Grown up kids and contributing to household budget

Poppy9

Trollydolly

I can't believe that you had to buy your own school uniform that seems a bit harsh.

Personally I buy all essential school stuff, clothes, shoes etc. for my daughter I wouldn't dream of using her money for this stuff. My MIL once made a big thing of giving my daughter when she was about 7 the money for the new shoes we had just bought her (£35). There was no way I could then take that money off her as we were responsible for essentials. We let her keep the money to buy some party shoes and save some.

Trollydolly_2

Poppy9 wrote:

Trollydolly

I can't believe that you had to buy your own school uniform that seems a bit harsh.

Personally I buy all essential school stuff, clothes, shoes etc. for my daughter I wouldn't dream of using her money for this stuff. My MIL once made a big thing of giving my daughter when she was about 7 the money for the new shoes we had just bought her (£35). There was no way I could then take that money off her as we were responsible for essentials. We let her keep the money to buy some party shoes and save some.

Sorry i made that sound worse than it was, Mum used to buy me uniform from the second hand stall at school or from the local car boot sale. This stuff was always "old fashioned" and embaressing and i would have the micky taken out of me in school. Especially for shoes for some reason??

Mum couldnt afford to buy the new trendy stuff so i used to save up for it out of my pocket money. I soon learnt to save up during summer hols (ice cream money etc) before the term started in september and then i would have the same as everyone else.

I also looked after it better because i had paid for it!

Im grateful to my mum and dad for the way i lived, i only wish id understood at that age that it was good for me!

TD xx

margaretclare

hermit-crab wrote:

Perhaps I'm showing my age here;

In my day, if one lived at home, the entire wage packet was handed over to the head of the house-hold (in our case, Mother).

She then gave back what she felt was our due. We never argued, just accepted and felt grateful.

Sounds like you're the same generation as me, hermit-crab, although I would never use the phrase 'in my day'. This is STILL my day, I'm still alive, still here, still kicking, haven't opted out of anything!!

See my post in which I described what we did - my husband in his first week as an engineering apprentice, earning seven and threequarters pennies an hour for 42 hours and handing the unopened packet to his Mum!

Aunty Margaret

elona

Lilaclillie

Have you considered discussing with OH (when you can be accidentally overheard) selling present property and moving into smaller place - no room for son but after all he will be 28 and self sufficient!

It may give him a wake up call and help him realise the "gravy train has stopped running".

Pennywise

My other half earned just £32 per week in his first job 20 years ago. He gave half to his mother. He also bought his own clothes, paid for his own study books etc. As years passed and he worked up the earnings ladder, he paid more, but not the near 50% from the first pay packet. Eventually once fully qualified, he paid around £50 per week, around 15 years ago, when his wage was nearer £200 per week.

Bargain_Rzl

LilacLillie,

I'm about your son's age and can add to this thread from various perspectives.

I left home to go to uni at 18, prior to that I was never asked for any contribution to the household (nor when I was at home in uni holidays), but I also didn't get any pocket money worth mentioning (£2 a week or something - a relic of many years earlier - plus dinner money and a small clothes allowance). From 12 to 18 I had done a paper round and babysitting, bringing in between £10 and £50 a week, which paid for anything I needed or wanted.

When I was still financially dependent on my parents (i.e. until leaving university) I made a point of never asking them for extra money and in hindsight I now wish I had, given that my siblings had no such qualms and got things like school trips abroad, extra student allowance etc. when I did not, because I had not wanted to ask. Having said that, when I was 16 something came up suddenly (a cheap holiday with friends) and I DID ask and I DID get.

I have not lived with either parent since 1 month after graduation, however if I did, I would expect to pay the full going rate for rent, plus contributing to groceries. Both me and my sister earn more than my mum, so it would be unfair to do anything else (though I do get frustrated with my mum sometimes - she thinks that because I have more disposable income I shouldn't be complaining about not being able to afford things, but last time she tried that one I pointed out that she has a house with a tiny mortgage and loads of equity, and I haven't!)

I am currently in the very fortunate position of living with a friend who does not need rental income from me. He is 48... and because he lived with his mum and dad until they died (both within the last 10 years), he's now in the cushy position of owning the house outright as an inheritance. I have been lodging there for three years, and have frequently offered to pay proper rent but he refuses. (I pay a half share of all household bills and council tax, one third of any appliances that need replacing - on the grounds that we both use them, but one day I'll move out and he'll still have them - and I buy all my own food, in fact I often cook for him too. I make a point of ensuring that the amount that goes in my savings account each month is at least equivalent to what I would be paying if I had to (or just wanted to) move out. At the mo I know that if our situation changed I could afford a bedsit in fairly central London, or a small 1-bed flat in the area I am in at the moment. The longer it is possible to stay put, the more chance I have of building up a realistic deposit in the hope of buying rather than renting that 1-bed flat, but I am constantly on the lookout for signs that I might be outstaying my welcome, as this is a friendship I would not want to jeopardise.

Now, back to your original problem. I have another friend - ex-housemate in fact - whose mum didn't let him live with her rent-free - she PAID HIS RENT. She was like you - she felt gullible and taken for granted but she couldn't bring herself to admit that he should be standing on his own two feet. Admittedly he is an impoverished musician, with only a part-time low-wage job to bring in a regular income, but he's 31! I think she's stopped now, but she still pays for him and his grilfriend to go on holiday.

I have always been of the belief that if you choose to follow your dreams then you have to accept responsibility for the financial problems this may cause you. I considered becoming a professional musician myself but preferred the security of a more conventional day-job, with my musical activities filling in the gaps. I have a lot of respect for people who choose less than conventional career paths, or who prefer only to work part time and enjoy more of their life, but your son is an adult and should be forced to think his lifestyle choices through in full. If he can be resourceful enough to work a 20-hour week and not starve, that's brilliant. But he cannot expect to be subsidised, by you or anybody else.