Grown up kids and contributing to household budget

ALI1973

Hi Lilac.
You sound really down. I assume from your thread that you and DH are ok financially? and not in any debt?.

Ultimately, like it or not, you have to accept that a 27 year old MAN is no longer your responsibility. I think once you and DH can accept this and stop playing the Parent to his Child things will change.

Whatever his income you should take a percentage in "housekeeping" and from what you have said I would insist on a "rent agreement" and a regular Standing Order from hisaccount on pay day. You MUST allow your son the opportunity to stand on his own two feet, because you really are not helping him. You will not be around forever to keep bailing him out. He should accept that his "rent" only includes his room, and electric and gas, any other expenses should be met by him. this includes his holidays.

I have to say that your post shocked me. I am 32 myself and from the age of 13 I had to contribute financially to the household from my Saturday jobs (yes jobS!!) also when getting a fulltime job I was expected to pay board, and a 1/4 toward each household bill. AND yes I resented it like hell!!! however, I now appreciate the value of money and learnt that nothing comes easy. I now have two small kids of my own and when they are 18 they WILL pay their way as well regardless of how affluent (or not) I am.

Im sorry if this is not the sympathetic response you hope but PLEASE help your son. Ask yourself what kind of partner will your son become? will you be able to support his family financially too?.
Hard as this may appear, He will realise that you have done this BECAUSE YOU LOVE HIM.

Take Care Ali

ka7e

I sympathise, LilacLillie. I think I would be in danger of falling into the same trap if it weren't for the fact that my son is due to go to Uni in Sept. I'm hoping that will be the wake-up call he needs! He is 20 and has been going to College locally. He has had an LEA loan for 1 yr which is in a high- interest account and I've rationalised the fact that he doesn't contribute to the family income by making him save £100 per month from his part-time job (he earns £220 - £250 monthly in a supermarket). This will cushion his time at Uni - which he acknowledges will be tough financially. I use his discount card for the weekly shop, but I always end up spending more than the discount is worth on his favourite tipple!
I think you definately need to show some "tough love" to your son. Get him to accompany you on your next weekly shop so he can actually see how much it costs you to put food on the table and keep house. If you don't watch Sky yourself, cancel or downgrade the subscription. If you are still physically doing stuff for him, stop! Leave his laundry to accumulate. Cook him beans on toast instead of the meals the rest of the family eat! Do show him your budget, divide it by the number of people in the house and ask for his third/ quarter (whatever). If it means taking every penny he earns, tell him to get a second job! At 27, he needs to face up to reality and grow up :eek:

robnye

my 12 and 15 year old daughters have to pay towards some things out of their paper-round money, ie extra trips/books/videos etc...... show your son this..... it might embarrass him to think that a child only earning a few quid is willing to help out.....

my 9 year daughter pays towards magazines, out of her pocket money...... it might only be 25p/50p out of the £1.50+ they cost.........

[Deleted User]

I crossed posted with Lilac, so apologise that my first post didn't tie in with her comments.

Lilac, I agree with the others, you need to start taking a firm stand. Its going to be hard and he may kick off like a teenager but he is 27 and not a child anymore.

If it helps my bf is still living with his parents and pays £100 a month rent and he earns a LOT more than me. But he's never had the incentive to leave home, never needed to save and now regrets it. Although the rent seems low to me, he is only at his parents house about 2/7's of the week. He's either with me, seeing friends, having dinner out and busy doing things. But still he will be 36 in July and i think that is way too old to be living at home. He could have saved up and rented somewhere but he wouldn't have the quality of life he does now.................I resent that a little!

System

When my daughter left school, her plans were to go to college and then on to university, after that the sky was the limit..... Well that was the plan, in reality she did her two years in college - resat her exams because her grades were abysmal compared to her ability. I suppose, once she made her mind up to go to college we sort of encouraged her, by telling her, if she passed her driving test, we would buy her a car, pay her an allowance to help with her studies etc. All went well till she flunked her second resits, and decided she was going to take 12 months out and decided to get a job.

I think she thought we had come down from a cukoos nest because when MrJudi said he wanted board off her, she wasnt very happy. I think she thought, as we were willing to let her live off us whilst she was studying she thought we would be just as generous with her whilst she is working. She doesnt earn a lot about £600 a month, but she gives MrJudi £130 of that, and she resents every penny.

Bossyboots

I felt really guilty taking money from my daughter and I have no doubt she will get it back one day. She buys everything else she needs and is really careful with her money. If she wasn't, I would probably take more.

Now we have established the pattern, I don't feel so bad. My son has balked at the idea of being expected to pay from his income from October but I don't feel quite so guilty about him because he is a bit of liberty taker. Mind you a few stern words the other week seems to have brought about a change. He will be doing a PhD but will be bringing in the same as my daughter. I have told him that he is no longer a student at that point and has to pay something into the household.

It was always accepted growing up that you started paying into the household when you started work. My mum didn't take much either but there was never any question of not paying. At 27, I am astounded that Lilac's son has everything paid for him and expects to have everything paid for him. I'm afraid he would be getting the shape up or ship out speech from me.

louise1234_2

Wow - I am really shocked that a 27 year old only works part time & gets his Mum to pay for things! And asking for you to pay for his friend too - that bit left me speechless...

I really think you need to take some drastic action - chucking him out would be extreme.. Stop paying for things for him. Only supply basic board & lodgings. Could you do that immediatlely? Then work towards charging board in a few months. To be honest, the cheek of him amazes me - what self respecting 27 year old asks him to pay for him+mate?? Does he have no self respect??

As I see it there are only a few acceptable (to me) reasons for people over 25 to live at home - doing phD, staying with one parent with massive house or temp staying at parents while renovating own house or had to move out of prev place.



I was brought up to realise what things cost - parents were comfortably off - but me & my brother were bought basics and had to pay for everything else with pocket money since we were very young. When we were students, we got free board & lodgings, and had to buy everything else ourselves.

I moved out before I started working & bought my own place, and as soon as my brother was working, he had to pay a reasonable rent £200 pm. He has recently moved out at 21 & bought his own place and appreciates how much things really cost - he now thinks the £200 was a bargain for the run of a big house, full Sky, internet, meals on table, dishwasher, heating, electricity, laundry and a full fridge and freezer that filled up themselves.

My parents both come from what I suppose you'd call 'working class' backgrounds when they were young money was very tight. They appreciate what they have now and wanted us to learn the value of money, with pocket money was only given when our chores were done.

As for the OP question - I don't think a % of income is fair - I'd say a standard amount for all working kids. As they all consume same amount of electricity, food etc. It may seem unfair - but life isn't fair. Food, rent & electricity costs the same whether you earn £8k or £30k.

LilacLillie

I agree with the comments made and wasn't after sympathy, but advice I could follow.
My husband and I both came from poor families and were made to contribute. We tried to be generous with our 2 sons, but it has backfired with the younger one. He really expects sooooooo much.
We have no debts (other than a small mortgage), have a good life sytle ourselves, but I am beginning to resent my son thinking he has it tough. I wonder sometimes if he resents us having a good life, he certainly makes comments to the effect. That's why I think he thinks ..........if we have it, he's entitled to it!
Its very difficult to get a flat in London, he has spent all his savings that we put by for him when he was a child, and isn't working long enough to get a mortgage (not that he's be able to ever buy in London now). Our older son wouldn't dream of treating us like it, he is renting with his girlfriend at a cost of £850 rent per month, without bills, getting to work and food etc: so its obviously due to the way we've handled the situation.
We have sky in the front room and he has his in his own room, full packages. I do know how bad it sounds, and indeed is, and I am making small steps. He doesn't do anything in the home and again I'm starting to change there to. I feel as if we've made him a monster. I can't believe he likes it either, not really, but when we talk it ends up in terrible arguements.
I wonder if I do budget and save, what will it be of benefit for....................I'll be saving and he'll think he has more to spend!
On top of all that I'm not depressed with it all, just exhausted by it. Thanks for the words of wisdom. Most I've heard before, I need to work out how to implement them now.....................
LL

Poppy9

I think all the posts have the seem thread running through them. Its not the money thats important its the respect given to the parents. Its almost 20 years since I lived at home and I contributed just £10 per week. I was earning about £100 per week before tax. I knew I was getting off lightly but I was the youngest and last left at home. I had a weekend job from the age of 13 but I didn't have to contribute and I had the child benefit as my pocket money. I was suppose to buy my extras like toiletries, clothes, make up etc. in reality if I had saved money to buy a pair of jeans my dad would give me money to get a top to go with them:) I used to buy my parents treats occassionally (but no doubt not often enough). Sadly by the age of 24 I had lost both my parents so now I am more financially well off I have been unable to return the financial favours.

I am apalled at one of my family members who lets her 23 year old off without paying any money towards the household. She has never worked as she has never had any need to. I can't believe that someone can get to the age of 23 without ever having a job.

You need to get tough with your 27 year old son. Charge him rent and tell him exactly what it includes i.e. food, heat and light. Everything else is down to him. Also as he is living under your roof. Ground rules on cleaning not just his room but family rooms, washing, ironing, gardening etc.
You have to be cruel to be kind. Good luck.

rchddap1

Why do you have to tell him that you are saving? Can't you make something up about a drop in income, or an increase in bills. Say that things are too expensive and that you are having to cut down. Then put the money you save into a savings account that he doesn't know about. Preferably one that doesn't send you a statement every month.

Perhaps you could tell him that you are saving for your pension, or for any future grandchildren that come your way. Have you had a holiday yourself (sounds like you could need one) without any added extras in tow? ... and I mean the holiday of a lifetime, somewhere really special. There are lots of things that you could say to him for reasons for saving money so that he doesn't get his little mits on it.

However, it is your money and so you have to right to decide what to do with it.

Sounds like you've had lots of advice from others in the past, but just need some encouragement to actually do the deed. I know it will be tough, and that he will argue with you a lot about this, but at the end of the day what would be best for him? At the end of the day you are still his mother and he will love you no matter what.