Some Mothers - Please advise before I go crazy

Spendless

Bettyboop wrote: »

Spendless I think you missed the point entirely, I was just saying that arrangements for then were made ages ago.....and she probably wont want to be in the car with him alone as they don't talk.....she also said this. So, I can't go with because the Tweenies Show was booked 2 months ago! As mentioned she can't drive but she also refused to get the train because it costs to much. I will figure out what to do.

I missed the point entirely cos it wasn't mentioned in your post.

dianadors

My kids are now 15 and 12 and we have never had any help with childcare from either set of parents - even though when we were first pregnant they almost got to blows about who would be the best babysitters. Hubbys parents also used to travel from Yorkshire to Scotland to babysit for hubby's cousin's kids - often so that the parents could have holidays without them!! On the very rare occasion that they babysat for us, they made it clear that they liked to be off home by 9.30pm!!! I never liked the idea of leaving them with a teenager to babysit when they were younger, and so we got used to not having a social life. As far as work goes, I didnt want a childminder, so I worked evenings and weekends for 8 years - all of which put a tremendous strain on our marriage - but we lived to tell the tale. Nowadays, I work pt days and my mum said that she would look after the kids during the school holidays if I got stuck - She did this a couple of years ago but moaned every day she had to have them, and she didnt know what to do with them either. SHe only lives a few miles away, but she wouldnt come to us, they had to go to her, and they werent allowed to do anything other than watch tv. We have since made alternative arrangements. I feel sad that my kids dont have the relationship I had with my grandparents. I learned such a lot from them. My parents have always been excluded from the lives of their first grandchildren (my brothers kids) as if wife didnt want anything to do with his family at all, they made such a big thing about this, and it still upsets them, but they could have been more involved in my kids lives, but chose not to. Funnily enough, they are starting to wonder who will care for them when they get older! My mum has even mentioned coming to live with us!!! Melg1973 - I wouldnt count on them if I were you!!!

Curious_George_2

i think some of you are maybe being a bit harsh,
it doesnt sound like the OP is always badgering her mum to take the kids (as she said, the granny barely knows the grandaughter)
but if she asked because she needed helping out for this week and her mum agreed then i dont see the problem! one week out of 52 isnt going to kill the woman and if she said yes, then barring some sort of emergency she should at least try to do what was agreed....
i would be a bit put out too to have it all cancelled on me in the last moments, but then again i know better than to rely on my mum when its anything important to me....I expect her to pull this kind of crap on me! :rolleyes:

scubaleopard

Sadly I think the real problem is that you and your Mum don't actually have a very good relationship. It is like everything in life there are always 2 perspectives and if your Mum was answering this tread her opinion would be very different than yours.
I can see both points We now have 3 grown up children without any grandchildren yet. I hope we play a really important part in their lives because our relationship with our children has been really worked at on both sides-- lots of talking and compromising over the years.
I think your Mum is brilliant to help you for a whole week, away from her home and your brother and maybe it seems to you that hse is being difficult but try and see it from her point of view-- she is giving up a week when she might have things in her own life and plans alter all the time. So be flexible and grateful there are always ways around things if you really want a good solution and to keep a good relationship going.

savvy

Bettyboop you sound just like me a few years back, can't tell you what to do, but you may be able to learn something from my experience

I would ask my mum in plenty of time to babysit for a weekend so me and my ex could go to a regatta, she'd say yes, then about a week before the time she'd start saying that she was off to one of her folk festivals, by then too late to find AND ask someone else to look after the kids, so meant we had to completely re jig plans and either drive there and back each day, or try and find extra accomodation for the kids as well, and then have someone look after them during the races we were in!!! :mad: My philosophy is if you can't or don't want to do it, then don't say you will

She did this MANY times to me over a few years, not just for weekend stints but also the odd night out, luckily in the end, I had worked out a back up plan and had a good bank of friends whom I'm forever grateful for, that would help me out, especially when I was on my own after the ex left. All those kind people were my rock back then.:T :A:A:T

Anyway after a while I thought b011ock5 to her, she's too unreliable, I'll not ask anymore and shan't bother visiting either (there's another story to this but won't bore you)................NOW years later, she wants us about and to see the lads, mainly so we do stuff for her in her old age and hour of need :rolleyes:

Basically she doesn't have a clue about who we are, what we get up to and what we like....................because she put her partying, friends and endless boyfriends before being with her grandkids and being a more 'normal/traditional' grandparent. ALL of my ex's parents (some not blood related), and my OH's mum, are far better grandparents to my kids than her, even to the point that the ex's mums still love us to visit!! :A:A

Don't get me wrong, I never expected my mother to be there constantly as and when I wanted her to babysit, far from it because yes she had a life, but the one person you would think that would help you out, would be a parent I'm now the age she was when she first became a grandparent, and still have both my teenage children around me, and if one had a baby, I'd be right there for them..............but I'd strike a balance, snowboarding one day for me and babysitting the next for them

Oh and would just like to add, since I cut most of the ties with my mother, I and my lads have been much happier and have had a great time together.

savvy

Curious_George wrote: »

I never had a nice grandmother either and i would have loved one, so maybe adopting your friend would be fun!

sorry i cant be more help, but ive kind of been in your situation and have yet to find a way out myself,

I agree, go adopt the granny, it may just make her day! My friends mum died before whe had her kids, and moved in next door to an older couple, that couple have now become 'adopted' grandparents and it's really worked for them.

Your second point is really mind over matter, it takes a while to find inner strength to overcome a controlling/useless/abusive parent, but it's worth it in the end...........I haven't quite got to the end as she still has an effect on me, but I can control that effect and it's a LOT smaller these days! :j:j:j

belfastgirl23

I know it's really hard to see clearly when you're desperate but I do think a week of looking after a 4 yo is a big ask. I think when you're used to it (as you are) you don't realise quite how hard it is. After an afternoon of looking after a kid this age (between two or three of us) I am exhausted. I think it's partly because it's such a big responsibility looking after someone else's child, you daren't lift your eyes off them. And I'm probably a fair bit younger than your mum. I think she said yes out of duty and then regretted it. If your mum hasn't spent much time with your daughter too it would have been hard on both of them.

I also think that there's more going on here as well. You're not interested in your mother's life and disapprove of how she is with your brother. She probably knows this. A week of living in close proximity might have been pretty tough on both of you and maybe she knows this too. I love my mum to bits but an overnight is really plenty most of the time. After a while we'd start to rub each other up the wrong way.

I really think for something this big, you need to wait for an offer rather than ask. And looking on the bright side, keep an eye out for all the posts about controlling mothers or MILs. I regret not being closer to my dad but am very grateful for the fact that I don't ever have to worry about his disapproval - it's a double edged sword.

blue_monkey_2

Of course, if you have not mentioned this to your employer you could go visit the doc with some 'stress like' symptoms and get the week off. You just would not be able to go out!!

I do understand totally. I even had my 2nd child at home as I had no childcare. My mum drinks a lot of the time and I don't think, deep down, I would have trusted her with the kids, my dad does not want tknow because he is an ******** (insert whatever word you feel fit) and my in laws live miles away.

ust if it makes you feel any better about your own parents, when I was 7 1/2 months pregnant I fwll down some steps on the way to work and broke my ankle. I got the train back to my usual spot but could not call my dad to come and collect me (who lived a mile from the station) because it as too much on an 'inconvenience' after his own day at work. My brother in law drove to get my husband 15 miles, came back to the station to get me 15 miles, my husband took my car and BIL took me home 15 miles and then drove himself back home the 25 miles. And for this he asked for nothing. My own family aren't anything special but some of my In Laws are. My dad turned up to see my son 2 weeks after he was born waving his £2 rattle and gloating about his new car. Shortly after this when mum wanted to get him off the deeds of the house (as per their divorce settlement 15 years prior to this but mum could neither afford ot or had the balls to do anything about it) he called me all sorts for helping her. He told her it was going to cost hundreds to get to see a solicitor, mum said send the bill I wil pay, after 6 weeks I called round the solicitors myself and found out it would take 5 minutes in his lunch hour and cost a massive £5. When i told him this he hung the phone up on me. 1 month later it was my sons birthday and he sent him £5 present money - with a note in it saying he had 'deducted £5 for the solicitors fees'. pathetic and pointless bully - and I told him so in the 5 page letter telling him exactly what I thought of him and until he was prepared to apologise to my face I wanted nothing more to do with him. And thank god I have not heard from him since! My kids miss out on nothing - he is the Loser in more ways than one.

What I am saying is see if you have to work, find a Nursery locally and even if it costs put your child in there - keep the receipts and you should be able to get it back in Tax Credits. Let your mum do whatever she wants but at least you do now OWE her ANY favours for the one she has done you!

Good luck.

Bettyboop

Just to reiterate I have one child, if she had said no from the start (which was 6 weeks ago then I would have to have found other childcare - I would of had time to that'[s the point. School holidays are next week all the childminders etc are already booked up - hence the reason why I can't find someone now! I am a medical secretary in a hospital and I can't work from home as we are not allowed to take patient information/records out of the hospital. I can't make up the time for next week tomorrow as my mother is meant to be looking after her from this Monday. Hope that clarifies things.

Bettyboop

Another point: My mother is not being used....I can't see how I have never asked her for anything. It's actually the other way around.