Spent 4 years pretending it's all OK

NoOneAround

Total mortgage £210K (96K on interest only with no repayment vehicle)
Total debt unsecured loans/cc's/overdrafts £72,207
Total borrowed from Mum and Dad £19,100
Total borrowed from sister 20K (her house deposit) but I have shares which are her security when she is ready to buy her own place.

Buffythedebtslayer

This is just me unable to sleep despite being tired! jumping in with some ideas.


1. Prioritise what needs paying first. So Mortgage and household bills.


2. Which debts are highest interest? Can you make minimum payments? Do that. Am assuming Stepchange have a plan here?


3. How can you make extra money?


that is the good bit believe it or not! where you feel in control, like you can influence events and figures.
A lodger sounds like a start, selling everything - as Brizzled suggests, at first it seems time consuming and you wonder if it is worth it but the key to this whole thing is that every single hard earned penny counts, from the pennies found down the back of the sofa to the surprise e bay sales that save your bacon. You do need it all. Leave no stone unturned, furniture, books, CDs, DVDs, broken jewellery. boot sales, preloved, gumtree,


Then it is on to your skills, can you sew? repair clothes, knit, bake? pet sit? baby sit? house sit? dog walk? write? do the school run? sell old uniform? old phones? laptops? anything!


Every time you tidy something up, repair something, re use or sell you are helping your situation.


I found when I had scary amounts of debt that I had to do something each day to feel like I was making progress.


take care XXX


Written with apologies to Brizzled who pretty much said all of this! sorry half asleep and pondering XX

muppets

Thanks for posting on my diary, just wanted to stop by and offer my support. Good luck with ur debt journey.

NoOneAround

Thanks for posting BuffyTDS and Muppets.


It makes me smile every time I read the name "BuffyThe Debt Slayer" such a positive name - I need to think of one for me Have only recently discovered Buffy - my much younger sister lent her DVDs to my daughter and have watched a few episodes from the second series with her!


Thanks for all you suggestions. I have been nagging kids to take photos of all their old stuff and sell so they can buy their own things but guess what it didn't get done. I need to take control and do it myself. Was disappointed in my daughter that she didn't get her act together to get a summer job after A Levels so that she could have a pot of money for herself. But over the last few weeks have realised how much our situation has affected her - she hardly ever asks to go out so has missed a lot this year, but she will get a part time job whilst at uni to top up her student loan.


I have applied for quite a few of the general type jobs over the summer - mostly on gumtree but don't get replies back - I guess hundreds of people must be applying? Will keep trying.


HURRAY!!!!!HAVE JUST HAD A CALL FROM SCHOOL I AM BANK STAFF AT FOR 6HOURS OF ADMIN WORK ON MONDAY =£54 :j
Also I repair own clothes and reuse as much as poss - but didn't think of doing it for others -Thank you!
Did have a table top sale Last year and made £60 from old toys no longer needed, need to sort out another sale like that!
Love making things but intention is always there to do a stall for Christmas but I spend so much time helping others (which I love doing and get a real buzz from) that I neglect on affairs....it's a way of forgetting and feeling 'useful' rather than feeling like a failure and having let my children down so badly.


Since debt started escalating 3-4 years ago (0% periods on cards ran out but debts not reduced, and no room left to shuffle from one card to another) relationship with hubby very poor... whenever I tried to talk to him about it he'd just get angry and be negative, so we'd end up shouting at each other. So though he knew there was a problem, he never sat down and looked at the figures with me. So for 4 years now I have been lying awake at night with heart racing, head spinning, sinking feeling at the bottom of my stomach, too exhausted to get up and do anything but unable to sleep more than 2-3 hours a night.


I have old LPs in the loft we kept--- need to find someone who collects vinyls and try and sell those!


So sorry about lengthy posts...it feels quite therapeutic putting it down on paper even if puts people off reading it!


Thank you everyone
xxxxx

maggiecon

I had same problems with OH regarding debt, people just deal with things differently. I sat down and worked out a budget for us, The basis of which is every pound of income has a purpose, I put this all down on paper for him and left him to read it in his own time This avoided any conversation escalating into an argument. It detailed how the wages would be broke down into groceries, debt busting, direct debits etc.


I allowed him £20 a week as his "pocket money" and he gives me his wages every week to implement the budget. He starts to get angry when I tell him what our debt is, purely because that is his coping mechanism. Since I have implemented our new budget, I can now sleep at night and I am a lot more relaxed. Hubby is happier too as he knows the debts are getting paid. I know you probably need your husband to help you right now, but if you at least make a start on your budget and have a plan of attack, it might make the plan easier for him to buy into and allow him to relax a bit more too.

I would recommend reading the tips on www.youneedabudget.com. I didn't buy the software I just downloaded a free app to keep track of my money, but my budget is based on the advice this website give.


Good Luck

hohum

NoOneAround wrote: »

Thanks for posting BuffyTDS and Muppets.


It makes me smile every time I read the name "BuffyThe Debt Slayer" such a positive name - I need to think of one for me Have only recently discovered Buffy - my much younger sister lent her DVDs to my daughter and have watched a few episodes from the second series with her!


Thanks for all you suggestions. I have been nagging kids to take photos of all their old stuff and sell so they can buy their own things but guess what it didn't get done. I need to take control and do it myself. Was disappointed in my daughter that she didn't get her act together to get a summer job after A Levels so that she could have a pot of money for herself. But over the last few weeks have realised how much our situation has affected her - she hardly ever asks to go out so has missed a lot this year, but she will get a part time job whilst at uni to top up her student loan.


I have applied for quite a few of the general type jobs over the summer - mostly on gumtree but don't get replies back - I guess hundreds of people must be applying? Will keep trying.


HURRAY!!!!!HAVE JUST HAD A CALL FROM SCHOOL I AM BANK STAFF AT FOR 6HOURS OF ADMIN WORK ON MONDAY =£54 :j
Also I repair own clothes and reuse as much as poss - but didn't think of doing it for others -Thank you!
Did have a table top sale Last year and made £60 from old toys no longer needed, need to sort out another sale like that!
Love making things but intention is always there to do a stall for Christmas but I spend so much time helping others (which I love doing and get a real buzz from) that I neglect on affairs....it's a way of forgetting and feeling 'useful' rather than feeling like a failure and having let my children down so badly.


Since debt started escalating 3-4 years ago (0% periods on cards ran out but debts not reduced, and no room left to shuffle from one card to another) relationship with hubby very poor... whenever I tried to talk to him about it he'd just get angry and be negative, so we'd end up shouting at each other. So though he knew there was a problem, he never sat down and looked at the figures with me. So for 4 years now I have been lying awake at night with heart racing, head spinning, sinking feeling at the bottom of my stomach, too exhausted to get up and do anything but unable to sleep more than 2-3 hours a night.


I have old LPs in the loft we kept--- need to find someone who collects vinyls and try and sell those!


So sorry about lengthy posts...it feels quite therapeutic putting it down on paper even if puts people off reading it!


Thank you everyone
xxxxx

I'm sorry you've been shouldering this alone for so long!

Re OH - my boyfriend did the sound and fury re money. Not just debt, any discussion re money! I came to realise that he was really scared by it, plus had memories of his parents fighting about money and he hates confrontation. In his head, talking about money meant anxiety, blame & arguments. It was hard work.

Once I understood that and got more confident about handling our financial situation however, it was like a switch flipped in my head. He could storm all he liked, but he wasn't going to distract me from having a conversation with him about the budget. It just didn't make me react in the same way any more. In fact it made me more determined that I was not giving up. It was definitely out of love rather than anger.

After a few more shouty encounters, we are able to discuss money now. I have to keep it short and sweet, he's not going to enjoy geeking out over numbers like I do, but we can at least talk about it and know what's going on without having to go through the rigmarole of 'let's have an argument' everytime I want to discuss paying back x/ not able to pay back x.

Focus on getting more confident yourself. Once you feel more in control of the situation and more supported, you may feel up to weathering the stormy conversations.

lucielle

Hi NOA
I remeber those feelings well. Haven't got much advice to give as others have said it for me. We had a lot of debt, which is now gone, so it can be done. Good luck.
L

brizzledfw

hohum wrote: »

I'm sorry you've been shouldering this alone for so long!

Re OH - my boyfriend did the sound and fury re money. Not just debt, any discussion re money! I came to realise that he was really scared by it, plus had memories of his parents fighting about money and he hates confrontation. In his head, talking about money meant anxiety, blame & arguments. It was hard work.

Once I understood that and got more confident about handling our financial situation however, it was like a switch flipped in my head. He could storm all he liked, but he wasn't going to distract me from having a conversation with him about the budget. It just didn't make me react in the same way any more. In fact it made me more determined that I was not giving up. It was definitely out of love rather than anger.

After a few more shouty encounters, we are able to discuss money now. I have to keep it short and sweet, he's not going to enjoy geeking out over numbers like I do, but we can at least talk about it and know what's going on without having to go through the rigmarole of 'let's have an argument' everytime I want to discuss paying back x/ not able to pay back x.

Focus on getting more confident yourself. Once you feel more in control of the situation and more supported, you may feel up to weathering the stormy conversations.

Blimey..Hohum..do we have the same partner :rotfl:....have to say NooneThere..he WAS like this and then he had a LBM last summer (lovely folks on here know all about it) June 4th I think it was ..and glory of glories...this week he has even been struggling with YNAB, our new budget software with me..and guess what, enjoying it!! As Buffy and Lucielle say, debt shifting can be done and it sounds like you are determined, which is a massive start.

Keep on going, and keep posting

PS. Buffy..never apologise Your words of wisdom are always welcomed on these boards

NoOneAround

Here goes as I brace myself


Mortgage = 1299.....fixed till next year
C Tax= 156
Electricity=80........reviewed 4 months ago need to check again
Water=22
Oil=185 for hotwater/heating -we are really carefully with heating
Calor Gas=7
House Insurance=36 (managed to slash in half!)
TV=13
Landline/internet=45 required for business
Mobiles x3 =44 (daughter going to uni therefore needs one too)
Life insurance=230 (need to look into this as policies from several years ago)
Road Tax=40
Car Insurance=76 (couldn't get cheaper)
Diesel=380 (high as two cars, OH needs for work, live in rural area, no buses)
Servicing/breakdown cover=112
DenPlan=56
Contact lens/glasses=27 (all4 of us where glasses)
Groceries/homestuff=300 (reduced from 500+)
drycleaning=4
School fees=1345
Clthing/shoes=18
Business software=80
business website=30
national insurance=24
token payment towards debt= 30 as advised by stepchange
Total outgoings = 4639
Total income as at today = 4200 (employment 3000, self-employment varies each month)
currently no rental income - this is what has made up the difference over the past 3-4 years


Need to fund monthly shortfall urgently.
2 new clients confirmed work today (£2500 before tax)..wont get this probably till end Sept

NoOneAround

Thanks you Hohum Lucielle maggiecon Brizzledfw


Sharing you experiences and how you have coped really helps. Over and over I try to keep positive and you get good days and bad days. I am really good at being positive for others, just find it hard to practice what I preach for myself. AS you say need to build up my own confidence and believe that I can do it....


Have posted my SOA ( am starting to pick up the jargon!)


What I haven't added to that is that we will also need to start supporting my daughter at university as she has only been given the minimum maintenance loan due to previous years earnings, and it won't even pay her accommodation cost. Next month we will have about £700 extra expenditure (bus pass, £200 top up accommodation £200, laptop 250-300) until she gets to uni and sorts out a part time job.....


Oh and I went out today and jogged for 15 minutes..... new me on the way
xxxxx