Being friends with an ex.....

System

emsywoo123 wrote: »

Because I didn't realise I was.

You do now.:(

His words "never say never"

But that's man speak for "I don't especially want to crush your dreams but want to offer zero commitment or hope" isn't it

Yes.

PlymouthMaid

I do not find that friends are easily replaced either but not all ex boyfriends will get into the long term friend category. 'Cos I am pretty old now (sob) I can number probably 6-8 serious boyfriends in my past and a number which lasted only a few dates. Of them only two are in the friend camp and one of them is my children's father.

emsywoo123

Thank you all so much for your posts.

I've not heard from him, not have I contacted him.

I hadn't realised I cared so much.

Still, onwards. Life goes on eh.

Peater

Yep, best to cease all contact for a while until you're properly over him.

I keep in contact with a few of my more serious ex's. In some cases we have several mutual friends so there is no point actively trying to avoid one another. We have catch-ups every 6 months or so, or there have been instances where they have contacted me (or vice versa) to ask advice about professional/financial matters.

Unless something has ended really awkwardly or nastily, there is no need to cut these people totally out of your life. You were attracted to them for a reason - it just didn't work out. It seldom does. C'est La Vie!

makeitstop

duchy wrote: »

I'm afraid I agree
He has chosen to end your relationship and is either been very kind in staying in touch until you are over the split OR is playing games and keeping you on a string for now.

Either way the fact you got upset at the thought of him even seeing someone else means that for you right now- staying in regular contact with him is not mentally healthy for you as it is stopping you fully processing the split and moving on.

It is possible to remain friends but there needs to be period of adjustment when you don't have contact to adjust to the new relationship.


If he *is* having second thoughts about ending the relationship then a little more mystery and a little more non availability may wake him up to the fact that if he snoozes he'll lose. Whilst you are constantly available to him, answer his texts within seconds and make it clear he's still a priority in your life he can take his sweet time and leave you hanging. You can't miss someone if they are still there.

So whatever is going on in his head -you are doing yourself no favours with constant contact.

Keep yourself busy restrict contacting him to once or twice a week at most ,less if you can manage it. Text back later not straight away if he texts you. Not in a game playing way but to start to reposition him in your life from central to somewhere further down your list of priorities. At the moment you can't move on (and if he has regrets he's not getting a chance to realize it) and you really need to -regardless of what happens with the two of you in the future -either as friends or anything else. If he does get with someone else at the moment you won't have enough distance to deal with it and it'll likely blow any chance of friendship.

Take a step back from him -it's a win win situation

PS If working abroad for a couple of years is a real possibility and wasn't just a ploy to get his attention then don't discount it because you have children, Living abroad for a couple of years can be wonderful for children too, schools and childcare exist everywhere and could really broaden all of your horizons and prospects.

All of this makes total sense to me.

makeitstop

pickledonionspaceraider wrote: »

He is keeping you dangling OP - cut him off - as you seem to still be emotionally involved with him.

It is not healthy to speak to an ex every day and be so dependant.

I see no reason to remain friends with ex's - I am not friends with any of mine. They are in the past

Yep, I'd have to agree, although it could be argued that he is not doing it intentionally, and so, the "playing games" bit some have suggested may be a bit harsh. It's a massive boost to anyone's ego and self confidence to know that someone you were recently with, still "wants you bigtime."

There are lots of considerations here, but the best thing for the OP's peace of mind is to remove contact altogether, not just cut it down.

If eventually she does move on and past this, she will look back at it and realise that is true.

Good luck Emsy.

emsywoo123

I did well. Really. No, really.

Until I moved onto "angry". Oopsy. I may or may not* have messaged him, explaining that I thought his apathy regarding my potential emigration was rude, and he was thoughtless and a few other well chosen words.

*I did.

Peater

STEP AWAY FROM THE MOBILE PHONE/LAPTOP!

Go cold turkey.

Dozey_crow

:beer:Oh dear... So playing it cool has gone for a Burton then!! 😊. Well never mind.. In some ways it may be therapeutic for you to communicate how you feel and let him know you are hurt and upset. Maybe now you should move on.

I really hope you are not stoking his ego by doing this. If I were you I would message today with something like "apologies for my messages/ outburst yesterday. I realize that I can't be friends with you at this point in time because I'm not ready. Please stop contacting me. I wish you all the best".

With regard to exes I think being friends is OK up to a point. My friend went out with a guy for 18m they split up because it was platonic, she ended it and he was really upset. It was clear to all that he was still in love with her, staring longingly, buying b expensive gifts, constant calls etc. The thing was that as she was alone she saw no harm in doing everything together food shopping, meal out, watching TV, day trips, holidays and sharing tents/ hotel rooms. Obviously he saw this as " progress " as nothing had changed - but it wasn't. My friend saw all this as very normal and then was shocked when friends and neighbor's presumed they were a couple and reacted really angrily. She lost a couple of new boyfriends too because they found the attachment weird (not just as an ex either but because he would stare and follow her around like a puppy). The ex was sulky when there was a new man on the scene. No women were after him because he was obsessed with her. It was a car crash.. Only ended when the ex moved on after being ousted for boyfriend 4, he wasn't willing to wait in the wings again.

I think this can only work if there are no feelings on either side.

Good luck. Xx

emsywoo123

Dozey_crow wrote: »

:beer:Oh dear... So playing it cool has gone for a Burton then!! 😊. Well never mind.. In some ways it may be therapeutic for you to communicate how you feel and let him know you are hurt and upset. Maybe now you should move on.

I really hope you are not stoking his ego by doing this. If I were you I would message today with something like "apologies for my messages/ outburst yesterday. I realize that I can't be friends with you at this point in time because I'm not ready. Please stop contacting me. I wish you all the best".

With regard to exes I think being friends is OK up to a point. My friend went out with a guy for 18m they split up because it was platonic, she ended it and he was really upset. It was clear to all that he was still in love with her, staring longingly, buying b expensive gifts, constant calls etc. The thing was that as she was alone she saw no harm in doing everything together food shopping, meal out, watching TV, day trips, holidays and sharing tents/ hotel rooms. Obviously he saw this as " progress " as nothing had changed - but it wasn't. My friend saw all this as very normal and then was shocked when friends and neighbor's presumed they were a couple and reacted really angrily. She lost a couple of new boyfriends too because they found the attachment weird (not just as an ex either but because he would stare and follow her around like a puppy). The ex was sulky when there was a new man on the scene. No women were after him because he was obsessed with her. It was a car crash.. Only ended when the ex moved on after being ousted for boyfriend 4, he wasn't willing to wait in the wings again.

I think this can only work if there are no feelings on either side.

Good luck. Xx

Since I told him, I feel a weight has been lifted. He's so self involved, and has been unbelievably rude. I have been dealt quite a knock confidence wise, but whatever I think of myself, no one deserves to be treated quite as dismissively now he's bored of me.

He's not the man I thought he was, and I feel an utter mug.