Being friends with an ex.....

JIL

I work with a girl who is on her second marriage. She says of her first marriage that they just turned into friends and the relationship was more like that of a brother and sister. They went to each others second weddings and keep in touch. He even sends her flowers on their wedding anniversary.
Their respective new partners don't seem to mind.
Takes all sorts.

System

I know if I was still in love with my ex and he'd finished with me I'd put as much distance between me and him as possible.

Why torment yourself for nothing?

duchy

I'm afraid I agree
He has chosen to end your relationship and is either been very kind in staying in touch until you are over the split OR is playing games and keeping you on a string for now.

Either way the fact you got upset at the thought of him even seeing someone else means that for you right now- staying in regular contact with him is not mentally healthy for you as it is stopping you fully processing the split and moving on.

It is possible to remain friends but there needs to be period of adjustment when you don't have contact to adjust to the new relationship.


If he *is* having second thoughts about ending the relationship then a little more mystery and a little more non availability may wake him up to the fact that if he snoozes he'll lose. Whilst you are constantly available to him, answer his texts within seconds and make it clear he's still a priority in your life he can take his sweet time and leave you hanging. You can't miss someone if they are still there.

So whatever is going on in his head -you are doing yourself no favours with constant contact.

Keep yourself busy restrict contacting him to once or twice a week at most ,less if you can manage it. Text back later not straight away if he texts you. Not in a game playing way but to start to reposition him in your life from central to somewhere further down your list of priorities. At the moment you can't move on (and if he has regrets he's not getting a chance to realize it) and you really need to -regardless of what happens with the two of you in the future -either as friends or anything else. If he does get with someone else at the moment you won't have enough distance to deal with it and it'll likely blow any chance of friendship.

Take a step back from him -it's a win win situation

PS If working abroad for a couple of years is a real possibility and wasn't just a ploy to get his attention then don't discount it because you have children, Living abroad for a couple of years can be wonderful for children too, schools and childcare exist everywhere and could really broaden all of your horizons and prospects.

emsywoo123

Judi wrote: »

I know if I was still in love with my ex and he'd finished with me I'd put as much distance between me and him as possible.

Why torment yourself for nothing?

Because I didn't realise I was.

emsywoo123

duchy wrote: »

I'm afraid I agree
He has chosen to end your relationship and is either been very kind in staying in touch until you are over the split OR is playing games and keeping you on a string for now.

Either way the fact you got upset at the thought of him even seeing someone else means that for you right now- staying in regular contact with him is not mentally healthy for you as it is stopping you fully processing the split and moving on.

It is possible to remain friends but there needs to be period of adjustment when you don't have contact to adjust to the new relationship.


If he *is* having second thoughts about ending the relationship then a little more mystery and a little more non availability may wake him up to the fact that if he snoozes he'll lose. Whilst you are constantly available to him, answer his texts within seconds and make it clear he's still a priority in your life he can take his sweet time and leave you hanging. You can't miss someone if they are still there.

So whatever is going on in his head -you are doing yourself no favours with constant contact.

Keep yourself busy restrict contacting him to once or twice a week at most ,less if you can manage it. Text back later not straight away if he texts you. Not in a game playing way but to start to reposition him in your life from central to somewhere further down your list of priorities. At the moment you can't move on (and if he has regrets he's not getting a chance to realize it) and you really need to -regardless of what happens with the two of you in the future -either as friends or anything else. If he does get with someone else at the moment you won't have enough distance to deal with it and it'll likely blow any chance of friendship.

Take a step back from him -it's a win win situation

PS If working abroad for a couple of years is a real possibility and wasn't just a ploy to get his attention then don't discount it because you have children, Living abroad for a couple of years can be wonderful for children too, schools and childcare exist everywhere and could really broaden all of your horizons and prospects.

Thank you for this post, I do really appreciate it.

No, the O/S job was not a ploy at all, I know it all sounds a bit contrived, but it is 100% genuine. This contact has offered me a couple of jobs in the past, but timing has always been off.

pukkamum

I think it can works after many years, it's still so fresh and I must I always think in this kind of situation one of you will always, albeit subconciously, will be holding out for more.
My sister is friends with her ex and it has already caused her to lose one relationship yet she still sees him.
Her current boyfriend claims not to be bothered by it but when he turned up uninvited to a family get together her boyfriend was clearly not impressed.
I truly think her ex likes still having a certain amount of control over her, it was always a slightly lob sided relationship with her being the chaser and him playing it cool.
I tend to err on the side of it you had such a great relationship, enough to remain good friends you would still be together.
Cut him out em move on, whilst you are still so available to him how can you ever get over him.
If you are destined to be friends he will still be there a year later when you may be ready to be just friends with no hopes of reconciliation.

Calien

Go No Contact for a while, until the thought of him moving on with someone new no longer bothers you and you really just see him as another friend. If after a good period of NC the thought still bothers you then maybe friendship is the best idea.


Also, No Contact mean literally No Contact, no creeping on his social media, no calls (making or accepting) no texts, no silly excuses to contact him (I've done this, oh it's his b-day, I'll send a text etc) use this time to work on yourself, do things you like, if there is something you want to improve, do it. No Contact is about you and your healing. If after a good NC time, if you feel ready you can reach out if you're sure you are 100% ready and have no romantic feelings or hope to reconcile.

newcook

Im still friends with my ex – we drink in the same place and have the same circle of friends so it would be awkward if we weren’t friends! We were only together for 5 months but I realized that while I loved him to bits I wasn’t IN love with him and felt it would be unfair on the both of us to be with someone I wasn’t in love with.
The guy Im dating is yet to meet my friends but if he has a problem with me being friends with my ex then he will be shown the door! Me and ex have been split up for 9 months but were friends for several years before we got together and Im not about to go getting rid of any of my mates because some bloke Ive know for 5 minutes doesn’t like one of them just because he’s an ex.

From what you have said, he’s not all that into you as a friend either – he didn’t sound bothered when you told him you were going to work abroad! If any of my friends (including my ex) were to tell me that I would be gutted!
He actually sounds like he’s one of these people who will only want you when you get together with someone else or tell them that you don’t want them anymore. Sometimes the things that you cant have are more tempting than what you can have!

Personally, I would cut contact with him and focus on enjoying your new job!

alwaysskint96

DKLS wrote: »

Personally I don't see the point in being friends with an ex, they are an ex for good reason and thus removed from my life if that means a few joint friends go with that so be it, friends are easily replaced.

Really? Im not sure true friends are so easily replaced and I would be hurt if a so called friend got rid of me just cos i was also friends with their ex

pickledonionspaceraider

He is keeping you dangling OP - cut him off - as you seem to still be emotionally involved with him.

It is not healthy to speak to an ex every day and be so dependant.

I see no reason to remain friends with ex's - I am not friends with any of mine. They are in the past