Spent 4 years pretending it's all OK

NoOneAround

Thanks Bob and Chev. Hope you are both well.
Day at home today, first in ages.
Have had a busy morning washing up (dishwasher still not sorted ) from last two nights - tutorial evenings, AL choices etc etc.
Old freezer packed up so it has been turned off, and a load of food chucked out - lost over £100. iT was really badly iced up as door must have been left slightly open while I was awy in September/Oct. Mopped utility and kitchen floors, it had been too long
Third load of clothes in, trying to get ahead as weekend will be down at Mum's again.
Caught up on some paperwork, invoiced a couple of clients.
Food for tomorrow simmering away.
Booked in car at dealer garage to have intermittent issue from long while back looked at week after next (10-long wait as need courtesy car).
Need o go get another headlight bulb replaced at garage now before it gets dark, it's the other side this time
Called home and we had a good cry.
But all in all been quite a productive day so far.

NOAxx

Bobarella

Oh no sorry to hear that about the lost food.

You are doing so well keeping going NOA.

NoOneAround

Thanks Bob.
A very grey wet cold morning here. Lack of sleep and fatigue have made me very forgetful, I am starting all sorts of things and not finishing much, so today am just going to potter, clear dining room table (hasn't been used for over two months therefore has become a general storage area for everything:(). Have put soggy muddy rugby kit from Saturday in to wash, might need to go through twice!
Don't need to cook today as came home with goodie bag full from mum, she cooked extra yesterday so I would be sorted for today. She is starting to venture out into town, and tries to get out for a walk every day. The days drag for her as for 10 years she has run around doing everything, full time caring, and now has nothing to do, and the nights are even longer. Given some time I'll look into some classes she might consider going to etc.

Will need to do a mega session of filing as desk is piled high, probably mostly rubbish but I no longer remember what's there, I just know that I have done essentials. Tax returns looming but I must get them done by end of December this year so that DH tax goes through his tax code - I didn't realise that there was an earlier deadline last year.

Have had another 3 or 4 enquiries from referrals by other clients - all good but feel a bit inundated. Can't turn it down though, you have to take SE work when its there.
Need to go through finances again, we are about to make decision that DS stays where he is for 6th form, which will mean two more years of fees, after which we will then be able to throw everything at mortgage. Things are going very well for him at the moment, and it feel wrong to pull the plug now. Have a week before we need to commit.

Need to make a list now and get on, it will hopefully clear some space in my head at the same time.

Hope everyone has a good week.

NOA
xx

Bobarella

It must be very strange for your mum right now trying to get used to being on her own. You really are doing all you can to help.I hope you realise you are a good daughter.

NoOneAround

Thanks Bob:). But still nothing seems adequate enough.
Got a few things done yesterday but today is a write-off. I wish I was at work really. It's easier than being home alone.

feel like going to bed, so might just watch day time on sofa and might fall asleep. a while yet to pick up time.

Puzzcat

Hi Noah,

Take some time for you..

Love Puzz. x

Bobarella

Sorry today has been hard.

NoOneAround

Thanks for popping by Bob & Puzz.


I am writing lists, lots of them and have put them in different rooms, so that each time I am feel unable to do something I can pick something small (5-10 mins) & tick it off, and I can see that I am doing something, and moving forwards.

For anyone not want not wanting to read a depressing post please stop now. I'm just writing it here to help me get it off my chest, it's easier to write than say in RL.

Have spent last two months doing practical things and this week has been the hardest yet. Last two days have achieved nothing to speak of, in total apathy. It's hard because everyone around you has expressed their sorrow, sent cards and flowers, and moved on. Have spent the last two months trying not to break down. Deep breaths, clenching jaw so that mouth doesn't quiver, staring hard and not blinking so tears don't escape. Now all the practicalities have been dealt with, just one thing left to do, and it has finally hit me, like a huge boulder crashing down and pinning me down. I really had no idea, this is worse than when I lost a baby through miscarriage. That was so painful, but I was able to let go and move on, try again and happily a year later DD had a new baby brother, and painful though it is, I always think that DS wouldn't be here, and maybe that baby is DS. Losing Dad however, feels so final, at the moment. The slightest thing sets me off, so am avoiding going out or seeing people at the moment. It will soon be the day he would have turned 75, maybe that's why I feeling so bad. I want to get to the point where I can just talk about the loving, kind generous man he was, without breaking down. He knew he was leaving, I just wish we could have brought him home. He hated hospitals. I wish that his last couple of years had not been so hard and lonely for him. I wish that certain members of his family (his siblings), for whom he did so much, had not used him and hurt him so much. He only realised in the last few months, or perhaps he knew but would not admit to it. I have so much resentment towards them now, which I don't want to have (it's not what my dad was about) but can't help. Mum feels the same way too. And it is hard not to, it is hard to try and be how dad would have wanted us to be. I wish that two of my siblings who have clashed with each other, would see that he would want them to find their peace. I looked back through some photos, and I hadn't realised quite for how long he had looked so sad, particularly since his vision declined. I wish he hadn't lost his sight.

Fortune_Smiles

There's no set time for these things Noa - you take all the time you need and do whatever you need to do to get through.

One day at a time.

Sending hugs

Fortune x

NoOneAround

Thank you Fortune.

Have managed to do a few things today.
Washing Up, 2 loads in washing machine, cooked spicy chick pea concoction for tonight.

Written to accept sixth form place for DS.
Paid some overdue invoices that I missed last month.
Decided not to do a stall at school Christmas, to free up time and reduce stress.
Checked dishwasher and found serial number so that I can call engineer.

Now have to go and pick up some basics bread milk salad etc and then sit through school concert DS is playing in tonight, but it is one of those with 50 acts to sit through. Feel I need to go as have not managed to get to anything to support DS this term. Will find a seat at the back somewhere and hopefully avoid chit chat:o

NOA
xx