How to put my foot down?

marisco_2

You seem to have a build up of resentment toward people, which is really draining you and making you feel miserable. If you don't communicate your needs clearly though, they may not be aware that what they are doing is causing this to happen, and a wedge will just continue to grow between you. Sit down and have a calm chat with your boyfriend and explain how you are feeling. I would hope he will listen to you and want to meet you half way on things.

I have been there for friends when they have lost people they loved. I don't mark each anniversary thereafter though. That said if my friends were in need of support at that time, they know to call me and I would chat to or meet up with them. I think that is a realistic way to handle friendships.

I agree with others who say get a lovely framed photo of all the kids and gift it to your boyfriends parents.

mountainofdebt

74jax wrote: »

I did think maybe I would blasted for it, but wrote it anyway as another perspective just in case.

I totally support him all the time over his dad's death, if he ever needed it, but I wouldn't make a point of it, even on an anniversary. It's a time for quiet reflection I think. Although hubby wouldn't change his fb to reflect this, he would do it privately if that makes sense .

I was going to add that OH has never really made a point of mentioning the date either though I'm sure he's aware of it.....but whether this is a 'bloke' thing or just a 'my OH' thing I'm not sure

CH27

butterflylady wrote: »

The reason why I expect some oF my friends to remember/acknowledge the day is cos I put something on fb and changed my profile picture, which sounds immature but it's a way of remember as going to his grave is impossible.

I expect my other half to remember as we have had various conversations this week about y my mum won't/can't come to cricket tonight.

I might do a picture but they have enough of there own, it wldn't take 5 mins for them to be printed off and put in a frame.

I think grief is a personal thing & if you wanted support then maybe you should have spoke to someone by phone or face to face instead of using facebook to communicate.

Hermia

purpleshoes wrote: »

I would certainly expect friends to say something if you had just lost your stepdad, but not 3 years later. Im speaking as someone who lost a relative 4 years ago and I got massive support on fb and beyond, but I wouldnt expect that year on year and neither would I probably say anything on fb now, Id just remember her quietly and try and get through the day the best way I could.

I completely agree. I didn't even expect people to remember the first anniversary of my mother's death and I don't remember their bereavement dates either. It's not the sort of thing you would write on a calendar! I am not sure people say much even if they know unless you ask for support. A lot of people prefer people not to know as they don't want that petson to say something to trigger tears at the wrong moment.

BitterAndTwisted

If you set yourself up to "expect things" from those close to you, you are setting yourself up for terrible disappointment. These things are obviously important to you, but they're just not that important to other people in the same way. And they're not mind-readers either. Someone putting stuff up about the dear departed on Facebook comes over as deeply attention-seeking, and I'd ignore it, too.

Put your foot down about things that are truly possible to be changed and utterly reasonable. All the rest, let it go.

Torry_Quine

For several years after my close friend's mother died I made sure I got in touch on the date with a card or phone-call to see that she was alright.


Those who are saying they don't know, surely you were told at the time so did know but just didn't take a note of it to remember which is your choice.

My parent died many years ago and my husband always remembers and helps me to mark it, I would be very hurt and angry if he didn't .

themull1

missbiggles1 wrote: »

I don't really know why you'd expect your boyfriend's parents to have pictures of your children up when, as you're not married to their son, they're no relation to them.

I agree with this - your kids are no relation to oh's parents, why would they have pictures of them?

Indie_Kid

I agree with the majority of posts in this thread. I wouldn't expect others o remember anniversaries of losing loved ones.

Errata

Someone at his work said bring ur little boy in when u have him, oh says that's a good idea, he gets to see where I work, what about my eldest 2, for clarity my eldest 2 aren't his!! I guess they just don't count.

As far as his work colleagues are concerned they probably don't.

krlyr

I think you're, understandably, feeling very sensitive and have perhaps taken quite a few of these actions to heart.

Your friends and boyfriend might not know whether you'd want to acknowledge the day, or may perhap not remember the exact date. The date obviously means a lot to you, but not as much to them. I'm sure if you'd asked for some support, for them to come over to keep you company or to visit the grave with you, your true friends would oblige - but if remembering the date a friend's stepdad passed away, 3 years after the event, is a measure of friendship then I think I may not fare too well on that either.

I am also always forgetting to book days off at work. Doesn't mean the event doesn't mean anything to me, it means I'm forgetful! It took me about a week, and my OH reminding me several times, to book the day off for my own graduation ceremony next month!

The suggestion of taking his little boy in to work, perhaps they'd have said the same if all of the children were yours? Maybe they just think the younger boy is of an age where he'll find it fun, rather than boring, like an older child might. And obviously he couldn't take your new baby in for the day! It may not be 'yours vs his' at all, but just that they'd been talking about or thinking about his son and suggested the day in the office as an offshoot of that thought.

The grandparents and photos - are the other photos they have up home printed copies, or proper photos? I probably wouldn't print photos at home myself to frame - I haven't had a printer of my own for years, and OH's work printer isn't really great quality as it's just for printing paperwork.
I do agree that the relationship between his parents and your own children would likely have a different dynamic to their true grandparents. My stepdad's parents treat us differently - we still get Christmas gifts off them, but not to the same value as my stepsisters, and I doubt they have any photos of us up in their house!

Someone mentioned another thread that suggests there are further issues with your relationship - I imagine those, combined with the anniversary of your stepdad's death, have made everything seem worse than perhaps it would be on its own.