Spent 4 years pretending it's all OK

NoOneAround

Thanks dawnybabe, satchmo1, edpvito, supersaver1000, brizzledfw, ampersand


Lots of posts and suggestions and support .... thank you all....all comments taken on board and really appreciated....will work through bit by bit.


Re uniform costs -- yes it costs a lot, but I buy minimal and wash lots so each piece gets max use. Re: second hand uniform there is a shop at school and I took it over last year (volunteer) and made the school 3K profit. So not only do I pay them I also make money for them!! It's what I said in an earlier post - I like helping people, it makes me feel good!


Food ---I cook soups, slow cooker casseroles, make stock from chicken carcasses after roast etc, but have been considering buying a breadmaker...anyone have any experience? We get through a loaf a day minimum.


Life insurance - its about £100/month for me and £130 for my husband to cover mortgage - I think there was also an income protection policy for each of us in there as we were both self employed, need to find all paperwork and look at it all again.


have started more detailed budget in Excel - will have a look at the software suggested but no spare cash at the moment.

NoOneAround

Worked bank hours at school yesterday, sitting with a 13 year old wheelchair bound kid disable through an incurable illness, while he did exams. Puts things in perspective somewhat. He was such a happy confident child. Just goes to show that there are many different types of adversity - I know this from personal experience, and have beaten many before (long stories to put here.....need to write that book!) so there is s no reason whatsoever that I need to let debt dragon bully me into helplessness and despair.


Make Way....New Me coming through :cool:


Todays tasks,

• Clear my desk, and find letter for MRI scan in September that I have misplaced, File some letters, I think a default is on the way.
• Cancel and transfer more DD's to the new account.
• Take daughter to bank to get her student account sorted so that she can apply for her NUS card.

Worked 6 hours yesterday so that's 10% of the shortfall in income we need to cover costs this month.:)


Found a market research thing which my daughter was eligible for - she went and did it last week and has received £40 amazon evoucher + could ordered £25 in books for 10% of cost, so she's had a nice treat + Nice bonus pot for books she will need to buy at uni.


Realised that not being able to talk at home to hubby really was pulling me down. So thanks you everyone who has been offering support and advice and holding out a helping hand - you have no idea how much it has meant....


At the risk of sounding corny and cheesy and mushy etc I'll say it anyway in the words of a song


".....You are the wind beneath my wings.....":A

NoOneAround

Todays positives:


Student bank account sorted for daughter, she leaves in less than 3 weeks and I'm finding this very hard.


New glasses sorted out for both of them, ready for start of new academic year. Free for son but daughter's cost £71 as she is now 18. First new pair in 2 years as we didn't change them last year so essential expenditure.


Also bought new dressing gown for £17 (shared facilities at uni) so again necessary. But on plus side she qualified for another research study - takes an hour and will get paid £7 for participating in an on-screen memory study.


But grocery shopping still at 65 this week.


Didn't get round to tidying desk, will start that tomorrow first thing, after school run.


Has anyone successfully qualified for the Nielsen panel? I was invited to so I completed a lengthy survey and then it told me they already had enough people with my demographic.


Keeping positive ++++++++++++
xx

edpvito

You sound really positive about it all.

Keep up the good work, its going to take you some time but the process will be so much easier now you are facing it head on. Its the nagging feeling of having one's head in the sand that is the worst.

NoOneAround

Sat down with daughter last night to finalise accommodation for university and try and get her to do a budget sheet to work out what she can and can't do until she organises a part time job.


Only gets minimal student loan and it does not even cover accommodation. However, we asked to pay by 8 DD instalments instead of beginning of each term, so that gives us a bit a breathing space until November to increase income, and we won't have to fork out close to £1000 all in one go. She cried and that made me cry despite me trying to stay positive (for me and for them). Tried to explain to her that there will be loads of other students in same boat with no money. The disadvantage of have been independent education is that so many of her friends are getting such a big allowance, some haven't even applied for student loans. Have explained to her that that will not be the "norm" at uni.


She couldn't sleep again for worry. Have said to her will buy her a Fresher's week pass for £60 so that she doesn't have to buy individual tickets for events in her first week.


Need to start using ebay/gumtree for selling toys/books and excess stuff lying around cluttering cupboards. Extra task for today - take photos for at least 10 items.


Feeling sad.

NoOneAround

Just checked business account and client who should have paid last week has just paid invoice so £1500 in account at the moment which covers Septembers DD's and diesel/groceries :T
(but not enough to put aside for tax or any surplus).... At least will not need to go to Building Soc to transfer over from child benefit (£600 saved for school extras and unexpected emergencies several coming up eg dishwasher and washing machine on last legs, and car has an intermittent fault).


One step at a time.

mfmaybe

Hi, just posting to offer some support. It's a long time ago now, but I was like your daughter in some way. Private education at a great cost to my parents. But as soon as I went to Uni they took a hard stance. Get a job, pay your own way, you're an adult now. This tough love did me no harm, and I quickly realised the value of a £. And as you said, Uni isn't full of privileged rich kids. I hope you don't mind me saying that your daughter needs to stop emotionally blackmailing you!

It's hard to turn off the tap, but she is old enough to understand the gravity of the situation. Quite simply, you can't afford to support her the way she would like!

I'm sorry if I sound harsh but it's done with the best intentions. Best of luck with your journey to being debt free. You are definitely in the right place to get all the advice you need.

(One thing, re the glasses. MSE usually has a link to good deals from Glasses Direct. I got 2 pretty cool pairs for £30. This compares rather well to the previous 2 that I paid £400 for!! I agree glasses are a necessity, but there's always a deal to be had! Are you using cash back sites like TCB and Quidco?) I realise you've bought them now but just pointing out you could have saved some money. Ask here if you can't find anything, someone will have a trick!

brizzledfw

Hiya

Glad you are not setting unrealistic expectations with your DD..she chose (?) not to get a job and as a result that will make this first term harder, but then she needs to buckle down and get one.

Do have a look at those insurances..surely you can get better than that? Is there a health reason for it? And the heating bill? Anyway can you just use less? Do you have a tumble dryer? We got rid of ours a few years ago and it definitely makes a difference. Blankets/throws on sofas are a good move too (and look nice)

We have a BM - very good, even for dough etc. Buy your flour in bulk, (we often have a sack in the larder) and I am sure you will find it cheaper. The BM even makes a passable banana bread.

Today I shopped for a few bits. Spent £1.82 on milk, celery, carrots as local store had no mince. Was initially peeved but then realised this was a result as I would have to make lentil lasagne using lentils from larder (originally purchased from a local Indian supermarket so will have been a very frugal purchase in the first place). Dug out the Rose Elliott Veggie Cookbook (purchased for me when I went to uni so very very old ) and have made two. 2-3 meals sorted. Will have cost me pennies.

How about making a lentil lasagne too?

BTW have wondered whether to mention it, but I am still struggling with your sending your kids to private school when you are in this fix, and completely concur with others objecting to your saying that you are somehow failing as a parent if you fail to continue this. Only 7% of the population go to ind. school and for those of us in well respected professions and on (yes embarassed to admit it, but I earn what is a huge wage really for what I do) good salaries and who went to state school it feels like you are looking at things down the wrong end of the telescope. If it helps, I am an ex- commercial lawyer (I dabble in other stuff these days ) and my sister is a hospital consultant, my OH has a PhD..yadda yadda and we all went to the local comp. I wouldn't change it for the world and my kids go to their local secondary school too. DD2 started today in fact. Yes it fights to achieve government floor targets but they are stellar, committed teachers and fantastic, aspirational kids, who in some cases, arrrived in the UK with nothing. Bl==dy brilliant role models for the rest for the cohort if you ask me....anyway not meaning to rant (honest ) but just wanting you to really examine why you are doing what you are doing and whether you need to be bold and determined and brave and radical

Oh..and in the meantime, speak to the Bursar!!

NoOneAround

mfmaybe wrote: »

Hi, just posting to offer some support. It's a long time ago now, but I was like your daughter in some way. Private education at a great cost to my parents. But as soon as I went to Uni they took a hard stance. Get a job, pay your own way, you're an adult now. This tough love did me no harm, and I quickly realised the value of a £. And as you said, Uni isn't full of privileged rich kids. I hope you don't mind me saying that your daughter needs to stop emotionally blackmailing you!

It's hard to turn off the tap, but she is old enough to understand the gravity of the situation. Quite simply, you can't afford to support her the way she would like!


I'm sorry if I sound harsh but it's done with the best intentions. Best of luck with your journey to being debt free. You are definitely in the right place to get all the advice you need.


Thank you Mfmaybe.....Not harsh at all so please don't apologise - she has known for months that we won't be able to support her fully! We are taking a hard stance, hence the budgeting session last night. She doesn't usually use emotional blackmail, has cost us very little over the summer as we couldn't give her money to go away with friends etc and she's not complained once. She has spent time helping family (my sister moved house) and is volunteering at college. Plus she has already contacted the university careers office who have sent links for local jobs and can help her find job once she actually starts there.


The Feeling sad bit is my state of mind, not her reaction making me feel that way:o as finding it hard to let go etc etc....am sure there are many parents who feel that when children leave home debt or no debt.

(One thing, re the glasses. MSE usually has a link to good deals from Glasses Direct. I got 2 pretty cool pairs for £30. This compares rather well to the previous 2 that I paid £400 for!! I agree glasses are a necessity, but there's always a deal to be had! Are you using cash back sites like TCB and Quidco?) I realise you've bought them now but just pointing out you could have saved some money. Ask here if you can't find anything, someone will have a trick!

Thank You! Will look at this for glasses next time! Mine will need replacing soon The frames were quite cheap but she has a really strong prescription so it was thinner lens which cost £50 (for weight of glasses as well as appearance).


I am not currently using cashback sites - will look into that too. Used to get points on credit cards for vouchers etc ....Saved these up for years on my main credit card when we used to pay off in full and got £500 in currys vouchers last year :j which we used to replace household item that died eg hoover, still have some left for when washing machine dies.

NoOneAround

brizzledfw wrote: »

Hiya

Glad you are not setting unrealistic expectations with your DD..she chose (?) not to get a job and as a result that will make this first term harder, but then she needs to buckle down and get one.

Do have a look at those insurances..surely you can get better than that? Is there a health reason for it? And the heating bill? Anyway can you just use less? Do you have a tumble dryer? We got rid of ours a few years ago and it definitely makes a difference. Blankets/throws on sofas are a good move too (and look nice)

Hi Brizzledfw, thanks again for taking time to follow and post. I have dug out all the policies now and need to go through them - they were all taken out about 8-10 years ago. Did get quotes through PayPlan when I first looked at getting advice (WARNING story here ref PayPLan....will post later) and they got something together that was about £40 less. I never proceeded with it because I felt they were using my situation to make a profit, they even tried to give me a secured loan and I got so close to signing.... luckily I phoned a debt charity for a second opinion.

Have emailed bursary and waiting for them to get back to me with an appointment.:) worth a try.

Heating bill - our annual bill is 3x what it used to be due to oil prices in recent years - it used to be the cheapest form of heating when we first moved here (no mains gas). We only put it on manually when needed and heat rooms that we use as all have individual controls/thermostats. Temp is set at 17-18 and I never have heating on when I am home alone. Have throws and blankets on sofa all year round. Water is also only on for 2 hours am and 2-3 hours pm. Stopped using tumble dryer years ago - it cut 20% of electricity bill and always dry on washing line - much prefer it! The only time water and heating is on extravagantly is at Christmas when my parents come to stay for a week - in their seventies and really feel the cold. Down stairs is quite open plan so hard to heat. We never have heating on overnight. Not sure what more we can do really.:(


We have a BM - very good, even for dough etc. Buy your flour in bulk, (we often have a sack in the larder) and I am sure you will find it cheaper. The BM even makes a passable banana bread.

Will need to look at buying one ...everyone who uses one seems to recommend it - have currys or Tesco vouchers.
Today I shopped for a few bits. Spent £1.82 on milk, celery, carrots as local store had no mince. Was initially peeved but then realised this was a result as I would have to make lentil lasagne using lentils from larder (originally purchased from a local Indian supermarket so will have been a very frugal purchase in the first place). Dug out the Rose Elliott Veggie Cookbook (purchased for me when I went to uni so very very old ) and have made two. 2-3 meals sorted. Will have cost me pennies.

How about making a lentil lasagne too?

Have really tried hard on the groceries and am really please with myself. I can make minimum three family of 4meals from a roast chicken costing £7-8 (roast, wraps or stir fry, sandwich fillings) them I make stock (my sister gave me a lovely big slow cooker for my birthday 2-3 years ago) from carcasses to use in soups and casseroles. I use lentils a lot, as well as chickpeas, butterbeans etc. I buy 10kg bags of onions and buy garlic/ginger in bulk and freeze etc. This week I got 3 meals out of a 500g pack of mince (bolognaise, lasagne, sheperds pie) al bulked out with pulses /beans/veggies. Have also started using frozen veg more as less waste and try to buy seasonal stuff only, and keep meat to a couple of times a week (which husband hates!!!!:mad:) Luckily kids love pasta so do lots of pasta dishes.

BTW have wondered whether to mention it, but I am still struggling with your sending your kids to private school when you are in this fix, and completely concur with others objecting to your saying that you are somehow failing as a parent if you fail to continue this. Only 7% of the population go to ind. school and for those of us in well respected professions and on (yes embarassed to admit it, but I earn what is a huge wage really for what I do) good salaries and who went to state school it feels like you are looking at things down the wrong end of the telescope. If it helps, I am an ex- commercial lawyer (I dabble in other stuff these days ) and my sister is a hospital consultant, my OH has a PhD..yadda yadda and we all went to the local comp. I wouldn't change it for the world and my kids go to their local secondary school too. DD2 started today in fact. Yes it fights to achieve government floor targets but they are stellar, committed teachers and fantastic, aspirational kids, who in some cases, arrrived in the UK with nothing. Bl==dy brilliant role models for the rest for the cohort if you ask me....anyway not meaning to rant (honest ) but just wanting you to really examine why you are doing what you are doing and whether you need to be bold and determined and brave and radical

I know that people might find the schooling hard to swallow. I went to a comp from age 11-13 from where top streams were automatically transferred to a grammar school (free on those days!) and we all did very well and I have loads of friends and colleagues whose children are in state schools and doing very well, and all nieces and nephews go to local state schools. In fact I was told early on that my daughter would do well wherever she went. The reason we ended up in the private school system is that my daughter was really badly bullied at primary school between ages 8-11. I ignored it and did nothing about it advising her to "just ignore them" etc etc until one day she got up and refused to go to school. She went from being a confident bubbly outgoing child to a total introvert - to scared to do or say anything and so insecure that she had panic attacks if I was 5 minutes late picking her up from after school club. The school never acknowledge the bullying --would only refer to it as "friendship issues"......So From my point of view that's when I did the drastic bold and determined thing - to move into private education even though we had never intended to or planned financially for it. And it was still the best thing that I did for her at that time - because she blossomed in a place where it was OK to be bright and to work hard and to like school. Lots more to this story but I hope it explains that we are not education "snobs" in fact quite the very VERY opposite Hoping that we can get through next 3 years and then pay big time into debts and be free in next 8-10 years.