Grown up kids and contributing to household budget

gravitytolls

I'm about to face this soon, as my eldest will be leaving school in a few weeks. If he decides to go for an apprenticeship, I guess I'll maybe ask for £25, assuming he's earning around £100.

And I daresay I'll still treat him to clothes and the odd mag/dvd or whatever.

But hollidays are his concern, unless he comes away with the rest of us - camping.
His phone and going out having fun are also his business.

Actually, I stoppped giving him pocket money last year, cos he wouldn't stop smoking. I still bought him mags and stuff and other little things he hankered for, to make up for it, but I refused to hand him cash to spend on killing himself slowly.

So he pretty much knows the score, and knows that I'll stick to whatever agreement we have, and will expec thim to too.

LL, you gotta tell your boy that whilst you love him and always will, you cannot afford to bail him out any more, and he has to pay for things he wants himself.

He may end up asking for subs - you need to refuse, and he may also end up owing money if he decides to go down the credit route. But again, youmustn't bail him out. Simply advise him how to sort it out himself.

The only way he can prepare for real life, is by you helping him to become independent. You will be doing him no favours by letting this situation continue.

Good luck pet.

Penny-Pincher!!

Hi LilacLillie

Im 30 and when I was working whilst at home, I had too give a third of my wages :eek:
Third for mother, third for saving & a third for spending :rolleyes:

Penny-Pincher!!

xxx

Savvy_Sue

Lilac Lillie, you and your DH need to agree what you want to achieve, and what you think is reasonable. Presenting a united front is essential. But you don't have to argue with him: you can leave the room, quietly and with dignity. If he starts an argument later, tell him you will listen to any reasoned arguments he has, but you will not listen to him shouting or argue about x, y and z, they are settled and final and if he doesn't like it he can move out. Then leave the room, quietly and with dignity. If he wishes to present a counter proposal to your budget, in writing, you will sit and look at it with him, but you will not argue with him about whether you or he is doing his laundry. If he doesn't like it, leave the room quietly and with dignity.

If necessary, reinforce what you have said in a letter. Assure your son of your love, but stress that what you are asking for is not unreasonable, and that he has a choice: pay up or move out. You could go for a gradual change, but tbh it may be faster in the long run just to take a hard line now!

Do you and DH have a good local pub to hide in?

I would revisit advice on handling a teenager: he sounds as if he is still behaving like one. Only worse! My eldest does his own laundry and pays for his own entertainment from his part-time job: he's 17 and doing A levels. My middle son pays for his own entertainment and even bought two dictionaries the other day because he couldn't find our old ones! He's 15 and does paper rounds. My youngest cuts the grass in summer, I pay him for that. He's 13, and I think he's the one I will struggle with most because he doesn't want to pay for his own entertainment and doesn't want to get a paper round either!

I don't know what I'll charge for their keep if they work full-time and stay at home, but I'm sure if I treat them mean enough they'll get out from under my feet.

Best of luck!

rammy007

when i first left school i was on a yts and earning just £25 because my mum had her family allowance stopped i gave her a fifth which was £5 i saved £10 and managed on just £10 a week (cycling to work)when i got more money i still gave my mum a fifth which i think is fair and went up or down depending on earnings at least this way however much you earnt you still paid the same proportion, kids need to realise that you have to pay your way and learn to budget, you do them no favours in the long run by not making them contribute, if someone was uneasy about taking board off their kids they could save it for them for a rainy day

System

Another thing i have had to do with my kids. Ive had a block put on the homephone so that they cant ring mobiles. I was paying an absolute fortune on bills that were three quarters mobile calls. On several occasions my daughter rang me if i was out, it was to ask what was for tea!!!

Then my son started using it to ring his mates mobiles. So now, daughter has to use her own mobile to ring me, and my son ...... well unless he gets a part time job to pay for his credit - he will have to settle for arranging to meet his mates after school.

Talk about taking the mickey??? My kids are experts at it!!!!

d.ylan

I received EMA while I was at college and contributed around half of this, and when I began full time work (I was on £10k) i contributed £50/w to cover food and rent.. of course at the time I thought this was madness, but I can honestly say it worked, when I moved out 3 years later I had a shock as to the cost of living, but previous experience had easily taught me to budget. The only debt I have is my mortgage, we're on a very tight budget, but a budget none the less and it works.

The only thing I would say is that you need to be STRICT about enforcing rent payment, my mother tried the same tactics with my younger sibling but with considerable lienency(sp), making excuses for his mobile bill and car and petrol all being 'deducted' from the amount he should be paying in rent because he was drinking most of us wages in the pub, he's now -£14k... not saying there's a direct link, but its just my opinion that a tighter reign might at a time when the parents had a bit more influence might have helped him judge his priorities. That being said, neither of us paid the rent money for the any weeks we were away (or half weeks) which was a small appreciated break in the break.

I didn't object to paying this money because I know my family needed it badly, and can see in retrospect it was extremely reasonable. I know a few people who are expected to pay 1/3 of their take home pay as rent, which is an interesting idea if it's going to be a long term thing.

I'm 21, and consider myself a learner in being financially savvy, I'm shocked that we were never taught finance of any variety in school. I am heavily convinced that it should be a secondary school subject, taught in the first and last year. 'Kids these days' really have no understand of interest rates, and inflated costs to hide %0 deals and strings-attached offers, and all these insurance, and tax liabilities... I'm honestly appalled that big of a section of day to day life is not even touched upon in schools. -- bit off topic so i'll shut up there

Fran

paulac, I asked exactly that question on this thread How much should over 18 pay to stay at home?, which had quite a few replies.

jellyhead

we never had to pay board if we were in full time education, mum wanted us to study if it's what we wanted. we did all have to have part time jobs though to fund our own entertainment, phone calls, clothes etc. my sis went straight into a job when she left school and she paid around a fifth of her take home pay in board money. again she had to pay for her own entertainment, phone, clothes. i dropped out of school at one point and went onto a YTS then i had to pay a fifth of my 'wages' in board because mum lost the child benefit for me.

money was tight when we were younger, we all had paper rounds and didn't get pocket money. i think it was good for us. when mum and stepdad were more affluent my youngest brother dropped out of college but didn't get charged board. like lilac's son he only worked around 20 hours a week. mum was working part time and one day she realised that she couldn't afford to live without her wages yet she needed at least six weeks off work following a major op - i pointed out to her that she was working even while she was ill to fund a grown man and his girlfriend (both fully able to work full time if they could be bothered) living in her house for free, she saw my point and started to charge them board, aren't i mean lol! it was just as well though, she needed 11 weeks off in the end. my brother had to work extra hours, part time wasn't enough to pay board and fund his smoking, entertainment, etc. but he was a grown up with no reason to not be working full time. he's a lovely boy and is not really selfish, it just never occurred to him that he should be paying board because he never had done. he'd got into the pattern of living there, working just enough to fund his entertainment, much the same as we all did when we were students i suppose - the difference being that after uni we all got full time work.

i'm glad mum taught me the value of money when i was younger. i saw so many friends completely mismanage their money when they got to uni, it was a real shock just how much it costs to keep a house. it's not just rent, it's water, fuel, TV license etc. and kids who've been brought up with everything on tap don't seem to understand the concept of only having what you can pay for. i worked part time and left uni without a penny of debt despite living in a flat of my own with nobody to share the bills.

i can see poppy's point though, all 4 of us were treated the same way as regards board, pocket money etc. but 2 are hopeless with money, i'm good with money and my youngest brother still doesn't work full time but only spends what he has, he doesn't go into debt. my sister is worst of all, no money sense at all, really really irresponsible, i have no idea why, she just expects other people to pay her bills

Mango

Hi Lilac Lillie

I'm about the same age as your son and have lived away from home all through university and permanently when I found my first job. Some of the things Aunty Margaret said really struck a chord with me - I really think that one of the things that is missing from much of life now is the feeling of pride in being independent and providing for yourself.

I had a bit of a funny upbringing in terms of money - my dad wouldn't allow me to have any kind of part time job and I had to really battle to work during university holidays. I think he thought that working would distract me from studying and was very keen on the idea that he would provide for his family, etc etc. Even now I don't think he realises how limited and frustrated that made me feel. I think the main thing I took away from this was the importance of being able to provide for myself and to be independent, rather than looking on it as a way to get through life for free. I value this as one of the most important things in my life now and one of the best lessons I could have learnt. I have an older sister who sees nothing wrong in asking my parents for money all the time (even for her rent and clothing allowance) and cousins in their mid 30s who have never left home and have everything cooked, cleaned, paid for them etc etc. I used to feel jealous of this sometimes but now I feel a sense of pride in myself that I was brave enough to make my own life for myself, become independent and learn (with lots of help from MSE!!) the value of money.

I'm sorry to ramble but I hope some of that helps! Please don't feel as though it is all your fault - it isn't!! I hope it all works out xx

Woby_Tide

whatever posters on here do, don't let deemy2004 on the mortgage board see this he'll have a heart attack...;)

(or his parents for that matter!)