Being friends with an ex.....

marisco_2

Daily contact, bursting into tears at the thought of someone being with anyone else, and holding onto hope of possibly reconciling, is not how you feel about an ex who you are okay about just being friends with. I think you stand to get very hurt unless you prioritise addressing your true feelings. If this guy is someone who you can go on to have a friendship with in time, he will understand that you need some time and space for now.

emsywoo123

marisco wrote: »

Daily contact, bursting into tears at the thought of someone being with anyone else, and holding onto hope of possibly reconciling, is not how you feel about an ex who you are okay about just being friends with. I think you stand to get very hurt unless you prioritise addressing your true feelings. If this guy is someone who you can go on to have a friendship with in time, he will understand that you need some time and space for now.

I thought I had addressed them. Genuinely. Maybe I haven't.

emsywoo123

I apologise for the troll like twist, I'm not trolling, I hope that's clear, but an old friend (not an ex! ) got in touch with a job offer abroad.

It's a good job, well paid with many perks. It's worth consideration at least.

I told ex, and he clearly wouldn't be the least bit bothered if I went to the other side if the world. I didn't expect "please don't go!" But I think part of me hoped he might say something other than agreeing it was worth thinking about.

The realisation of all of this makes me think I'm just not the sort of person cut out for friendship with him, or maybe any ex.

Hope. They say it's the hope that kills you

redcard

Lone_Northern_Lass wrote: »

I find this attitude really odd. I've only ever had one romantic relationship. It was a significant part of my life, but it didn't work out because our plans and hopes for the long-term future differed to the extent that my life-plans were incompatible with his and vice versa. We remain friends. I would love to meet somebody I could marry and be with for the rest of my life. If that were to happen (and I'm not at all sure it will), the comparison would be:

* Ex-partner who's now just a friend: nice guy I really get on with, who I chat with about once a week and see in person once every few months.
* Partner / spouse: nice guy I really get on with, with whom I share my life every day, with whom I'm currently in a romantic relationship, to whom I've made a commitment, who's given me all the benefits of marriage which I was far from convinced I'd ever experience, etc, etc.

Why should such a comparison be a problem?

An ex-partner is an EX for a reason. For me, if I were to begin a new relationship, by definition I would think that that relationship would have the potential to be better than my relationship with my ex - if my relationship with my ex had been the best possible, it wouldn't have ended.

(In any case, if one's current partner is going to get wound up comparing themselves to one's previous partner, this can happen whether or not one's maintained any contact with the previous partner - should you avoid telling any anecdotes about previous relationships or talking at all about times in your life when you've previously been in a relationship?)

It's funny that you say the comparison shouldn't be a problem as you're comparing a 'friend with a 'boyfriend, then in the next paragraph you compare a 'boyfriend with a previous 'boyfriend'.

74jax

I'm friends with my ex's, not all but most. Speak on fb and have met up. I'm married, very happily, and so there's not a glimmer of any thing happening between us, I think if you got on as friends before then it can work.

Lone_Northern_Lass

redcard wrote: »

It's funny that you say the comparison shouldn't be a problem as you're comparing a 'friend with a 'boyfriend, then in the next paragraph you compare a 'boyfriend with a previous 'boyfriend'.

??????????????????????????????????

I never said that the comparison shouldn't be a problem because one's comparing a 'friend' with a 'boyfriend'. Throughout my post, I talked about the possibilities for comparing a current partner with an ex-partner who is now a friend.

(I have one ex-partner only. He is now a friend. Whether I describe him as my ex or my friend in any given sentence doesn't change the fact that in the past we had a romantic relationship or the fact that we now have a friendship with no romantic relationship.)

I was thinking of posting again anyway to say that, although my overall stance is that friendships between ex-es are perfectly possible and can be positive things, I agree with those on this thread who suggest this might not be possible for the OP currently - and that time and more space away from this ex are needed in this case - I think marisco expressed it very very well.

System

One of my best friends is an ex, though we've actually been just friends for about twice as long as what we actually dated, I get on well with his gf too and my 2 previous bfs have been fine with it.

Kind of maintaining a friendship with most recent ex but I think I'm okay with it

DKLS

Personally I don't see the point in being friends with an ex, they are an ex for good reason and thus removed from my life if that means a few joint friends go with that so be it, friends are easily replaced.

emsywoo123

xXMessedUpXx wrote: »

Kind of maintaining a friendship with most recent ex but I think I'm okay with it

Clearly the acid test is "imagine he's got a new gf. Changes his pic to the 2 of them. How does that sound?"

That I think was a afairly special moment

System

emsywoo123 wrote: »

Clearly the acid test is "imagine he's got a new gf. Changes his pic to the 2 of them. How does that sound?"

That I think was a afairly special moment

Lol

Yeah I've already decided if that happens right now I would unfriend him, unless I'd already met someone else. I'm still undecided so keeping my distance. I just know I don't particularly hate him or have bad feelings towards him so be a shame to cut him out completely if we could be friends. My last ex, which ended badly, I cut him off ASAP, blocked him on Facebook, changed my phone number, and basically made sure he couldn't contact me