Feeling Sorry For Myself

Faith177

First of all I apologise in advance as this is going to be a very self-pitying thread

I suffered a nervous breakdown about 5 years ago I am a lot better now but still have down moments that seem to weigh me down immensely

I don't know what spark this round of but all of a sudden my future feels a little hopeless.

OH & me have been married just over a year and have been together 6 years this November. If one more person comments on when we will be having children I think I am going to rip their throat out! We are not in a good financial position for children at all and I am working hard to get a promotion in my chosen field. Also OH has been told there is an 80% chance he can't have children. One of our good friends has just announced they are expecting she fell pregnant 2 months after getting married. Now everyone feels this gives them carte blanch to question us about our live choices.

Now I have my MIL (who I hate) constantly pointing out that as I am 2 years away from being 30 "I'm not getting any younger" yes I am WELL awear of this thank you

OH is just about to start a new job as his last one was getting too much with regards to hours working a 100+ hours a week means I only see him for 5 mins in the morning as I'm leaving the house and up to an hour if im lucky in the evening (this involves staying up until 1:30am) As I have to be in work at 8am this doesn't give me a lot of time to sleep so I don't think this is helping

Another two of our good friends are in the process of emigrating after getting to fantastic jobs that will set them up for life and I just seem to be working my butt off and getting nowhere

I just feel stuck in limbo we are trying to clear some debt so we can start having a bit of a life and start getting our futures sorted but something always seems to go wrong. I am really angry with OH at the moment as he has just brought a 125cc bike for £2K despite us promising at the start of the year to clear as much as we could this year. His argument is it is going to save him money on his commute to work which I can see the logic behind but I just feel a little jealous I gave up my driving lessons to save money and also as I know there is no way I can afford a car at the moment while he gets to go and sit his CBT and by a bike!:(

Now the water heater is playing up and I know it's going to be me footing the bill to get it repaired as it always bloody well is. I have to wait for when OH has a day off though so someone is in as I can't have any time off at the moment because the team Im on is so seriously short staff.

I feel like Im doing everything at the moment working overtime constantly so I can get some extra money plus trying to keep on top of the housework and everything else. OH had his first day off in 3 weeks this week so he went and brought his motorbike and did all the stuff he wanted and didn't do a thing round the house I could have hit him

Today I got my washing out of the tumble dryer to wear a jacket to work only to find he put his manky kitchen shirt in with my clothes now everything smells like a poxy kitchen!

I don't know what's wrong with me I know I have a lot to be thankful for but it just doesn't seem like that atm

As I said very self pitying but I needed a rant

Billie-S

Woah, you poor wee girl.

I DO feel sorry for you, you sound so down and low and fed up!

I KNOW how annoying it can be when people keep asking when you're having kids; we were married about 5 years before we got pregnant, and then when we had DD1, they kept asking when the next one was! 'you can't have an only child; she will be so lonely.' Oh and MIL's are terrible for it. Must have those grandchildren!!!

Why do people think having children is the be-all and end-all of everything for everyone?! Yes, I love mine to heaven and back, and I wouldn't change the fact I had them for the WORLD, but they can be a bloody pain in the bum at times... Always running out of money, (both at uni, age 19 and 20,) and always bouncing back home when it suits them, using our home as a hotel, expecting to be picked up from the train station every few weeks (40 mile round trip for us!!!)

Having kids is hard work, and is expensive. Your money is not your own again for a LOOOOONG time LOL. Yes, it is rewarding to see those little creations you have made, and they are adventurous, kind, loving, funny, intelligent young ladies and I would not be without them! They're amazing young people and I adore them. But I would never have had them til I was ready! Despite all the annoying pillocks asking all the time. And yes it DOESN'T help when OTHER people are having them constantly. And why do people think it's OK to ask 'when are you having kids?' I always think if someone has none, that a) they don't WANT them or b) they can't HAVE them. How rude to ask!!! Not everyone can have kids and not everyone wants them.

Another thing sweetie, don't assume that your friends who are emigrating are 'set up for life.' Nobody knows what can happen, and a new job abroad doesn't mean their life is going to be all sweet and perfect now. I know/know of a number of people who moved abroad, and regretted it.

I don't know what to suggest about your house maintenance, issues, or your money issues ATM, but I don't think you're alone, as many people are skint most of the time, but they won't usually say.

I just think that many people are not as happy and jolly and content as they make out. Just remember that when you feel blue.

Rant away, we don't mind. If it makes you feel better. It's only natural to feel blue sometimes - even when you seemingly have everything. I hope you feel better soon.

Free_Spirit_31

We used to get all the spiel from friends and family asking when are we going to procreate. We have flat out told them that we do not want children, we are happy as we are. There are too many children out there that need adopting etc. It is very commenable of you both not having children if you are not financially secure. The last thing you need is the cost of living being too and having mouths to feed and backs to cloth.

Don't be hard on yourself though. I know its easy to get a succession of things to annoy ot upset you and it seems all too overwhelming .

My partner of over 5 years is an only child.his parents didn't want anymore. He was not lonely. I jest with him about him being lucky to be an only child because of sibling rivalry.

Yes, MILs are bad for it, they want something to brag about to their circle of friends and other grandmothers.


I'm replying via my phone so I apologise for any spelling errors and I will respond later too.

Northern78

Morning Faith

I know how you feel! I haven't experienced a nervous breakdown but went through a period where my future felt hopeless.

Me and the hubby had been together 6 years and just got married, our friends were having babies and it just wasn't happening for us. He is also in the forces so meant we had fewer chances to get the timing right. We'd also just bought a house that needed a lot of work doing and with him not being here everything felt like it was left to me. I was also unhappy at work to the point of dreading going in on Monday morning.

Anyway we rode it out and 2 years later we were pregnant with our DS, the house although not finished was half way there and we had a new boss at work who thankfully changed things for the better!

It will pass, when people ask about kids just tell them when the times right. Oh and at 28 I wasn't even thinking about kids so tell your MIL to do one! We didn't start trying till I was about 32! We're also expecting baby 2 so you're not leaving it too late. x

FBaby

Faith the main issue I see is that you and your husband are not working as a team. You should agree on your goals (assume that part is ok on the whole) but then also agree on each step and timescale to get there. Any diversion to these should be discussed and agree. Although a good relationship accepts compromises they can't all be in one direction. It was very wrong in your OH to go ahead and get the bike without discussing it with you first and your need to make a point of it not in an accusing way but to make him realise how it is impacting on you.

As for babies are your saying you are 28? Plenty of time to consider going for it even if your OH has issues don't let others pressuring you. Your are right to make sure you are in the best position to welcome a baby and all the demands that come with them before your go ahead.

Lily-Rose_3

Oh Faith, you do sound down!

I have to concur with Billie-S that just because someone appears to have it all and have the perfect life; it ain't necessarily so.

Just several years back, I had 2 friends (they still are friends.) I will call them H and J.

H was in private let as she had sold her RTB council house that she had lived in for about 7-8 years, and made £50K from it. She then moved into private let for a YEAR, and then she applied for a home in a scheme that she said was run by the council. She applied for a 4 bed home on a brand new estate, that had 5 'home-owner proerties,' to every 'council run' one. She got it!

She hadn't even gone on any list and I was livid. Yes I know, a bit pathetic and it's none of my business etc, but she had sold her council home, made £50K and then dropped into another council-run scheme. It seemed extremely unfair. £90 a week rent, all repairs done, assured long-term tenancy. Oh and she said, you have the option to BUY at a later date. Only 25% if you want to, and it secures the house for life.

Then this OTHER friend had £50K left to her, and paid off her mortgage! Mortgage free at 37. Again, I was so jealous. We were struggling in our home with a fairly high mortgage (£80K on a home worth about £130K,) but loads of things needed doing to it, and we never had any money, we had 10s of 1000s in debts, and everyone else seemed to be getting breaks.

We sold our home and paid off all the debt, but were left with very little after. Then were left in private let. £625 a month which we struggled with - we found out after a year and a half there that we could get £100 a month HB, but didn't know that for the first year and a half! So we struggled. Even so, paying £525 was still hard. And I had to give up work after 30 years, through illness and disability.

We were on the housing list, but were low priority because we had 'made ourselves homeless.'

Then after 3 years, the doctors confirmed to the council that I have a medical need for a bungalow, because of my chronic illness, and we got offered a bungalow several months later from a housing association! Social housing but in a lovely area, £70 a week rent and all repairs included, and recently, my husband got a better, higher paid job.

We are happier than we have been in ages, and have surplus income, and savings, and have started to travel a bit again, and although we are not loaded, we are comfortable. Also, because the rent is fair, we don't need to claim housing benefit, (and aren't on any benefits at all now actually.)

My friend however who had the new house (with the long tenancy where you can buy if you want; ) It turns out there is a clause in the small print that says after 5 years, she HAS to buy 25% of the property. (And at 10 years, after her moving in, she has to buy the rest!) So next year, she will HAVE to go part ownership on it, and all the repairs will fall to her. If she leaves, she incurs about £15K in penalties. ALSO, she has £40K in LOANS and FINANCE now! She spent the £50K in the first 2 years on a caravan, two new cars, fancy clothes, stuff for the house, and a number of flashy holidays,

The woman who paid off her mortgage, has no mortgage now, but has recently had to pay £20,000 for problems with subsidence and underpinning and all kinds of stuctural problems with her house.

So like I said, things are not always what they seem. And you can and WILL feel happier and better. Oh and in addition, I also know several people who have moved away for a better life with that 'dream job,' only to come crawling back 3-5 years later, when it all goes t1ts up. So don't assume your friends who are moving abroad are going to have a perfect life.

As for the issue of children: tell me about it! We were married 7 years before we had our daughter, and everyone around me at work was having them, and I literally felt like the odd one out. And when I DID get pregnant (30-ish) they said 'thought you'd have to have one next!' No congratulations or anything! People can be vile.

I am sorry you feel horrible right now Faith, but as per my post above ^^^ I felt so low and down for several years, particularly as we spent about 5 years struggling badly financially. We are much better and happier now, and I am sure that you will feel OK again too.

Faith177

Thank you all for your lovely comments and personal stories has made me feel a little better.

I think I just feel like everyone is on my case and I can't seem to gain any ground but when I look around it seems like I'm the only one this is happening too. I know you can't know what is going on behind closed doors but it doesn't make it any easier to swallow.

I now have the MIL going on about how depressing it is for her to be nearly 60 (she's 60 in March) with no grandchildren! I explained that even if I was to get pregnant tomorrow the kid wouldn't be here in time for her birthday! She got upset rang OH and said I was being confrontational !!!!!!!

I know we'll get their eventually and hopefully OH's new job despite the inital pay cut will help in that

Pollycat

Hi Faith
I hope you're feeling a bit better after your 'rant', sometimes it just helps to let it all out.

I agree with Lily-Rose that just because other people's lives seem perfect to outsiders, that doesn't mean they are perfect.

I think you have every reason to be annoyed with your OH about buying the bike.
Did he not discuss the purchase with you first?

About the other stuff such as him not doing things around the house and expecting you to foot the bill for repairs, maybe it's time you both sat down and discussed your expectations and responsibilities.

As for people asking intrusive questions about whether you are going to have children, I would be blunt and say something like 'I don't want to discuss that subject' and let them make of it what they will.

Just smile sweetly at your MIL when she mentions your ticking clock and say 'OK, thanks for reminding me'.

Good luck.
Hope you feel more positive soon.

Faith177

Pollycat wrote: »

Hi Faith
I hope you're feeling a bit better after your 'rant', sometimes it just helps to let it all out.

I agree with Lily-Rose that just because other people's lives seem perfect to outsiders, that doesn't mean they are perfect.

I think you have every reason to be annoyed with your OH about buying the bike.
Did he not discuss the purchase with you first?

About the other stuff such as him not doing things around the house and expecting you to foot the bill for repairs, maybe it's time you both sat down and discussed your expectations and responsibilities.

As for people asking intrusive questions about whether you are going to have children, I would be blunt and say something like 'I don't want to discuss that subject' and let them make of it what they will.

Just smile sweetly at your MIL when she mentions your ticking clock and say 'OK, thanks for reminding me'.

Good luck.
Hope you feel more positive soon.

He started to discuss the bike with me and said he was going to "look" at one I said please don't jump into anything. Next thing I know he is on the phone asking for the home telephone number to take out the loan! :mad:

We are chalk and cheese when it comes to money he is useless and I have taken over most of the day to day running of bills.

With regards to the repairs I think because it's my house (I brought it before I met OH) I feel bad asking for money for repairs because it's not really his commitment.

I'm hoping that as he will be getting 2 days off with his new job and it's a lot less hours for example he is going from working 8:30am - 12:00am every day with a day off as and when he can blag it as I said the last one he had was his first in 3 weeks as they keep getting cancelled at the last minute to working 8:30 or 9am to the latest 6pm that he will pick up the workload more as he wont be so tired

elona

I will be 63 next week with no grandchildren and would be mortified if any of my dds thought they had to consider me and my DH in their decision of having children or not.

As long as they are happy then we are happy for them.

How old was MIL when she had your DH?

You did well not to snap that if DH did not spend lots of money on a motor bike etc maybe you could afford kids.

I take it DH did not tell his mum that "He" was the one with a possible problem as that might have shut her up.

We had people going on at us for three years about having kids (not knowing or caring that I was on treatment to help fertility.)
Each thoughtless remark hurt like hell and I used to go home and cry.

I eventually had twins at the age of 35 and then had two more dds - the last at 42 so don't panic about age as such.

Remember the old saying "When someone pays all the bills then they can tell me what to do."

January20

I think perhaps you need to be a little bit more assertive, dare I say rude?, with people, because frankly they are being rude with you, so when your MIL starts having a go about grandchildren just tell her that you are not discussing it. And keep repeating it until she gets the message. When other people ask you the same, why don't you just exclaim: "Oh that is a very personal question!" and don't give an answer.

I think people ask because they are not challenged about their behaviour so they don't stop and think about how hurtful they can be.

Have you posted on the DFW board for moral support and tips on how to clear your debt? http://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/forumdisplay.php?f=76

ETA: RE the house, you're married aren't you? So the house is part of the marital assets. If you were to divorce, you husband would be entitle to his share so why shouldn't he contribute to the repairs? Doesn't he live there? Doesn't he use water/ heating from the boiler? Do you think he would forego his share of the equity if your were to divorce because he didn't contribute to the maintenance of the property?