing if I'm on the sofa and he can hear music, but really he only has to ask.

If he was fine before, coming home to a pile of washing up and me sitting surrounded by paper, typing away, humming then what's wrong with me doing it now ?

I'm coming to the conclusion that they don't understand the writing process in the first place and I'm not sure I can really explain it

I do feel that with OH he's coming into my space and he needs to respect how I work. With my mother I think it's just er wilful ignorance that she doesn't want to come second. She was spoiled when my father was alive and after he died prematurely of cancer she was left financially secure and she does do the lunching thang.
But I don't like to disappoint her - she's my mother however irritating.

duchy

I've worked at home for seven years.
You simply have to retrain friends and family that you are not available during your working hours.

It is far healthier mentally and for family if you can set a schedule when you are working and when you are "off" and available. Again the set workspace (at least when your OH is home) that if you are in your study you are in work mode and a closed door means you are "not there" too. Hard if you feel you should have more flexibility to be creative- but most really successful creative people *do* work to a schedule and have start and stop times- even if some days they end up producing nothing worthwile but other days the creative juices will flow.

You can unplug the landline so it doesn't ring and let vm pick up all the calls-your Mum will soon realize it doesn't ring but goes straight to vm when you are working.

Is your writing not bringing in an income-yet- that you need an allowance or do you both have income and a common pot. It sounds very odd in this day and age that a woman would get an allowance from her husband - but maybe it's just in the wording ?

Edwardia

I'm used to having the house to myself Monday to Friday until at least 6pm and I've done the most work on it. I do have a study and although it's restful I don't really like working in it. Maybe it's too restful ?

It's only been a month so far, I'm hoping he will get into a routine. He's probably going to be visiting clients and troubleshooting probs three days a week mayb more.

I was made redundant shortly before we moved in together. It was my money which paid for deposit, first month's rent, white goods and so forth. When we were struggling I cashed in some investments nd again to do stuff to the house. I don't have any investments left.

Well OH calls them household expenses and fritter money. I spend some and save some. I'm not earning much yet, I'm new at this kind of writing.

I don't think there's a right or wrong way to work when it comes to writing. As long as I meet deadlines, do the best I can and make editor happy I'm doing OK IMO.

I often have to work around ppl and if the head honcho who has agreed to an interview needs to move it because he's going to be in New York then I accommodate that.

I can have it planned in my head to allow myself x time to do y and then a and then people have to postpone.

If I have interview dates they go up on the kitchen calendar so OH knows abt them and I remind him. He tells me where he will be too.

Mr_Toad

Edwardia wrote: »

Mr Toad er I don't play Candy Crush but yes I can see that it might be confusing if I'm on the sofa and he can hear music, but really he only has to ask.

If he was fine before, coming home to a pile of washing up and me sitting surrounded by paper, typing away, humming then what's wrong with me doing it now ?

I'm coming to the conclusion that they don't understand the writing process in the first place and I'm not sure I can really explain it

I do feel that with OH he's coming into my space and he needs to respect how I work. With my mother I think it's just er wilful ignorance that she doesn't want to come second. She was spoiled when my father was alive and after he died prematurely of cancer she was left financially secure and she does do the lunching thang.
But I don't like to disappoint her - she's my mother however irritating.

I think you, your OH and your mother are still in the settling in period and that things will settle and find a level you can all live with.

You mention in another post the OH will dash to the door if a flyer or post arrives. He couldn't do that when he was at the office and he'll grow out of that when he realises that 99% of the time it's nothing that can't wait. Likewise with the phone. He'll also grow accustomed to the way you work too.

Give it more time.

duchy

It does sound like a territory issue a bit.
You are used to having the house to yourself Monday to Friday-and have built your own routines . He's messing those up !

He also is trying to adjust to sharing his territory with someone working in a different style and with different goals-whereas before as you say he had a team with the same goals around him.

It will get easier (my OH works elsewhere but works a wide variety of shifts and certain shifts do annoy me as I need to change the way I do things when he is around- there are times it gets annoying but we've worked our way through it and it mostly works although I do have the occasional seethe but it's really part of the price you pay for the vast advantages of working from home,