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Am I doing the right thing?
Comments
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Does your DD want to see her Dad?
If not I would be seriously considering stopping contact, although that seems like an alien thing to write if he's only willing to be a Dad for a couple of days a month she may be better without him and having more consistency. If she doesn't want to go, and is having problems like these arise then I question what benefit she's getting from the contact.
While I'm not suggesting you stop contact.
I certainly don't think you should be encouraging it.0 -
This could be my story from years ago my ex had a GF who called my DD a "little B***H" to my face, DD hated going and stopped when she was 7 or 8 her useless dad said she didn't have to come if she didn't want to, he never sent a card or bought her a present after that. Guess who is walking her down the aisle next summer?
It's good to try to do the right thing but some people don't deserve to have a relationship with their children. DS kept up his relationship with dad but my DH got invited to his graduation and dad gets an hour if he is lucky when DS is around the area these days.0 -
Reading this, I'm struck by how long she was with him. A whole week is a very long time when you are three. When my DD was that age, she found it quite hard to go to her dad for 5 days in the summer without me, even though she had a good relationship with him and was used to staying over with him not only every other weekend but every Tuesday night as well. A child who has a not very close relationship with a non resident parent is only going to find it harder. So if contact does go ahead in future, could it be for a shorter period? I know it doesn't give you a break, but I'm sure it would be less scary and upsetting for her.
As for saying that she cried because he told her off because she was naughty - sounds to me as though his parenting-three-year-olds skills are pretty abysmal if his idea of discipline involves continually reducing the child to tears.
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Tyre performance in the wet deteriorates rapidly below about 3mm tread - change yours when they get dangerous, not just when they are nearly illegal (1.6mm).
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How long have you been separated and how long has contact with him been established? Have you had any serious issues in the past? How long has he been with his girlfriend?
Assuming that contact has been regular previously and you haven't had any contact problems before, then I don't think it is a good idea to stop contact. I would ask him that she only has contact with him without the girlfriend, and that at some stage when contact with girlfriend is re-established (in a long enough time) that he makes sure she is never left alone with her.
As for the crying due to different disciplining, that's not unusual and certainly shouldn't be a reason on its own to stop contact. Different people are more or less strict. I told my kids off much more than their dad did, so cried much more with me, but that didn't make me a bad parent or that they loved me less, just a stricter one.0 -
It's hard as you feel that you have to do things properly and by the book and almost force them to have a relationship while all the time thinking I don't want this and I don't want to put her through it even though you have to.
This - I am afraid if I don't continue to force her to go when I am worried about how she is bring treated, that I will get into trouble from the court.0 -
Does your DD want to see her Dad?
If not I would be seriously considering stopping contact, although that seems like an alien thing to write if he's only willing to be a Dad for a couple of days a month she may be better without him and having more consistency. If she doesn't want to go, and is having problems like these arise then I question what benefit she's getting from the contact.
She says she doesn't, but then she is only 3 and as much as i agree with you, court sees it as my role to encourage her to go.0 -
Reading this, I'm struck by how long she was with him. A whole week is a very long time when you are three. When my DD was that age, she found it quite hard to go to her dad for 5 days in the summer without me, even though she had a good relationship with him and was used to staying over with him not only every other weekend but every Tuesday night as well. A child who has a not very close relationship with a non resident parent is only going to find it harder. So if contact does go ahead in future, could it be for a shorter period? I know it doesn't give you a break, but I'm sure it would be less scary and upsetting for her.
As for saying that she cried because he told her off because she was naughty - sounds to me as though his parenting-three-year-olds skills are pretty abysmal if his idea of discipline involves continually reducing the child to tears.
When it went to court I wanted him to see her every other weekend and 1 night in the week (flexible to work around us both). He said no and refused so its supposed to be just every other weekend and 2 weeks in the summer holidays. I was not happy for her to go for 2 weeks straight and the court agreed to have one week at the beginning and one week at the end. This year he only had her the one week.0 -
How long have you been separated and how long has contact with him been established? Have you had any serious issues in the past? How long has he been with his girlfriend?
Assuming that contact has been regular previously and you haven't had any contact problems before, then I don't think it is a good idea to stop contact. I would ask him that she only has contact with him without the girlfriend, and that at some stage when contact with girlfriend is re-established (in a long enough time) that he makes sure she is never left alone with her.
As for the crying due to different disciplining, that's not unusual and certainly shouldn't be a reason on its own to stop contact. Different people are more or less strict. I told my kids off much more than their dad did, so cried much more with me, but that didn't make me a bad parent or that they loved me less, just a stricter one.
Separated just over 2 years. Contact established from the start altho was shaky as he was not consistent. Would go 4-6 weeks with no contact because of his job. I told him he needed to be more consistent or nothing because DD was only 18 months at the time and it was confusing for her. Contact order sorted within 6 months. Everything been fairly okay since then.
No serious issues in past, been with his GF for around 18 months.
I have asked him yesterday that I feel the way forward is for him to continue his usual contact without his GF being around (he lives with her during the week but weekends he has DD he has his own flat local to me that he lives in) but he refuses. So I have refused to let her go this weekend.
Re the discipline, obviously I hope DD is being taught right from wrong and told off in the right circumstances, but if she is continually miserable then I don't think that will be achieving a good relationship between them.0 -
shoe*diva79 wrote: »This - I am afraid if I don't continue to force her to go when I am worried about how she is bring treated, that I will get into trouble from the court.shoe*diva79 wrote: »When it went to court I wanted him to see her every other weekend and 1 night in the week (flexible to work around us both). He said no and refused so its supposed to be just every other weekend and 2 weeks in the summer holidays. I was not happy for her to go for 2 weeks straight and the court agreed to have one week at the beginning and one week at the end. This year he only had her the one week.
How could you get into trouble with the court when it's him who isn't making the effort to see her? Most men take their exs to court because they won't let the fathers see the children often enough - not the other way round!
In your position, I would step back from forcing the situation. Talk about Daddy with her if she mentions him, don't say anything negative about him and wait for him to initiate contact. If he doesn't, then she'll probably better not seeing him for the moment.0 -
I'd wait for him to contact you regarding access.
Stop trying to force something he doesn't seem to want & that is stressing your daughter.Try to be a rainbow in someone's cloud.0
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