Spent 4 years pretending it's all OK

jvr

Fab news on all those pockets of money NOA!

NoOneAround

Thank you all - will reply to each properly later

On money front -
Car in dealer garage to have it checked out will be min £85 plus whatever it costs to fix what's wrong
but happy (maybe?) that have got confirmed work from tomorrow until just before Christmas in the two part time jobs so should be £1000+ extra coming in for December. Will be exhausting though as this is on top of SE work - some projects still needing completing, sent off two more quotes for more referral enquiries this week. So all looking positive as long as I can keep up the pace. DH been such a pillar of strength in taking on a lot of the SE work in addition to his own full time employment to fill my slack. Won't be much time for fun as weekends will be for visiting mum.

Chev, yes his grades are brill all round, DS has been offered an academic scholarship without needing to sit the exams but it is only a drop in the ocean in terms of monetary value - 5% and we are right on borderline for bursary support but were refused it a few years ago, due to equity in house - which we can't access because we don't earn enough to qualify for bigger mortgage even if we wanted to

NOA
xx

Bobarella

Wow, you'd think a scholarship would cover the whole place. That's crazy.

brizzledfw

Just popping by NOA....hope today is a good day for you xx

NoOneAround

chevalier wrote: »

There is no fixed way of grieving.

My step dad was a real rock when I could have easily gone off the rails. He died suddenly with no warning. That was 16 years ago and every now and then I will hear something that will immediately make me think about tell him, and then I remember and feel pretty sad, maybe even shed a tear.

My actual dad died can't remember how many years ago. 4 or 5, our relationship was strained, I never got the answers I needed about our relationship, or the wedge he drove between me and my siblings. I have had to block him out of my thoughts because otherwise I get so steaming angry with him for dieing, that it really makes me feel quite ill, and it stops me sleeping. So my responses are based on how the interaction is.

You obviously loved your dad very much. You also have had a very stressful time with both your parents, and your own situation. Of course after all the 'little things' have been done around the ritual of death and burial, it will hit you like a train. I would be more worried if you hadn't broken down and felt this bad.

However you will get through it. But make sure you talk about it to someone. Despite my step dad dieing in a tragic accident, my mother didn't get counselling and to be honest it has made my relationship with her very hard. She finds the way we live very difficult also and to be honest I dread her coming over at Christmas because I hate having to grit my teeth for 12 weeks over what should be a jolly time of the year. She arrives next Thursday sigh.

chev

Thank you for sharing you personal experiences Chev.
It is a rollercoaster of emotion. You are absolutely right about the reaction being related to the relationship you have with someone. Sorry that The Christmas has become a difficult time for you. We are just approaching that and everybody is tiptoeing on eggshells, not knowing quite what to do. Mum has said nott o do presents this year though, we'll just do it for the younger kids, try to make it fun for them, but actually not really feeling like doing anything this year. Ds had his 16th and DD had her 21st, and everything has been very low key, Drove up to see DD for her birthday and cried all the way, (but not when I was with her). I couldn't get the picture of my Dad holding her for the first time (his first grandchild) out of my head. Haven't thought about formal counselling really, just talking with siblings.

Hope that the holiday period goes smoothly and peacefully for you.
NOA
x

NoOneAround

Igamogam wrote: »

Hello!

Your reaction to the death of your father is all normal......people handle grief and bereavement in as many ways as there are people! You will find your own way. There are formal routes - counselling, not for everyone. Private and internalising ways. Sharing with friends. Sharing with family. Writing it down.Not writing it down. Throwing yourself into something. Hiding from the world..............and so it goes on. In truth I think people take a dip in and out of all of the above - and time is a factor. IMHO I dont think you ever 'get over it'. I hate that word/phrase 'closure' too! Its like as if the person you are grieving has been locked away:mad: I do think it fades and becomes part of you and your new 'normal' state though. Think the Queen was attributed with the phrase that 'grief is the price you pay for love'..might be misquoting the old girl there...but its true.

My mother died very young. I have now out lived her by 4 years. We share the same birthday. She died before my youngest child was born and 23 years on I still have those moments of I wish I had, why didn't I, what if.........guilt is all part of it. I think of her every day. Sometimes I cry. Sometimes I am angry. Sometimes I laugh out loud and sometimes I just smile.

"Guilt is perhaps the most painful companion to death." - Elisabeth Kubler-Ross.

Last week there was a story running across the media about a dog being taken on his final walk on his favourite beach in Cornwall........I cried and cried and cried. Not for the dog, but for me, my mum, the family feud that will never be healed - regret and guilt and grief all in one. One thing is for certain you just never know when its going to pop up!

So you are all new to this. Find your way and dont beat yourself up about whatever way that is. And I know you like a good quote so here is another one;)

"What we have once enjoyed deeply we can never lose. All that we love deeply becomes a part of us." - Helen Keller

Thank you too for sharing your personal experience Igamogam. I sometimes wonder how people have coped with such an early loss of a parent. I just can't imagine it, and I can't imagine ever getting "over it". We have now also scattered my fathers ashes, the final physical parting is done. I totally relate to your reaction to the dog story. I still can't go outside without crying upon seeing something beautiful - sunset, colours of autumn, flowers, everything makes me think of him.
Thank you for the quotes, I do collect them I did not know the first was attributed to the queen! thank you for those. Helen Keller esp. I also find the poem "Do not stand by my grave and weep" by Mary Frye very comforting.

I have found in RL too, that it is those people who have suffered the same loss that truly understand what you are going through, and that it is not something that will just be forgotten about in a few weeks/months. So now it gets awkward when someone says " you don't look so good - what's wrong?"

NOA
x

NoOneAround

Buffythedebtslayer wrote: »

I tried to write something but everything just sounds stupid and obvious. I am sending you love. I always imagine you live in a lovely old house with a nice view and I am thinking of us just having a cup of tea together take care XXXXXXX

That is just the loveliest thought Buffy.

The bestest of friends are those that you can sit with in quiet companionship and understanding, without feeling the need to fill silences.
Not very old but old enough, Victorian.

so you can picture a little of where we are enjoying tea, in the porch, by a beautiful pink rose bush (grown from a cutting from mum and dad's garden)

NOA
x

NoOneAround

jvr wrote: »

Fab news on all those pockets of money NOA!

Thanks Jvr, and for your other posts too, so appreciate your support.

Bobarella wrote: »

Wow, you'd think a scholarship would cover the whole place. That's crazy.

I know Bob, it is crazy, but bursary support is means tested and apparently we don't qualify. I sometimes think that if we paid an accountant to do our accounts it would be different...... Not quite sure how some families have managed to get it other than by creative accounting!. Anyway, I am just grateful we are in work and surviving

brizzledfw wrote: »

Just popping by NOA....hope today is a good day for you xx

Hi Brizzle, thanks for popping in am home alone today nursing very bad cold, can't seem to shake it off, but at least I have had some time to log in here

NOA
xx

NoOneAround

General Update,

BT Broadband change hasn't gone through, have chased twice, various excuses, somehow order got cancelled due to wrong address - ? - we have only been with them for 20+ years? Can't be bothered at the moment to chase again

Car was at dealership -they thought they found out what was wrong and fixed it but the new part made no difference to how it ran so they took it out again, Everything was OK for a week, now same fault happening occasionally again. Was impressed they did not charge for all the work last time (bill only cam top £140ish as opposed to expected £500+) but will need to take it back into garage again at some point.

Have lost two days work this week due to be home with heavy cold, I think everything has just caught up with me now, and I feel like totally wiped out, can't shake of this cold/chesty cough.

Three more quotes have come off so this year there has been a steady stream of work, even though we had to turn down the big project in the city. There has been enough in the bank for me not to check at regular intervals and move money around, a godsend considering I was in no frame of mind to juggle all the trivia of life over the last 3 months.

Have just sent invoices for over £4K, hopefully they will be made during December, which will mean we are OK for all bills till end Jan (though haven't sorted out tax liability yet). DH has helped so much these last few months.

Desperately need new clothes, as am wearing same old same old to work all the time. am in between sizes for trousers , 12 too tight when stomach bloated (much of th time) 14 too big everywhere else

One of the creditors has slapped on interest in last statement, need to write to them at some point, because I had understood it had been frozen. £100 in charges/interest wipes out my £70 /month payment to all creditors.

Need to order oil before the Christmas rush on deliveries.
Need to get accounts started to get ready for tax returns, but can't focus today, eyes keep watering.

Think we need a nice holiday to somewhere warm next year. Maybe take mum with us. She hasn't been anywhere for years as would never leave dad.

NOA
x

Bobarella

A holiday is a lovely thought to focus on NOA.