Spent 4 years pretending it's all OK

Bobarella

Hope the concert was enjoyable NOA.

jvr

Hi NOA,


The delayed reaction to feeling the grief in its full form is so normal! Do you have anyone in RL you can talk to about it? Even if talking is just crying? You will get to the stage when you can happily reminisce about him but it doesn't happen quickly and please remember it has not been that long at all.
Hope the concert is good and look after yourself!

NoOneAround

Thank Bob & jvr

The concert was actually quite nice. It was quite easy to listen and think nothing. I tried to arrive late and creep in the back but as soon as I sat down, one of the mums I hadn't yet seen, came over and sat next to me asking how I was. As I have avoided most people, I hadn't realised that her father also died over the summer, the shock of hearing that helped me not break down at school, there I was in my own little bubble, not knowing. She was actually relieved, she said, as he was over 90, and had full blown dementia, so no longer knew anyone, which was extremely painful for the family. She also had lots of other news and chatted away between the performances, so it made it very easy.

jvr I have seen a couple of close friends and I did just that, but during the week everyone is busy in work routines - as my main work is work from home, this week I have been alone at home, all day, so not easy to distract myself. I also phone siblings, we all live too far apart for the real hugs. I haven't replied to individual posts for a while but just wanted to say Thank you for joining in, I think I have seen in the lists you have a diary, will look it up:)

NOA
x

NoOneAround

Forgot to add - did one thing from my Money makeover list...
signed up to new Broadband deal - not much choice re supplier due to location but got £5/month reduction on what we are currently paying. Knew our contract had ended and have had reminders, but it was over 2 years ago!:eek:

NoOneAround

Just been filing receipts and came across various ones that reminded me of the TCB site. Just logged in and checked and there is nearly £80 I if taken in vouchers, just nearly £75 for a cash BACS transfer:)
then just logged onto nectar for first time in ages, and £20 to claim on that:) nicely surprised.

Off to bed now, DS doing Rugby early again, off to see mum tomorrow after I have dropped him off.
xx
Have a lovely wekend

chevalier

There is no fixed way of grieving.

My step dad was a real rock when I could have easily gone off the rails. He died suddenly with no warning. That was 16 years ago and every now and then I will hear something that will immediately make me think about tell him, and then I remember and feel pretty sad, maybe even shed a tear.

My actual dad died can't remember how many years ago. 4 or 5, our relationship was strained, I never got the answers I needed about our relationship, or the wedge he drove between me and my siblings. I have had to block him out of my thoughts because otherwise I get so steaming angry with him for dieing, that it really makes me feel quite ill, and it stops me sleeping. So my responses are based on how the interaction is.

You obviously loved your dad very much. You also have had a very stressful time with both your parents, and your own situation. Of course after all the 'little things' have been done around the ritual of death and burial, it will hit you like a train. I would be more worried if you hadn't broken down and felt this bad.

However you will get through it. But make sure you talk about it to someone. Despite my step dad dieing in a tragic accident, my mother didn't get counselling and to be honest it has made my relationship with her very hard. She finds the way we live very difficult also and to be honest I dread her coming over at Christmas because I hate having to grit my teeth for 12 weeks over what should be a jolly time of the year. She arrives next Thursday sigh.

chev

Bobarella

NoOneAround wrote: »

Just been filing receipts and came across various ones that reminded me of the TCB site. Just logged in and checked and there is nearly £80 I if taken in vouchers, just nearly £75 for a cash BACS transfer:)
then just logged onto nectar for first time in ages, and £20 to claim on that:) nicely surprised.

Off to bed now, DS doing Rugby early again, off to see mum tomorrow after I have dropped him off.
xx
Have a lovely wekend

What a nice amount to have!! Hope Mum was ok today.

Buffythedebtslayer

I tried to write something but everything just sounds stupid and obvious. I am sending you love. I always imagine you live in a lovely old house with a nice view and I am thinking of us just having a cup of tea together take care XXXXXXX

chevalier

The other thing I meant to say last night, was that have you looked at 6th form scholarships for where DS is now? If his grades are good enough (and I think they were pretty good weren't they?), then maybe he could apply for a partial or full scholarship. One less thing to stress about
chev

Igamogam

Hello!

Your reaction to the death of your father is all normal......people handle grief and bereavement in as many ways as there are people! You will find your own way. There are formal routes - counselling, not for everyone. Private and internalising ways. Sharing with friends. Sharing with family. Writing it down.Not writing it down. Throwing yourself into something. Hiding from the world..............and so it goes on. In truth I think people take a dip in and out of all of the above - and time is a factor. IMHO I dont think you ever 'get over it'. I hate that word/phrase 'closure' too! Its like as if the person you are grieving has been locked away:mad: I do think it fades and becomes part of you and your new 'normal' state though. Think the Queen was attributed with the phrase that 'grief is the price you pay for love'..might be misquoting the old girl there...but its true.

My mother died very young. I have now out lived her by 4 years. We share the same birthday. She died before my youngest child was born and 23 years on I still have those moments of I wish I had, why didn't I, what if.........guilt is all part of it. I think of her every day. Sometimes I cry. Sometimes I am angry. Sometimes I laugh out loud and sometimes I just smile.

"Guilt is perhaps the most painful companion to death." - Elisabeth Kubler-Ross.

Last week there was a story running across the media about a dog being taken on his final walk on his favourite beach in Cornwall........I cried and cried and cried. Not for the dog, but for me, my mum, the family feud that will never be healed - regret and guilt and grief all in one. One thing is for certain you just never know when its going to pop up!

So you are all new to this. Find your way and dont beat yourself up about whatever way that is. And I know you like a good quote so here is another one;)

"What we have once enjoyed deeply we can never lose. All that we love deeply becomes a part of us." - Helen Keller