I don't know what to do about my step daughter

cazziebo

I've had two teenage girls - and come through the other side. You have described one of my daughters to a T. Add in some running away for days on end, truanting and shoplifting you've got her. It really was a living hell. Anyway, as a lovely poster on here advised me, it all came right in the end. And it sounds if your stepdaughter has come through the worst.

Sadly, I don't think her behaviour is that unusual for a teenager. There's tremendous pressure on young people now, and not a lot of support for them. All her friends are working, presumably with an income, and new experiences - no wonder she's feeling isolated and has low self esteem.

Although I agree with much of what Dom Ravioli says, I do think you have a very tough job as a stepdad here. I think you have every right to say what you think is acceptable and what isn't. If you're doing a job that pays for the roof over her head, the food she eats and the power she uses, you should not be cleaning up after her. You're working, she isn't. She should be making a contribution to the household just like everyone else.

I don't feel I can give advice, having made such a pig's ear of it myself. However, I can say, it does get better. XX

justjohn

You have 2 problems.
Your partner and your step daughter.
You need to get your partner on side and tackle this together. (good luck on that one, could be more difficult than sorting out your daughter)


if I were you would really not like the comment "you've never had kids of your own you wouldn't understand". so what have you been for the last 4 years.


I have been in a less serious situation with my step son. I have let things slide whilst he was a child however now I have made a stand and expect him to be treated like an adult in adulthood.

summerspring

DomRavioli wrote: »

Hi OP,

Seems to me like you have the attitude problem. You can't fake a suicide attempt - either they did, or they didn't - it is that simple. Coupled with self harm, sounds like she may have a few mental health problems that you either don't care to acknowledge, or just plain don't care about. People don't self harm unless they feel they NEED to do so; and you've dismissed it completely in your first paragraph. I had a step parent like you OP, dismissive, controlling and just not cut out to be a parent (I'd never get anywhere in life etc), and when I walked out of high school with 13 GCSEs, I laughed in their face - encourage them, don't get derogatory, or you may have it happen to you. I now have a decently paid job, good family life, am happy, and I did manage a 1st with honours from UofM - not bad considering.

And just a quick one on post #14 - having zero motivation to do things which suck is both normal for a teenager, and can be a very large sign of depression if they perhaps have found some happiness in them previously. It also is not your responsibility to dismiss things - you're a step parent, that is all - so don't knock the poor girl any more than you already have done.

I suggest you learn how to be a better step-parent, rather than how to "fix" your step daughter; seems like apart from being a typical teenager she's doing fine even with the blatantly obvious mental health issues.

I think you might be projecting a bit.. But it's true the OP sounds like he's got quite a determined sort of personality, and the mum (his OH) is probably a bit protective of her surviving daughter. So maybe there's one parent who's tough on the girl and the other one who over-compensates by mollycoddling her?

Btw having zero motivation to do things which suck is not specific to adolescents. I think that's life :rotfl: *looks at huge pile of ironing that's been sitting on the side for a few days now..*
If there are still MH issues they should of course be addressed, but not to trade on it for the rest of her life, iyswim.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

It is possible - very possible - to have suicidal ideation but not intent. And, when faced with the terror on an already bereaved mother's face, it could be she thought it was kinder to say she was only joking, rather than admit it. Putting on a face, ie, makeup, appearing happy so as to hide turmoil, is also common.

But at the same time, I wouldn't clean up after her, as it protects her from being 'found out' as not coping - maybe, if the mess pushes her mum to say something, if there really is depression, it could actually come out, rather than be swept under the carpet.

Untidiness and messiness is common to teenagers and adults with depression. If you're struggling to get through the day/night, the last thing you want to do is think about anything around you, make plans, get motivated.


It might help for you to read up about depression before you decide what else to do or say.

good_advice

Teen years are hard work on all the family.
Your DD is now 16 and bang in the middle of it!
A few years to go yet!
Nothing you say or do will be right. It will be a bumpy road.

My good advice - when things are carm, give your helpful advice.
Your DD will listen and can then decide to take it or not.

Tact = wait till she wants something! a lift somewhare, money or needs your help and then say only after some choirs are done.

Marshmallow82

Can you put a stop to pocket money? That will mean she has to get a part time job

princeofpounds

I think you may find it possible to progress more easily with all parties involved if you and your partner agree on what to do going forward, and separate that from trying to unwind behaviours (which can also be attempted, perhaps).

An example of what I mean would be driving lessons and cars. If she really wants to drive, then you might want to agree that she has to earn the money for lessons and a car, rather than get it given to her. She may eventually get frustrated with herself and work towards the goal. It would be easier than, again for example, cutting her allowance.

(That's just an example, not specific advice, particularly if you feel that lacking transport might be a means to avoid a job or proper study. And it might be better to start with small things first).

Basically, try to let her own motivations drive her rather than trying to impose your own on her. And you can be massively supportive of her efforts, even if they start off small, rather than negative about her lack of efforts.

If she feels like she is being punished, that is going to produce a powerful and instant reaction against you.

I would also try to get her to stay involved with people and with sunlight. So get outside for the afternoon (again, we aren't talking 6am fell runs or anything that would be punishing - get her up early for her, but not early full stop). What you do depends a lot on your family preferences; for example if she likes art, take her to an event at a gallery (and park with a bit of a walk involved) or a sculpture park outside. Or whatever.

Seanymph

http://www.steptogether.org/disengaging.html

you may 'love her like a daughter' - but she is your step daughter, and that brings a lot more complications, on all sides, than you are allowing in.

Step mums (and I include myself) go into it thinking love will conquer all and if they act like a mum and talk like a mum they will get the respect and response a mum would get. And that just isn't true.

The American step momming books (English don't seem to write them) all peddle this, but when push comes to shove you do not automatically have the same respect that you would if she was your child.

So allowances have to be made for that - and your husband is the one who should be stepping up.

DomRavioli

Flumina wrote: »

I think you might be projecting a bit.. But it's true the OP sounds like he's got quite a determined sort of personality, and the mum (his OH) is probably a bit protective of her surviving daughter. So maybe there's one parent who's tough on the girl and the other one who over-compensates by mollycoddling her? It isn't for a step parent to behave like they have, I guess that was the point I was trying to get across.

Btw having zero motivation to do things which suck is not specific to adolescents. I think that's life :rotfl: *looks at huge pile of ironing that's been sitting on the side for a few days now..*
If there are still MH issues they should of course be addressed, but not to trade on it for the rest of her life, iyswim.

Couldn't agree more Flumina, you put it a lot more concisely than I did.

mrsHall2b

DomRavioli wrote: »

Couldn't agree more Flumina, you put it a lot more concisely than I did.

my other half is stepdad to my daughter, i dont do anything regarding her without speaking to him about it first. He may not have been there when she was created but hes been there through everything else which in my eyes makes him more of a father than her 'real' dad who didnt see her for the 18 months..

i would never say oh your only her step dad so you dont get a word on what happens!