Am I doing the right thing?

shoe*diva79

FBaby wrote: »

Under the circumstances, this was totally reasonable. Does it mean that normally she would come with him to his place during the week-ends? Did contact take place every two weeks? Could you negotiate one day a week-end, and then it might be easier for him to agree to the no contact with girlfriend?

Yes, she wouldn't always be there, just every so often. Bearing in mind that ex only see's DD 2-4 times a month this means that DD can go several months without seeing his GF so does not actually know her very well at all.

Some gentle probing to daughter by a friend has revealed that she was called the unsavoury name because she was touching something in the GF bedroom at the GF flat whilst ex was at work.

duchy

Maybe varying the order to one night a week would help with keeping the contact going without the problems and stress a longer stay seems to have raised and if it was more workable with his GF and her kids perhaps he'd be more reliable ?

There would be nothing to stop either of you varying the order again in the future as circumstances change as your daughter gets older.

shoe*diva79

duchy wrote: »

Maybe varying the order to one night a week would help with keeping the contact going without the problems and stress a longer stay seems to have raised and if it was more workable with his GF and her kids perhaps he'd be more reliable ?

There would be nothing to stop either of you varying the order again in the future as circumstances change as your daughter gets older.

Thats a good point. I hadn't thought about that. Thank you, I shall put it to him when we next speak.

Mojisola

shoe*diva79 wrote: »

The court said they wouldn't do anything until an application was received to either vary the order or enforce it.

I havent heard from my ex at all and wondered if I should contact him to let him know whats happening or just leave him to contact me?

shoe*diva79 wrote: »

Thats a good point. I hadn't thought about that. Thank you, I shall put it to him when we next speak.

I would leave him to contact you and also wait for him to go back to court to make any changes.

Keep CAFCASS and Children's Services informed of what's happening and also advise the court if necessary. It's going to be clear that you want your ex to stay in touch with his child but that you also need to be sure that she is safe during contact times.

shoe*diva79

Mojisola wrote: »

I would leave him to contact you and also wait for him to go back to court to make any changes.

Keep CAFCASS and Children's Services informed of what's happening and also advise the court if necessary. It's going to be clear that you want your ex to stay in touch with his child but that you also need to be sure that she is safe during contact times.

Thank you, I have just sent him a email putting to him Duchys suggestion and just updating him that I had spoken to Childrens Services and the Court today. I reiterated the dates that DD is available for supervised contact and indirect contact (phone, FaceTime) as the last thing I need is him blaming me for not having any contact for weeks on end when I am giving him lots of opportunities.

CAFCASS said they can no longer be of help unless the court enlists them. Childrens Services are calling me back although as DD is not in immediate danger this could be a few days.

Mojisola

shoe*diva79 wrote: »

Thank you, I have just sent him a email putting to him Duchys suggestion and just updating him that I had spoken to Childrens Services and the Court today. I reiterated the dates that DD is available for supervised contact and indirect contact (phone, FaceTime) as the last thing I need is him blaming me for not having any contact for weeks on end when I am giving him lots of opportunities.

You won't be able to stop him blaming you - you have no control of over that.

What you can do is show the authorities that his blame is unjustified by keeping good records of what happens.

shoe*diva79

Mojisola wrote: »

You won't be able to stop him blaming you - you have no control of over that.

What you can do is show the authorities that his blame is unjustified by keeping good records of what happens.

Absolutely. I just hope this can be resolved as soon as possible with as little stress to all involved.

fivetide

Any chance at all that your daughter was misbehaving because she was missing her mum?

I find most children cry when told they can't do something or have something so I'm not sure it is right for people to say reducing a child to tears all the time is bad parenting, she might have refused to eat her meal then cried at not being allowed pudding or sweets for example?

Just sounding these out here.

I also think you might be putting a bit on calling him a liar in this situation as he has been with this other person for 18 months (generally a serious relationship) so he isn't going to want to believe the worst about her especially (and no offence here) from you.

In that respect he is likely to be defensive and deny it but you admitted yourself that he did say she had been with the GF on at least one occasion which seems to tally with someone reacting, then calming down.

The bullying from the other kid is an issue though, that's a child that perhaps doesn't want to share their parent and needs careful handling.

Might be worth a conversation with your ex about what works in terms of discipline and the rules you have with DD so he enforces the same rules and isn't telling her off for things she is allowed to do with you etc.

If it can be done with a chat and not just through courts I am sure that will be better all round.

You do understand I am just trying to offer a different perspective here with the benefit of fresh eyes etc.

shoe*diva79

fivetide wrote: »

Any chance at all that your daughter was misbehaving because she was missing her mum?

I find most children cry when told they can't do something or have something so I'm not sure it is right for people to say reducing a child to tears all the time is bad parenting, she might have refused to eat her meal then cried at not being allowed pudding or sweets for example?

Just sounding these out here.

I also think you might be putting a bit on calling him a liar in this situation as he has been with this other person for 18 months (generally a serious relationship) so he isn't going to want to believe the worst about her especially (and no offence here) from you.

In that respect he is likely to be defensive and deny it but you admitted yourself that he did say she had been with the GF on at least one occasion which seems to tally with someone reacting, then calming down.

The bullying from the other kid is an issue though, that's a child that perhaps doesn't want to share their parent and needs careful handling.

Might be worth a conversation with your ex about what works in terms of discipline and the rules you have with DD so he enforces the same rules and isn't telling her off for things she is allowed to do with you etc.

If it can be done with a chat and not just through courts I am sure that will be better all round.

You do understand I am just trying to offer a different perspective here with the benefit of fresh eyes etc.

I totally understand.

With regard to the crying he said she cried because she was being told off. He didnt say why he was telling her off but he words to me were 'she is really naughty'. I have no problem with DD being disciplined in the right circumstances and trust that he would do so as and when required.

Im not calling him a liar, its more the other way around. Well, he is calling DD a liar. He did lie to me (which he admitted) regarding saying it couldn't have happened because he was there 24/7 to admitting that he wasn't there all the time. I understand that he will probably take his gf's 'side' but I dont think it should be as black and white as that.

It has come to light that the other child (there are 2 other children, brothers) has recently had a new sibling born via their mother and a friend has suggested to me that the elder one could be acting up because of this.

Ive tried talking to him on so many occasions now, he just isn't interested. I would rather not waste the courts time when this can all easily be resolved between ourselves but he isnt willing to budge or consider the issues and I am not willing to let DD go off and something happen.

My own opinion on whats happened regarding her being called something unsavoury is that she was touching something in the GF bedroom (where DD was sleeping on a airbed with father and his GF) whilst father at work. The GF got cross and probably said it in the heat of the moment. This does not make it right and all I want is to get to the bottom of it and prevent it happening again, assuming this is the first time.

fivetide

shoe*diva79 wrote: »

I totally understand.

With regard to the crying he said she cried because she was being told off. He didnt say why he was telling her off but he words to me were 'she is really naughty'. I have no problem with DD being disciplined in the right circumstances and trust that he would do so as and when required.

It does sound like you are having a battle to get him onside but I still think it might be worth making sure you are both on the same page when it comes to rules and the punishment. After all, you are more likely to know what will work, he might just do the shouting bit.

Im not calling him a liar, its more the other way around. Well, he is calling DD a liar. He did lie to me (which he admitted) regarding saying it couldn't have happened because he was there 24/7 to admitting that he wasn't there all the time. I understand that he will probably take his gf's 'side' but I dont think it should be as black and white as that.

Yes it was the line about you knowing he's lied in reference to the GF. I can see how that might happen and it may well be as black and white as that, a knee jerk reaction if you will. Otherwise he seems to have backed up most of what DD has said so not trying to hide too much there. Whether that benefits him or not I am not sure.

It has come to light that the other child (there are 2 other children, brothers) has recently had a new sibling born via their mother and a friend has suggested to me that the elder one could be acting up because of this.

That was exactly my thought. Difficult to harm a baby but a slightly older child could easily be the focus of the frustration. This is something that certainly needs addressing.

Ive tried talking to him on so many occasions now, he just isn't interested. I would rather not waste the courts time when this can all easily be resolved between ourselves but he isnt willing to budge or consider the issues and I am not willing to let DD go off and something happen.

That's sad of course. Any chance of meeting just the two of you so you can have an open chat without risking DD being around?

My own opinion on whats happened regarding her being called something unsavoury is that she was touching something in the GF bedroom (where DD was sleeping on a airbed with father and his GF) whilst father at work. The GF got cross and probably said it in the heat of the moment. This does not make it right and all I want is to get to the bottom of it and prevent it happening again, assuming this is the first time.

I think you are right to want to get to the bottom of it and it is good you can consider it might be a one off. It is a strange thing to say though as it is jealous word or something you might say if someone was being deliberately nasty. I doubt that of DD so very strange (what I am saying here is it is different to something dangerous for example "what the eff do you think you are doing?!" if DD was making a grab for hair straighteners or something like that).

I wonder if DD is playing with jewellery or something like that. In which case the simple solution is for the GF to make sure it is put away when DD comes to stay.

The mattress on the floor doesn't sound ideal though.

Good luck