Am I doing the right thing?

shoe*diva79

Some of you may remember my thread from a few weeks ago regarding my daughter who is 3 not wanting to go for contact with her father. A bit of a update that has brought a whole fresh problem and although I have taken advice from CAFCASS/Solicitor, things have now progressed and Ill need to speak to them again on Monday, but maybe anyone can offer any advice.

The last time DD saw her father she went to stay with him for a week. Upon her return home she had bruising and superficial cuts on her neck. I asked her what happened and she said her older brother (aged 12) picked her up by her neck. I asked what daddy did and she said he got angry with her brother so I am taking that as it was handled appropriately and older brother was told off.

A few days later DD fell over outside grazing her knees. I picked her up calling her a silly sausage and through her tears she said 'im not a silly sausage, im a little b****' (female dog word). I asked where she had heard that and she said '*fathers girlfriends name* called me it' - so I asked where and she said at girlfriends house. I asked where daddy was and she said at work.

I contacted her father asking for some clarification on exactly what had been going on with the above 2 points along with another couple of minor issues. I took advice from CAFCASS and my solicitor as there is a court order in place as to how I should proceed as the thought of my small child being verbally abused in this way makes me feel sick.

I was advised that I was to continue offering contact on a supervised basis and that her father and I should meet and discuss. If we couldn't resolve then we should seek mediation and if this still failed then we could go back to court. The solicitor explained that although I was technically breaking the order if I didnt let DD go as usual on the next due contact, a judge would understand my reasons and that they would be concerned about possible safeguarding issues.

I sent ex a email confirming everything I had been told 10 days before contact and said I hoped he would contact mr prior so we could have a chat. I didnt get a response.

Fast forward to last night, ex turned up to collect daughter. I asked if he has seen email (which I sent to work and personal address) and he said no. We stood almost arguing for 20 minutes before arranging to meet today to discuss.

So today we met and he refused to acknowledge that there are any issues and called our DD a liar. He said he was with DD 24/7 and that there was no way his GF would have said that to her. As the meeting went on he then admitted that he had left DD with his GF whilst he went to work on at least 1 occasion. He refuses to believe that this could have happened.

I have now left it that as we couldn't resolve, he can organise some mediation which is required before we go to court. I confirmed I was happy for contact to take place supervised and he could phone or FaceTime DD whenever he felt he wanted to. I also told him some dates over the next 2 weeks (before contact would be due again) that DD was available (around pre school) for supervised contact and when I was available for mediation.

My heart is breaking for my little girl. She said she cried the whole time she was with him, which he confirmed she did - he said DD was naughty and was continually being told off. I dont feel this is any excuse for her to be called an unsavoury name by someone though.

Thank you if you have got this far and if you can offer any advice I would really appreciate it as I am unable to contact CAFCASS until Monday as the office is closed over the weekend.

hgotsparkle

Sorry I haven't had any situation like this as I don't have kids, but how horrible for your little girl. I can't believe he didn't fly to your daughters defence!
When I was little, my dads GF at the time said that I was going to move to Cyprus with her and my dad, and obviously I was upset (I was about 5) and told my mum when I got home, she flew off the handle and spoke to my dad about it, and I know that he and his GF had an argument about this as all of my family told me as I got older, that she can't go around saying things like that. Yes, my dad is a vile person and I have nothing to do with him now, but he stood up for me and didn't say that I was making things up.

A 3yo can't call themselves that unless they hear it being said to them.

shoe*diva79

No defence of her at all. He just called her a liar. I have never heard her say that word before. She has said one swear word before which she overheard me say to someone and she repeated a couple of times before she understood that its not a nice word and she wasn't to say it again.

Over the last 2 years I have done everything I can to try and get him to see her regularly (thats why there is a court order) and despite the fact he still does not see her as often as he should, I cannot believe he isn't willing to accept that he cannot be 100% sure this didn't happen and is refusing to come to a compromise about how we go forward in the best interests of DD.

hgotsparkle

I can't advise on the legal/contact side of things but it sounds to me like he just isn't overly bothered, as horrible as that is, some people just turn out that way. A doting dad would take an accusation of someone swearing at a child very seriously.

HPoirot

From your last thread and from this one, you seem to be doing everything "in the best interests" of your DD by the book. How about the best interests of her - your DD. I appreciate this is a hard job to get right, but the facts are staring you in the face. The man is not bothered about keeping regular contact nor of keeping your DD happy and safe. It is all about him. He calls her a liar yet admits he lied? He says she cried all the time, yet it sounds as if it should all be her fault? Come on now she is only 3 years old, I would not let my DD out of my sight with such a person let alone the other toxic hangers-on he brings with him.

lostinrates

I'm not a parent, but I've known and loved lots of little children. The three year olds who have stayed with me away from mummies aren't 'naughty' if they cry IMO. Even if with someone they love dearly like one parent missing the other one, ESPECIALLY a primary carer is confusing and scary.

I can understand your child's partner wanting to defend his ex and not entering into discussion over that tbh, but not calling the little girl naughty for crying.

shoe*diva79

Thanks.

I am going to call CAFCASS on Monday as I don't want them not to have a healthy relationship, but I do need to know that DD is in a safe environment.

If I don't hear from him then I wont be chasing. Its making me so anxious and worried for a variety of reasons. If he decides to enforce the court order without any further discussions or mediation then I would hope the judge will agree that his actions don't appear to be those of a loving parent. Also, if he goes the court route the judge will want to know why he didn't have mediation and why he has refused supervised contact in the meantime. A court date could be 6-8 weeks away which would mean up to 12 weeks since he last had contact with her.

shoe*diva79

HPoirot wrote: »

From your last thread and from this one, you seem to be doing everything "in the best interests" of your DD by the book. How about the best interests of her - your DD. I appreciate this is a hard job to get right, but the facts are staring you in the face. The man is not bothered about keeping regular contact nor of keeping your DD happy and safe. It is all about him. He calls her a liar yet admits he lied? He says she cried all the time, yet it sounds as if it should all be her fault? Come on now she is only 3 years old, I would not let my DD out of my sight with such a person let alone the other toxic hangers-on he brings with him.

I asked him why she cried all the time and he said it was because she was naughty so he had to keep telling her off, so then she cried.

By no means am I going to say DD is a angel, she is 3 after all and carries those typical 'threenager' qualities, but on the whole she is a pretty good kid. Polite, kind, loving. The worst I have from her is getting her to eat her dinner and her bedtime routine can be stressful as she often does not want to go to bed.

I fully appreciate your post. Im not like some parents you read about who try and keep the little ones apart from another parent, the whole point of court order was to get him to have regular contact with her.

I feel like I am fighting a losing battle with him. I guess I just sit back and see if he makes any attempt for mediation or if Ill get a letter from court to attend at some point.

HPoirot

I suppose you have tried and it is not working, I would not be forcing them on each other anymore. As you say any attempt has to come from him and if it does I would want to know how he intends to take care of her. I find it very worrying that he just brushes everything she says as a lie yet later admits he lied himself. This is not a loving parent, just a man who is only looking out for himself. Best of luck xx.

Grumpygit

I can totally sympathise with you, your situation and what your DD is going through.

We had a similar issue with my DD and her dad, his new wife etc - the situation now, is that DD changed her surname to my hubby (step dad) and he has parental responsibility for her (should anything happen to me).

Her dad just let things ride and didn't support her in their family environment. After she stopped going to his (her decision) he didn't contact her for 4 months!

This all probably started from the time she was 6 to 12 when we arrived at this situation.

It's hard as you feel that you have to do things properly and by the book and almost force them to have a relationship while all the time thinking I don't want this and I don't want to put her through it even though you have to.

I hope that it works out for you and her.

Big hugs to both of you

Beckyy

Does your DD want to see her Dad?


If not I would be seriously considering stopping contact, although that seems like an alien thing to write if he's only willing to be a Dad for a couple of days a month she may be better without him and having more consistency. If she doesn't want to go, and is having problems like these arise then I question what benefit she's getting from the contact.