Feeling Sorry For Myself

Faith177

elona wrote: »

I will be 63 next week with no grandchildren and would be mortified if any of my dds thought they had to consider me and my DH in their decision of having children or not.

As long as they are happy then we are happy for them.

How old was MIL when she had your DH?

You did well not to snap that if DH did not spend lots of money on a motor bike etc maybe you could afford kids.

I take it DH did not tell his mum that "He" was the one with a possible problem as that might have shut her up.

We had people going on at us for three years about having kids (not knowing or caring that I was on treatment to help fertility.)
Each thoughtless remark hurt like hell and I used to go home and cry.

I eventually had twins at the age of 35 and then had two more dds - the last at 42 so don't panic about age as such.

Remember the old saying "When someone pays all the bills then they can tell me what to do."

She was 27 when she had OH and he has 2 younger brothers who are now 26 and 24. The middle brother has just moved in with his male "friend" we all know the truth but we are not allowed to mention it. The youngest one has a long term gf but they both dont have jobs and he hasn't worked since he was 21 apparently jobs like Argos ect are "beneath him" but we wont get into that

She was actually in the room when OH was advised of his chances and that's what makes me so annoyed with her she is so insensitive :mad:

Faith177

January20 wrote: »

I think perhaps you need to be a little bit more assertive, dare I say rude?, with people, because frankly they are being rude with you, so when your MIL starts having a go about grandchildren just tell her that you are not discussing it. And keep repeating it until she gets the message. When other people ask you the same, why don't you just exclaim: "Oh that is a very personal question!" and don't give an answer.

I think people ask because they are not challenged about their behaviour so they don't stop and think about how hurtful they can be.

Have you posted on the DFW board for moral support and tips on how to clear your debt? http://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/forumdisplay.php?f=76

ETA: RE the house, you're married aren't you? So the house is part of the marital assets. If you were to divorce, you husband would be entitle to his share so why shouldn't he contribute to the repairs? Doesn't he live there? Doesn't he use water/ heating from the boiler? Do you think he would forego his share of the equity if your were to divorce because he didn't contribute to the maintenance of the property?

I think I do need to stand up to people a little more tbh with you and think that I will from now on.

We're not swimming in debt it's managable but I'm just sick of it. I will take a look and see if I can get some tips. We are chipping away at it all the time but up until April we were running two households as OH was working away in Reading so that made a bit of a dent in our funds.

With regards to the house we already have a signed agreement that the house is to stay with me as it is also half my brothers inheritance. Basically I brought my half off my mum early when she moved away on the understanding if anything happens to my mum my brother still receives his half. It's a bit of a complicated situation tbh. I think I just feel that I shouldn't ask for things I'm sure if I did he would be fine with it but I just feel uncomfy doing it strange I know

Pollycat

Faith177 wrote: »

He started to discuss the bike with me and said he was going to "look" at one I said please don't jump into anything. Next thing I know he is on the phone asking for the home telephone number to take out the loan! :mad:

We are chalk and cheese when it comes to money he is useless and I have taken over most of the day to day running of bills.

I would find someone buying something for £2K on a loan without discussing a specific purchase with me totally unacceptable - especially if we had debts.

Faith177 wrote: »

We're not swimming in debt it's managable but I'm just sick of it. I will take a look and see if I can get some tips. We are chipping away at it all the time but up until April we were running two households as OH was working away in Reading so that made a bit of a dent in our funds.

But who is going to service that £2K loan?
Him?
Both of you?
The money that was available before he took out this loan is going to be less now that monthly repayments will need to be repaid for the bike.

Faith177 wrote: »

With regards to the repairs I think because it's my house (I brought it before I met OH) I feel bad asking for money for repairs because it's not really his commitment.

Faith177 wrote: »

With regards to the house we already have a signed agreement that the house is to stay with me as it is also half my brothers inheritance. Basically I brought my half off my mum early when she moved away on the understanding if anything happens to my mum my brother still receives his half. It's a bit of a complicated situation tbh. I think I just feel that I shouldn't ask for things I'm sure if I did he would be fine with it but I just feel uncomfy doing it strange I know

I think you need to have a very good think about this.
What exactly is the agreement?
Does your brother get half of what the house was worth when you bought your Mum's share or half of the value at the time he wants his money?

Two very different figures.

If it's the latter, you are paying for the upkeep of the property but your brother will benefit.
Is there a mortgage on the property?
Who is paying that?

A situation that I would not be happy with and I could understand if your OH didn't want to pay towards maintenance for a house he will never have a share of ownership in.

Do you share all the other bills?

Faith177

Pollycat wrote: »

I would find someone buying something for £2K on a loan without discussing a specific purchase with me totally unacceptable - especially if we had debts.


But who is going to service that £2K loan?
Him?
Both of you?
The money that was available before he took out this loan is going to be less now that monthly repayments will need to be repaid for the bike.





I think you need to have a very good think about this.
What exactly is the agreement?
Does your brother get half of what the house was worth when you bought your Mum's share or half of the value at the time he wants his money?

Two very different figures.

If it's the latter, you are paying for the upkeep of the property but your brother will benefit.
Is there a mortgage on the property?
Who is paying that?

A situation that I would not be happy with and I could understand if your OH didn't want to pay towards maintenance for a house he will never have a share of ownership in.

Do you share all the other bills?

The loan on the bike is in his name it will be £58 a month the insurance is £14 a month. With that plus the running cost it is still cheaper than what a train pass would cost him. A train pass is £267 a month as he needs all zones so even if petrol were to cost him £100 (which it wont) he will still be better off so I can see his logic in getting one I'm just annoyed about how he went about it

The agreement is half on sale I don't mind paying for the upkeep as the way I see it is I'm benefitting from not having to rent in my area which is very high and my brother is currently renting in Glasgow which is next to nothing so I feel only fair it should be 50/50.

I pay the mortgage on my own as it is very small only about £370 and i have always paid it on my own so i dont notice it really.

He hasnt said he doesn't want to pay I have never asked him due to my own issues surrounding asking for help. I have no doubt he would be more than happy to pay a share I just don't like asking I think because my mum never asks for help it's rubbed off on me a bit.

We share everything else 50/50 council tax electric gas sky ect any bills for the animals. Which is why I know he wont mind me asking

jaylee3

Sorry you're feeling bad hun.

Bit confused about your financial situation though not gonna lie.

You bought the house off your mom, and you pay for the mortgage (alone yes?) and yet it's half your brother's?

How come? If he isn't contributing towards it?

As you are married, your husband could try and take half the house value if you split.

I am a bit confused about the bike bit too. You were (understandably) annoyed with him for taking out the £2K loan without telling you, but then say that it's OK because it saves roughly 50% on travel expenses over the months. So is this not a good thing?

All that said, I do think that it's wrong that you are managing all the repairs and maintenance costs AND the mortgage alone. You say he pays the bills, but all of what you pay must surely come to a lot more? I hate to say this, but this doesn't sound like a marriage to me. More like he is your lodger.

I agree about nosey people asking if you're having kids, and I agree with the poster that said you should say 'I prefer not to discuss it.'

I think you need to talk with your husband about your finances though. And I hope you don't feel down for long.

Faith177

jaylee3 wrote: »

Sorry you're feeling bad hun.

Bit confused about your financial situation though not gonna lie.

You bought the house off your mom, and you pay for the mortgage (alone yes?) and yet it's half your brother's?

How come? If he isn't contributing towards it?

As you are married, your husband could try and take half the house value if you split.

I am a bit confused about the bike bit too. You were (understandably) annoyed with him for taking out the £2K loan without telling you, but then say that it's OK because it saves roughly 50% on travel expenses over the months. So is this not a good thing?

All that said, I do think that it's wrong that you are managing all the repairs and maintenance costs AND the mortgage alone. You say he pays the bills, but all of what you pay must surely come to a lot more? I hate to say this, but this doesn't sound like a marriage to me. More like he is your lodger.

I agree about nosey people asking if you're having kids, and I agree with the poster that said you should say 'I prefer not to discuss it.'

I think you need to talk with your husband about your finances though. And I hope you don't feel down for long.

It is a little confusing but it was a situation agreed to when my mum moved away to Scotland with my brother in 2006. I couldn't afford to rent anywhere in my area and didn't want to move. Plus my mum was relecutant to sell the house incase it didn't work out in Scotland. We found out what half the cost of the house was then and i brought my part of my inheritence early. We have had discussions since and everyone is still happy with the situation

It is a good thing I agree once he explained it too me properly it was just a shock as only weeks before we had, had a discussion about saving money and not taking any more credit.

I am very very nervous about money especially as he is just changing jobs and going from monthly to weekly so he has to sort all his outgoings I just personally felt he should have waited but again that's just our different attitudes.

With regards to me pay more OH has a lot more debt than I do so he ends up paying more out that way than I do plus his mum bleeds him dry on a regular basis.

Also for 2 1/2 years he was working away and again I felt bad asking for things when he was only there 1 night a week if we were lucky. I would sometimes go 3-4 weeks without seeing him. So yeah I guess he was a lodger :rotfl:

It is a huge adjustment phase at the moment which is why there is a lot of these issues coming out now. The history of us living together hasn't been the best. We have spent 2 1/2 of the last 6 years living apart. I think we have become a little selfish as you do when you live on your own. He has only been back since the 25th April so not even 6 months yet and in that time he has hardly been home due to work.

I think with this new job things will settle down and as we get use to living with each other again it'll be easier.

He has 4 days off between jobs so I think we are going to use the time to get things sorted out do a deep clean blitz on the house and start from scratch

Pollycat

Faith177 wrote: »

It is a little confusing but it was a situation agreed to when my mum moved away to Scotland with my brother in 2006. I couldn't afford to rent anywhere in my area and didn't want to move. Plus my mum was relecutant to sell the house incase it didn't work out in Scotland. We found out what half the cost of the house was then and i brought my part of my inheritence early. We have had discussions since and everyone is still happy with the situation

I'm not surprised that your brother is happy with the situation.

He's paying nothing towards the mortgage, nothing towards repair/improvements and will get half the market value when the house is sold or you buy him out.

Faith177

Pollycat wrote: »

I'm not surprised that your brother is happy with the situation.

He's paying nothing towards the mortgage, nothing towards repair/improvements and will get half the market value when the house is sold or you buy him out.

Maybe living in Scotland has rubbed off on him :rotfl:

Thing is it would be the same as if my mum was paying a mortgage and maintaining it he would come out the winner in the end.

I needed somewhere to live that was an avaliable option to me and my family and it suited us and continues too.

Had I moved into rented accomodation round by me I would be paying roughly £800 a month plus bills for a 1 bedroom flat. I wouldn't be able to have my animals I wouldn't have a garden and I wouldn't be able to do what a like with regards to decorating ect

If I was renting my house it would cost me £1300-£1500 a month again without bills.

There is no way I would have been able to afford to buy anything in my area ever as at the time my house was woth roughly £210K at 20 there was no way I would have got a mortgage any where near that amount.

ecgirl07

Pollycat wrote: »

I'm not surprised that your brother is happy with the situation.

He's paying nothing towards the mortgage, nothing towards repair/improvements and will get half the market value when the house is sold or you buy him out.

I'm confused that OP bought her inheritance? The brother will inherit half a house at no cost, the op has bought her half now?? I must be reading it wrong...

Or the OP bought should have bought out her brothers half and mum give the money to the brother as his share of the inheritance early...

Faith177

ecgirl07 wrote: »

I'm confused that OP bought her inheritance? The brother will inherit half a house at no cost, the op has bought her half now?? I must be reading it wrong...

Or the OP bought should have bought out her brothers half and mum give the money to the brother as his share of the inheritance early...

I brought my half that's right I needed it then and my mum wasnt in the postion to give it to me so I brought it my brother was 16 at the time much to young for that amount of money