cheeky to ask guests to pay?

Idiophreak

Fuzzy_Duck wrote: »

I am sick of those awful poems asking for money that everyone else seems to think are cute.

Indeed. I long for the day I get an invite and it just says "WE WANT CASH". Simple, to the point, no tenuous rhyming

RuthnJasper

Hev_smev wrote: »

So we are getting married in March 2015 and got ourselves a rather goo deal. 65 adult guest are included in our price.
teenages and children are on top.

slowly but surely we are getting old aunts or friend who want to come to the day , which is lovely but each additional guest over our booked once cost £110 per person!!:eek:

So i have started saying to people if you want to come that is lovely but you will have to pay your place!

Am I turning into a bridezilla?:(:mad:

I don't think you sound remotely like a bridezilla. It is unbelieveably rude of people to "invite themselves". You already made your choice of guests with your fiance and invited those people.

I would say to those people wanting to come that it would be lovely if they attended the ceremony but, sadly, space at the reception venue is very limited. Some people might not like this but it is YOUR special day, for you and your husband-to-be, and that's what really matters.

You could always throw a party afterwards and host it yourself for those who weren't able to be there on the day.

I hope you have a really lovely day and a long and happy marriage. x

Anatidaephobia

GoldenShadow wrote: »

I'm surprised so many people are bothered. So often people ask for cash for a wedding present and basically pay off the wedding with it or go on honeymoon with it because they blew all they had on the wedding. The only issue to me seems to be the phrasing.

Of course it's the phrasing. Words can make quite a big difference to any situation. In this case, they are the difference between a gift and paying for entry to a wedding.

CoconutJay

To be honest I think it's bloody rude asking if you can attend someone's wedding before you've received an invite.
I'm having that problem already with people assuming they're coming to it when I've no intention of inviting them.

If they want to come then I don't see any issue in asking them to pay.
Plus, it would weed out those individuals looking for a free meal and party (there's always a few of those!)!

However, you've clearly invited who you want to be there so to make life easy for yourself just give a firm 'no, we're only having a small wedding' to those that have requested they attend.

kayl

Idiophreak wrote: »

Indeed. I long for the day I get an invite and it just says "WE WANT CASH". Simple, to the point, no tenuous rhyming

I did get one which said that, allbeit, obliquely. The exacted wording was "No boxed gifts please" !!

TBagpuss

It's incredibly rude for people to ask for invitations.

If you want them there, invite them, and pay for the caering. If you don;t, don;t invite them.

If they ask you whetehr they can come, or if you will be inviting them, then an answer along the lines of "we aren't sending out invitations until nearer the time, but we want a small wedding, and there are limits on numbers, so we won;t be able to invite everyone might like to" That way, you are not having to say outright "we don't plan to invite you" nor are you saying whether to not they are among the people you would want to invite.

I think that asking people to pay to attend, even if they have themselves started the rudeness by asking for an invitation, is rude and inappropriate.

In terms of the vexed question of gifts, technically, it is rude to ask for gifts at all.
It's fine to have ideas to give people if they ask you what you would like, but it is rude to ask for cash and that is true whether you do it with a tacky poem, or try to be subtle with 'no boxed gifts', or just say 'cash only'

If people ask you for gift ideas, then it is OK if your suggestions include "we are also saving up for [x] and any contributions to that are very welcome", as that gives people the option of buying a gift, giving money if they wish, or not giving a gift, as they prefer.

I know some people have commented that they asked for money or contributions and no-one complained - I think that is a bit of a false reassurance - most peopel are uncomfortable about directly challenging or critisisng others to their face, and that is particualrly true of the person is a family member of close friend. If you ask your friends to pay for their meal at your reception they are likely to either turn down the invitation, or attend, pay up and think less of you for it. It is unlikely that anyone is going to respond by saying "I got the wedding invitation. Congratulations, by the way, if you know it's incredibly tacky and tastless to expect people to pay for their meals?"

You are only likely to get real opinions if you are asking ahead of time "I read on a wedding site that some people now ask guests to pay for their meals - it seems strange to me, what do you think" or by asking people who have no reason to care whether they offend you or not.

I would not say anything if a friend of mine sent an invite like that, because once they have sent the invoices/invites out there is not a lot you can do. I might even go, if they were a close friend. But I would be embarrassed for them for showing themselves up like that.

I think OP is in a different situation as she is not asking her guests to pay, she has people trying to gatecrash her wedding. However, I think it muddies the water if you are letting people in effect buy a ticket to the wedding, so I would recommend that you say no to these people, if necessary explaining that unfortunately you have a very tight limit on numbers so cannot invite everyone you would like to (which is true, even if these are people you *wouldn't* invite if you had the choice.

pickledonionspaceraider

Hev_smev wrote: »

asking people to pay their place was in fact my dad's idea after a friend asked to bring her new chap as a plus one, they have been together a few weeks.

Thing is I wouldnt take half these couple out for dinner let alone pay £220 per couple!
the evening do, the buffett is £25 per person!

I can kind of see where you are coming from with this, as I would begrudge paying a fortune for a strangers meal

However, I wouldn't want to share the most intimate and special day of my life surrounded by people who were invited as an afterthought or had invited themselves or strangers. I would just tell them no, we are full and point blank refuse to budge. I had a couple of people ask to attend our wedding, and was shocked people could be so cheeky - and to be honest if I had wanted them there, they would have got an invite

You say that it is rude to ask for money as a wedding present, but I fail to see the difference between that, and what you are proposing to do, to be honest. In fact in some ways it may be worse, because many people feel obliged in some way ( I don't know why) to give a wedding gift, so your big day could cost them £110 meal plus a gift, (plus travel, outfits etc). It is a tad tacky to invite people to a wedding and expect them to pay

I think it is ever so lightly bridezilla hun, and if it were me, I would definitely stick with the original guest list and not let other people decide who was attending my wedding.

mariposa687

It's very rude to ask someone to pay in my opinion. Invite the people you can afford to. Weddings are also expensive to attend. I went to one a month ago that cost me and my OH £200 for travel as it was in a different part of the country and would have had to pay for a hotel had we not been able to stay with friends. In addition to this, we put money into the wedding card as this what was requested and then obviously buying drinks at the reception. I would have been livid if I was also asked to pay towards attending the wedding.

Floss

Hev_smev wrote: »

...If 10 more people come to my wedding it'll cost me £1100...

So tell them "Sorry, we are at the limit of the venue's capacity and unfortunately we are very tight on numbers, but if anyone drops out we will let you know".

Don't be so rude as to expect guests (the clue is in the word) to pay for their meals.

Oh, and by NOT having a gift list, you are probably implying to your guests that you want cash.....

Kim_kim

piglet25 wrote: »

I was invited to a wedding where we had to pay for our meals, it was a fiver deposit and fourteen quid on the day, ( to be paid to a lady collecting the money during the meal :O ) plus gifts. I felt that was rude, as the value of the gift they had asked for from me was well in excess of two hundred and fifty quid. I did not end up attending as the couple in question managed to alienate virtually everyone in the run up to the wedding due to their idea that they wanted people to pay for them to get married - money towards decorations, who wants to put in for the dress etc but they did ring the day before to check they could still have their present as they knew what it was :O I told them to take a hike.
The couple in question aren't financially struggling either, as if that was the case people wouldn't have minded as much and would have been happy to help but they were just being downright greedy.
And just to say, every time their daughter has a birthday we are all invited to share in the celebrations with them, so long as we pay for a place at the child's party. People can be so unreal its shocking - if you can't afford it, ask why other people should be expected to pay for it. If people offer thats different but to expect people to fork out because you have decided to get married is rude.

They are just shocking!!

Looking at all the stress of numbers & costs and the fact that people bring gifts, would it solve all that if people did pay for their meal & that was their gift?
Would save them trawling the shops.
Might not be such a bad idea?
Might solve the numbers problems at every wedding?

Btw, I have no ax to grind on this, I'm not getting married, or going to a wedding, just browsing the forum.