Grown up kids and contributing to household budget

margaretclare

LilacLillie wrote:

This is causing a lot of debate and tension in our household at the moment. Since I joined this site, I have been trying to "manage" money.
Our son is 27 this summer and has never left home (other than extended holidays, all at our expense), and hasn't ever really contributed to the home financially. He hasn't paid a penny in over a year and since joining here, I've told him that I'm going to backdate his rent at £5 a week, back to Jan 1st 2005. Needless to say he isn't talking to me because of it. He only works part time 20 hrs a week, any more would be to much for him (he's fit and able).
I buy all his clothes, toiletries, food, sky TV, well................everything basically. I've just paid for his latest holiday (in the past have always paid for his companion as well), now he's sulking that his new mate has to pay for his own flight and that's "Not right"!!!!!!
We are off to a big wedding in June, a castle in Cornwall and he has been searching for a new suit.........................for us to buy him (already paid for the hotel).
Writing this its hard to believe that we've put up with it for so long. Trouble is, I don't know how to stop it now after it going on so long, I don't know where the line should be drawn, giving that it should have been done many years ago.LL

Hi LL

Well, I can only give you my perspective from a different generation FWIW.

We were expected to pay for what was called 'our keep' from our very first day in the working world. In some cases kids left school at 15, came from school on a Friday, were in the factory on Monday and the end of that first working week, they were expected to contribute.

My husband became an engineering apprentice in January 1952 when he was just 17. He arrived home the first week with his pay-packet which he handed over to his Mum. She didn't know whether to laugh or cry. He had earned the princely sum of 7 3/4 old pennies per hour for 42 hours (yes, that's seven-and-threequarters old pennies an hour for 42 hours work) and he handed the unopened packet over to her. I did something similar - my very first job earned me a pound and a half for a full week, and I handed the lot over too. We were given back a small amount for pocket-money, the rest was our contribution to food, warmth, the roof over our head, our washing done, toiletries, those kind of things which until you leave home, you don't realise have to be bought by somebody.

This was realism. Your parents pay for everything as long as you're in full-time education, but once you start earning money of your own, you should contribute to the household budget. It's part of the education of living in the adult world rather than the world of childhood.

I would insist that anyone earning money should share the expenses. Probably it should be on a pro rata basis. You are not doing them

a favour by letting them go on as if they (the offspring) was still a toddler, sulking if they don't get the toy they want. Not what you want to hear! You ask how to stop it now you've let it go on. You are doing him no favours. Stop it NOW! Say firmly, and mean it: 'You're grown up now. What grown-ups do is to pay their way.'

I also don't understand why he can only work part-time - 'any more would be too much'. Why? You say he's fit and able. What sort of future is he planning for himself - on part-time work? The next thing will be, he'll be looking at what YOU have, all you've worked so hard for, and regarding it as his rightful inheritance.

I think this problem can be resolved without your 'kicking him out', but you have got to start now, you have to be firm, and you both have to speak with one voice and don't let him manipulate you no matter how much he sulks. Don't buy him a suit, don't pay for his mate, make it crystal clear that 'this is the start of the rest of your lives'!

Best wishes

Aunty Margaret

pandas66

LilacLillie wrote:

This is causing a lot of debate and tension in our household at the moment. Since I joined this site, I have been trying to "manage" money.
Our son is 27 this summer and has never left home (other than extended holidays, all at our expense), and hasn't ever really contributed to the home financially. He hasn't paid a penny in over a year and since joining here, I've told him that I'm going to backdate his rent at £5 a week, back to Jan 1st 2005. Needless to say he isn't talking to me because of it. He only works part time 20 hrs a week, any more would be to much for him (he's fit and able).
I buy all his clothes, toiletries, food, sky TV, well................everything basically. I've just paid for his latest holiday (in the past have always paid for his companion as well), now he's sulking that his new mate has to pay for his own flight and that's "Not right"!!!!!!
We are off to a big wedding in June, a castle in Cornwall and he has been searching for a new suit.........................for us to buy him (already paid for the hotel).
Writing this its hard to believe that we've put up with it for so long. Trouble is, I don't know how to stop it now after it going on so long, I don't know where the line should be drawn, giving that it should have been done many years ago.
Friends say "Chuck him out". I don't want that, but he thinks if we have it.........he's entitled to it!
I think we'd be well off if we were not supporting him. I am working out a budget, now, thanks to this board, and will show him what we actually have to pay out each month. Don't think he'll care much though. I only stopped paying his mobile phone bill (over £100 per month) 5 mths ago, its been cut off twice since then!
Reading through this I'm ashamed to post and am thinking again before pushing the button, but I really do need help.
I've heard all the " I wouldn't have it" and the like, but we are all to blame...........us for allowing it , and he for accepting it. Now I don't know how to change. I'm making small changes, like making him pay his own phone bill, but think I'm not clear about what we want/expect of him. I don't even know myself, except that it won't help him in the long run. Tried talking to him but he thinks we are being mean and unreasonable.
So I'd like some HELP as well please.
LL

STOP NOW at least I get child benefit from my young uns. I was reading the above posts and thought for the 1st paid job I would accept that as minimum, after that I would expect a percentage of income.

System

I just wanted to say, that by charging our offspring little or nothing for their board does us or them any favours in the long run.

I have been chief cook and bottle washer now since i had my first child who is now 24. My youngest is now 9, so i know ive got a few years left in me yet. However, i one day would like to think about me rather than cooking and cleaning for kids who are old enough and big enough to do for themselves.

I had a row with my daughter a few days ago over her attitude to me, and i was talking to MrJudi about it. At her age, i am thinking she ought to be looking a little further into the future, thinking about a career and planning for a home, but she is working under 25 hours a week at the moment, spends every penny she has, and on the third week of the month, is trying to borrow money from here there and everywhere because she has overspent and doesnt want to work more hours than the 25. At this rate i can still see her being with us at 30!!!! As much as i love her, i dont want that. Am i being mean?

SnowyOwl_2

LilacLillie wrote:

I feel as if we've made him a monster. I can't believe he likes it either, not really, but when we talk it ends up in terrible arguements.
LL

Hi LilacLillie - don't beat yourself up too much over your son, I am sure he is not a monster. It does sound to me however like you are somehow trapped in a "parent/child" relationship, ie you behave towards him and react to him as a parent while he behaves and reacts to you like a child. The balance of your relationship seems out of kilter - it's more appropriate that as he's 27 you put to one side that he's your son, but relate to him on an adult to adult basis. If he whines and whinges try to keep your cool and react and speak as an adult, calmly remind him that he is grown up and you would appreciate an adult conversation with him. It might take a bit of practice but the theory is that if you treat someone as an adult they will in due course start reacting as an adult.

One poster mentioned that he wouldn't be much of a breadwinner for a family of his own - I'm single and to be honest I wouldn't touch him with a 10 foot barge pole.

Regards the OP, it might be useful to sit down with your budget (but not including your income, just what gets spent on what) and discuss it with each of your kids. It's an important lesson which to my knowledge isn't part of the national curriculum. Maybe ask them to consider the facts and to work out out between them a realistic and fair method of paying into the household, and to be able to justify their decision (I hope that wouldn't end in tears though!).

margaretclare

Judi wrote:

I just wanted to say, that by charging our offspring little or nothing for their board does us or them any favours in the long run.

I have been chief cook and bottle washer now since i had my first child who is now 24. My youngest is now 9, so i know ive got a few years left in me yet. However, i one day would like to think about me rather than cooking and cleaning for kids who are old enough and big enough to do for themselves.

As much as i love her, i dont want that. Am i being mean?

No, you're not being mean, Judi, not at all! Your daughter is being mean to you!

This seems to be a modern problem - see my previous post to LL. Our parents didn't feel bad about taking our money, even when it was a tidgy amount because all we earned was a tidgy amount! We learned that 'nothing is for nothing' and we accepted it as being the way things were.

Why have things changed so badly? I'm the first to acknowledge that there was a lot that was wrong with that world - but some of the things lost were things that were of value.

Aunty Margaret

filigree_2

Dear lord, I've shared my home with the sort of adults who left home with no lifeskills and it's a nightmare. Speaking on behalf of your future daughters-in-law and sons-in-law, I beg anyone with teenagers to teach them how to do chores and manage their money.

I paid my Mum £20 a week in 1986! 20 years later I think any healthy adult with a job should be paying a darn sight more than that.

I agree with Poppy9 that you have to be cruel to be kind. As parents there lots of times you have to force your child to do things they don't like - bedtime, homework, going to the dentist - but you do it anyway because you know that it is good for them.

Lucie_2

I too had to contribute once I was earning & still living at home. During my A levels I had a weekend/evening job which paid for all my clothes, toiletries & nights out. I shared a car with my Mum & was expected to put fuel in it on a regular basis too.
During Uni I didn't get a grant but my Parents gave me £1,000 per term. I had an assortment of jobs to pay for everything else & didn't have to pay for my keep during the summer holidays (but I had to work full time).
As soon as I graduated & moved back home I had to pay £25 or £30 a week (can't remember it was 10 years ago!) for "bed & board" as my Dad calls it. I did get a job straight away though. Within 3 months of graduating I had moved out into a shared house & never been back since. (well, except to visit & rifle through the kitchen cupboards!)
I do think every earning adult should contribute; my cousin (age 24ish) still lives at home with her parents rent free & is never likely to leave at this rate!

Poppy9

I have just been thinking about whether it is parents fault if kids are useless with money. I am one of 4. All treated the same re pocket money, contributing to household (not just money but cooking, cleaning etc). I am good with money (one of my sisters would call me careful LOL), my brother is fantastic with money and loaded, one of my sisters spends what she has and what she doesn't but is generous to a fault. She never borrows and if either of us gets shopping for the other we always give willing as a gift. The other sister is horrendeous. Robbing Peter to pay Paul since the age of 16. She always worked but money burns a hole in her pocket and she is always broke. She would book a holiday with friends and pay the deposit. By the time the holiday came around my father had to bail her out. Caused arguments with my parents as my mother felt she was taking liberties. I will no longer lend her money nor will other family members - you have no chance of getting it back. She is now being treated badly by one of her children who is getting married and wants it all and my sister can't afford it all but won't say no.

Finally my mother was very proud that she brought her son up to cook and clean like the girls. He is blooming useless. His dog was sick on the carpet when his wife was away and he rang everyone he knew to come and clean it up. He used to pay me to iron his shirts:) My father asked him to put an egg on to boil for breakfast when he was visiting one day and the daft 35 year old man pulled out the grill tray . His wife does everything for him and is happy to do so as she doesn't need to work and he provides well.

Sadly it looks like some people are born as life's takers. We can try and change or train them but ultimately they have to find their own path.

I try and teach my daughter the value of money by making her buy things from her pocket money - that reminds me she owes me £4 for some Scoobies which she just had to have but only had 90p on her. Where's that money box :think:

pandas66

As a footnote to the above. I'm raising my boys to know how to look after themselves. They won't starve or live in filth. I am NOT raising male chauvenists. They know how to make a mess, then they better learn how to tidy a mess. My father is scottish (if its any relevance) and is the best ironer ever. He can cook better than Mum. So if he can my kids can. I wish to be thanked by my future DIL's

nearlyrich

I would be upset to think my children were not set on a career path at 27, my two both have an allowance,all college fees paid by me and a part time job so they don't get into overdrafts and credit card debt at college. They never ask for extra money, although they sometimes get it it is on my terms not because they think they are entitiled to it.

I have decided not to charge board on holiday earnings because I want them to take responsibility to save up and budget for next year. If either of them want to move back in after uni it will be on the basis of paying a reasonable amount of board and taking a share of the tasks involved in running a home.