Marriage break-up, how can I get him out of the house?

missbiggles1

FBaby wrote: »

Your situation sounds a lot more complex than you seem to realise. For one, you are married, so there is no my savings/my equity/his pension. As you stand, having been married for 5 years +, nothing can be called yours/his. You seem to think that because you paid the deposit on the house, most of the work done on the house, and because he is not treating you well, it gives you more right to the house. It doesn’t work like this. I know from personal experience that you can be the one to have put the full deposit on a house, paid most of the mortgage and bills, be treated like dirt, and still find yourself having to share half the equity of the house, savings and potentially pension if you are married and especially over 5 years.

Your situation might be complex in that there could be a trade-off between the house, savings and his pension, so that is unlikely something you can agree between yourself in a few weeks. You need to seek legal advice asap. You say that you could get a mortgage for the house, but he couldn’t despite his income being higher than yours. Are you totally confident of that? Have you factored the possibility that you might have to buy him out on the basis of 50% of the equity, and that your savings might be considered assets of the marriage rather than just yours to use to buy him out?

In the end, you can try to negotiate between yourself what you think would be a fair share of the assets, or you can go in front of a judge, but you just can’t insist that you get all what you want because you think it is what is morally right. You married the guy, and that changed all the rules.

And, on that basis, perhaps he could actually afford to buy you out, which would seem to be a more convenient situation all round.

sweetcheekz

If his behaviour towards you is becoming that bad, it might be worth speaking to the Padre, they are there to support you both and often have a better insight to military marriages and families. They also, often, have a good deal of influence with people.

Trying_to_be_good

Thanks, all, I've now involved the Service Welfare people, too.

He can't get a big enough mortgage due to the maintenance payments to his ex-wife for his children.

sweetcheekz

That is unfortunate for him, but that is what the block is for, or the Mess, and he can book a Family contact flat for weekends when he has his children. I am guessing that is what he will need to do once you sell the house anyway.

Trying_to_be_good

FBaby wrote: »

In the end, you can try to negotiate between yourself what you think would be a fair share of the assets, or you can go in front of a judge, but you just can’t insist that you get all what you want because you think it is what is morally right. You married the guy, and that changed all the rules.

Thank you. I have done all this negotiating bit. I'd hoped the house would sell as I don't want to live in it (is not near my work nor family) and he can't afford to live in it without me, so I'm now progressing buying him out. It looks like I need to either put up with it in the meantime, or rent myself somewhere else and hope he doesn't trash the place before I'm back with full legal title and he then moves out (and we both move on with the rest of our lives).

I had looked at him renting it from me, but he can't afford anywhere near the market rent.

carefullycautious

He must be under enormous pressure if he is trying to pay for and support 4 children, deal with PTSD and be a welfare officer dealing with other problems. I'm surprised he has not had a breakdown.


It may appear that he puts his children over and above you but what choice does he have. Are you the reason for his first marriage breaking down? if so there is guilt from this too. (Not passing judgement just stating facts)


The pressure on both of you needs to be eased and that can only happen if you both get help from appropriate bodies.


You also need to keep yourself safe so if you can find alternative accommodation do so.

Trying_to_be_good

Thanks, carefully cautious.

No, I wasn't on the scene when his first wife had had enough. I didn't even know him then.

If he could admit he had a stress problem it would be a huge first step, but he won't, it's all my fault as far as he's concerned.

I'm hoping we can sort out the house very soon to relieve the pressure on both of us.

Thank you for your understanding.

carefullycautious

You need to put some space between you to allow all these emotions to calm down. His thought processes are skewed at the moment and as the saying goes 'we always hurt the one we love'


I wish you both well.

Vikipollard

justme111 wrote: »

What behaviour ? You mentioned only one episode of violence . We don't know what it was. As it has not been repeated it looks like he realises the consequences . If you tell him you call the police if you need to you can do it with clear conscience - it would be him who ruins his career if that happens , not you . If there is no violence but it is understandably uncomfortable to you to live there you either suck it up understanding thats the way it is - human being is not a pet you can dump at resque center when you had enough of it - or move out. By the sound of it its not that you are worried for your safety. , you just don't want him here .
I do not condone any violence . I am just saying that you trying to buy him out does not give you neither moral nor legal right to kick him out.

How many episodes does it have to be for him to be considered violent? 'Only' one episode? Seriously? Once is once too many, and it doesn't show at all that he has 'realised the consequences'. He's moved to psychological DV which is every bit as bad, but leaves no visible marks. In some respects, that is even worse than physical violence.


OP did I miss somewhere that he has been diagnosed with PTSD? I couldn't see it in any of your posts, but others have suggested it. Or is he just a nasty piece of work.


I'm glad you have now reported it to the Welfare people as they can support him and hopefully you as well through the difficult times ahead.


He should move out - why delay the inevitable if you are buying him out anyway? You could have an arrangement whereby he has use of the house for the weekends he has his children (until he is bought out), but he's going to have to get used to the idea and it will still be unpalatable to him in two months, six months or twelve. Why should YOU be the one who has to incur all the additional expense?


OP, I really hope this is sorted for you quickly and that you manage to sell the house straight after he is off the mortgage.

Trying_to_be_good

Thanks, Vikipollard

He's not been diagnosed with PTSD, he was selfish/self-obsessed before he went to Afghanistan, but we copied between us. He was much worse when he came back, and was treated (not in the medical sense, the general management sense) quite badly at work for the next 12 months. I tried to flag the issues to the chain of command, but as he denies it there's nothing more I can do.

I think the opportunity to move on, is the best love I can give him now.