Am I doing the right thing?

shoe*diva79

Mojisola wrote: »

How could you get into trouble with the court when it's him who isn't making the effort to see her? Most men take their exs to court because they won't let the fathers see the children often enough - not the other way round!

In your position, I would step back from forcing the situation. Talk about Daddy with her if she mentions him, don't say anything negative about him and wait for him to initiate contact. If he doesn't, then she'll probably better not seeing him for the moment.

Because technically I am breaking the order - he came to pick her up Friday night and i refused to let her go due to the issues that have come up.

Grumpygit

It's not necessarily about you getting in trouble with the court, but him telling a hard luck story about how the ex wouldn't let him see his darling daughter who he loves more than anything and would do anything for.

OP - you have been doing the right thing even if it doesn't feel like the right thing, keep a log of everything that does or doesn't happen and even get your dd to draw pictures of her experiences there (I would suggest some sort of blog/diary for older children). Also, if you email him or text his, keep the replies of his excuses

I do feel for you and your dd.

I also agree with Mojisola In your position, "I would step back from forcing the situation. Talk about Daddy with her if she mentions him, don't say anything negative about him and wait for him to initiate contact. If he doesn't, then she'll probably better not seeing him for the moment."

This is exactly what we did during her early ish years to when she was old enough to know some home truths about him. We tried several times to get their relationship better, but he just wouldn't stand up to the step witch on behalf of his daughter and now he is paying the price. She is now 14.

He knows what he did was wrong and wishes he could turn back the clock, but it's too late. They now see each other one evening every other week but that was during the summer when they met up, her on her scooter and him on his bike.....don't know what will happen over the winter and especially now she has a part time job.

It is hard, your head is saying I must do this but your heart is saying no.

Mojisola

shoe*diva79 wrote: »

I took advice from CAFCASS and my solicitor as there is a court order in place as to how I should proceed as the thought of my small child being verbally abused in this way makes me feel sick.

I was advised that I was to continue offering contact on a supervised basis and that her father and I should meet and discuss. If we couldn't resolve then we should seek mediation and if this still failed then we could go back to court.

The solicitor explained that although I was technically breaking the order if I didnt let DD go as usual on the next due contact, a judge would understand my reasons and that they would be concerned about possible safeguarding issues.

shoe*diva79 wrote: »

Because technically I am breaking the order - he came to pick her up Friday night and i refused to let her go due to the issues that have come up.

It's obviously a very stress-full time for you but you are protecting your daughter and her safety has to come above everything else.

Don't forget that he has also "technically" broken the order because he hasn't had his daughter on all the occasions set down by the court.

It can seem a bit hard-hearted but if she comes home with bruises in the future, make sure someone else sees them and that you take dated photos of them.

shoe*diva79

Yes, I am worried what he will say. I already know he lies - he proved this Friday night when he said he was with DD 24/7 and his GF couldn't have called her anything and then within 20 minutes admitted he did leave DD with his GF while he was at work.

Im worried because its a 'my word against his'. I wish I had taken a photo of her neck. Some of my family did see the injury.

I do feel I am doing the right thing, I just want to make sure DD is safe and I have given him many options to ensure that happens. He isn't interested in them though and I fear that he will just apply to the court to enforce the order.

My only hope if that happens is that the judge will see that I have given him all the options I was advised by CAFCASS (court advisors) and he has been the one to refuse them until we could come to an agreement.

Mojisola

shoe*diva79 wrote: »

Yes, I am worried what he will say. I already know he lies - he proved this Friday night when he said he was with DD 24/7 and his GF couldn't have called her anything and then within 20 minutes admitted he did leave DD with his GF while he was at work.

Does your phone have a record facility? If not, get a small digital recorder. Record every conversation you have with him. Keep all emails, texts, etc.

shoe*diva79

Mojisola wrote: »

Does your phone have a record facility? If not, get a small digital recorder. Record every conversation you have with him. Keep all emails, texts, etc.

Yes it does. I keep all emails (sent and received) although he rarely responds to emails. His communication is literally almost non existent.

Several times I have emailed him about appts DD has such as parents meetings for pre school and he does not reply and does not turn up. When I ask why he says he is busy working. Surely a quick reply saying 'sorry, cannot attend on this occasion' but no.. nothing!

i have started keeping a diary but only since beginning of June when he brought DD back late against advice of HV.

shoe*diva79

Thank you everyone, you have made me feel a bit more secure knowing I am not acting unreasonably or anything. Obviously I am worried what the future will hold but I will update if/when anything happens.

FBaby

I have asked him yesterday that I feel the way forward is for him to continue his usual contact without his GF being around (he lives with her during the week but weekends he has DD he has his own flat local to me that he lives in) but he refuses. So I have refused to let her go this weekend.

Under the circumstances, this was totally reasonable. Does it mean that normally she would come with him to his place during the week-ends? Did contact take place every two weeks? Could you negotiate one day a week-end, and then it might be easier for him to agree to the no contact with girlfriend?

I had real issues with contact with my ex in the past and had reasons to consider that contact should stop (like when his girlfriend called DS names and screamed at hime because he had wetted her bed even though I had reminded ex that he still needed a nappy for napping). DS also went through a stage of crying and refusing to go with his dad. His response was to act defensively and say that 'fine, he didn't have to go with him'. It was me who insisted (gently) against all my maternal instincts.

Kids have now grown up and have a relatively decent relationship with their dad who they still see weekly. The bottom line is that this relationship is important to them and their emotional stability, so I know it was the right thing to take it upon myself to encourage it, even though it was less than perfect and I so strongly felt that it wasn't my role to make the effort.

FBaby

Sorry I had not read the 2nd page. I don't want to come across as critisizing, I so know how you feel and if I'd posted when my kids were the same age, I think I would have said that you were 100% right in your stance.

It is just hindsight that I see that what seemed very important at the time were not as much so long term as I thought there might be compared to the importance of having a regular relationship for my kids emotional well-being. My boy has long forgotten the incident about being told off for wetting the bed and as it happens, gets along well with his dad's partner, who I have to say, despite my strong resentment to start with, I now find quite a great step-mother.

shoe*diva79

Good morning

Just a little update...

I called CAFCASS this morning. they advised that I speak to Children's Services and also advise the court that I have stopped unsupervised contact.

Childrens services took down the details and someone is calling me back.

The court said they wouldn't do anything until an application was received to either vary the order or enforce it.
I dont actually want to vary the order, I still want contact to be taking place but in an environment that is safe for DD.

Does anyone have any experience with Children's Services?

I havent heard from my ex at all and wondered if I should contact him to let him know whats happening or just leave him to contact me?