How to put my foot down?

lostinrates

Torry_Quine wrote: »

For several years after my close friend's mother died I made sure I got in touch on the date with a card or phone-call to see that she was alright.


Those who are saying they don't know, surely you were told at the time so did know but just didn't take a note of it to remember which is your choice.

My parent died many years ago and my husband always remembers and helps me to mark it, I would be very hurt and angry if he didn't .

We mark my late mil's birthday. Commemorating her death was not helping DH or his siblings. I am afraid I could not now remember the exact day of her death without checking with him. That said, I have been known to get my own birthdate.

PenguinOfDeath

CH27 wrote: »

I have no idea about the anniversaries of my friends parents. My OH has no idea of when my mum's anniversary is. I think you are being very unrealistic in expecting people to remember.

Slightly o/t but I spoke on the phone to a relative of OH a couple of months ago who said something about marking his grandmothers 'anniversary'. For ages I assumed she meant her wedding anniversary and had no idea people used the term any other way.

Fwiw he had some idea of the time of year but didn't remember the actual date.

Peter333

purpleshoes wrote: »

I would certainly expect friends to say something if you had just lost your stepdad, but not 3 years later. Im speaking as someone who lost a relative 4 years ago and I got massive support on fb and beyond, but I wouldnt expect that year on year and neither would I probably say anything on fb now, Id just remember her quietly and try and get through the day the best way I could.

This ^^^

I am sorry you feel low OP, and I hope you can get the help you need. You do sound depressed, and having to go back to work when you have a little baby (and may have PND) is probably not helping the situation, and if you have relationship issues, then that will add fuel to the fire.

But I agree with Purple Shoes that I wouldn't hold it against friends who do not acknowledge your parents (or step-parents) death anniversaries. I wouldn't. Yes if it had just happened, but not if it was three years ago.

I think maybe it's just getting to you more because you're feeling low.

Hope you feel OK soon.

Shelldean

missbiggles1 wrote: »

I don't really know why you'd expect your boyfriend's parents to have pictures of your children up when, as you're not married to their son, they're no relation to them.

themull1 wrote: »

I agree with this - your kids are no relation to oh's parents, why would they have pictures of them?

I'm kinda surprised by these two comments as they are so different to what I've experienced. (though I do appreciate they are entitled to their opinion)


My OH isn't the biological father of my daughter, yet once we was together and it was all working out (sorry cant think of another way of describing it) His parents accepted my DD as their own grandchild.
And most definitely accepted her once we'd had a child together - we actually now have three boys and are married.


In fact m-I-l was very miffed when she discovered she'd not been invited to DD graduation this summer ( only allowed two tickets so just OH and I went)


My ex m-I-l also accepts all my three boys as her grandchildren and are treated alongside DD, from photos to birthdays to Christmas.


Have I just been lucky? Guess I must've from reading the previous responses?


But given my experience I can see why OP is annoyed about the lack of photos of all the children

Mojisola

butterflylady wrote: »

It's 3 years today since my step dad past away, none of my friends have sent me a message to see how I am, my boyfriend hasn't remembered :-(

Do you send messages to everyone you know on the anniversary of their relatives' deaths?

pollypenny

OP, you sound rather self-centred to expect phone calls from people on the anniversary of the death of a parent.

Buffythedebtslayer

When I think back to how tough it was when I lost my Dad and how now I still dread certain days or times of year that bring back memories so clear but now so painful I can understand why you feel how you do. My friends don't remember as such, as much as they love you, it is not their loss or pain that is echoed each year. Try not to hold against them.


You have a new baby which is a heck of a lot to deal with plus your older children. Everything is changing and you are adapting, please give yourself time.


My only advice is to do something nice for yourself each day, whatever it is however small. you are important you deserve to be happy. Make your own remembrance for your stepdad, perhaps let a trusted friend know that you feel fragile and sad.


Although sometimes it is difficult to post on an open forum when feeling so down - have done it myself and it can be tiresome to sit and wish people understood better or didn't take things the wrong way, do keep doing it, it is good to write down how you feel and get it out. Maybe just do on the computer and don't publish.


Please don't feel isolated, there will be friends who will understand, there are people who understand.


Take care


XXX

Calien

A lot of people generally don't remember the anniversary of someone's death unless they were either family or a friend of said person, even then some still don't remember. My mum died 8 years ago and the only person outside of me, my dad and brother who remembers is a woman my parents were friends with for decades. People move on, they forget, that's life.

As for the pictures, how long have you been with your partner? If it's years then yeah I'd probably think hey my kids are your family too now, if it's not that long then I wouldn't expect them to have pictures of them around if they don't want to.

Your partner taking his son to work, depending on what he does for a living it could be something really exciting for a boy to be involved with and something mind numbingly boring for girls. As an example, my dad drove trucks, took my brother with him and he loved it, took me with him and I was really bored.

Errata

pollypenny wrote: »

OP, you sound rather self-centred to expect phone calls from people on the anniversary of the death of a parent.

I don't even expect phone calls from friends and relatives when it's my birthday!

Yolina

Calien wrote: »

A lot of people generally don't remember the anniversary of someone's death unless they were either family or a friend of said person, even then some still don't remember.

Yep. My dad died over 30 years ago, I know the date but it doesn't register anymore on the day (and hasn't for a very long time). My grandparents have been dead for over 15 years and I honestly have no idea of the dates at all. A close friend died a few months ago and whilst I had plenty of sympathy and support from other friends at the time, I certainly wouldn't expect anyone to say anything in subsequent years and I'd frankly find it weird if they did.

As for the other things, OP can you just talk to your OH about it? And I mean talk, not have a massive row