I don't know what to do about my step daughter

Indie_Kid

You sure it's not depression rather than laziness?

summerspring

Everyone needs some purpose in life, something to get up for. Lying in bed and lazing around is ok for a day or two but if it's for much longer than that she'll start to go a bit doolally! It won't help her with her confidence, either.

If she's going to start an art course she's going to need quite a bit of money for the materials, portfolio, etc. Perhaps she could try earning a bit to go towards this? If there are no jobs around (seeing as it's August already and most of the student jobs have probably been taken) then she can do things around the house. Everyone at home should be doing their bit.

I think the longer you and your OH put up with her lounging around doing nothing the harder it will be for her to break the habit. Oh and I don't want to alarm you further but chances are her behaviour might worsen at college, which tends to be a lot less regimented and disciplined than school, and teens have more freedom to do as they want.

I'd try and nip the situation in the bud now, I think. Good luck!

summerspring

Indie_Kid wrote: »

You sure it's not depression rather than laziness?

I did wonder if there were some deep-seated issues which were causing the behaviour, but she seems to be able to summon up the energy to do the things she wants to do, (putting her make-up on, etc) just not the things she doesn't want to do. I don't think that's depression.

sulphate

I didn't have a job during the summer between GCSEs and sixth form. I got one the following year and rather valued that summer as the last one where I had all that time off! I didn't think I was particularly lazy. I'm surprised your SD's peers all have jobs, even when I was applying for weekend jobs while I was at sixth form many of them wanted at least GCSEs.

I assume she must get an allowance? How much is this? Maybe it's too much, if it was lower she would have a bit more incentive to look for work. That was the main incentive for me getting a weekend job at sixth form, I didn't expect my parents to up my allowance so I got a job.

She should definitely be cleaning up after herself, but again, if it's being done for her, she has no incentive to clean up her act.

Errata

all our daughter wants to do is get up whenever she wants, and then gets back in bed to eat and sit on her computer and phone. Eventually she'll get up, shower and get ready with all her make-up, eat dinner and then do nothing again.

Given the daughter's earlier serious mental health problems, I don't think that ^ is normal behaviour and I'd be very worried if I was her parent.

TBagpuss

Errata wrote: »

Given the daughter's earlier serious mental health problems, I don't think that ^ is normal behaviour and I'd be very worried if I was her parent.

I agree. The type of behviour in the past is very troubling and the current attitude may be a different expression of the same issues. Did she get any professional help before?

Also - she is a teenager, not a young child. You may get further by trying to discuss with her than by trying to 'make' her do anything. If you can rule out mental health issues, then I think the advice to stop running round after her, and to try to discuss the situation with your partner in order to agree on some house rules. If your daughter is in the habit of being run after then she is likely to see any attempt to get her to help as mean and unreasonable, so start small.

DomRavioli

Hi OP,

Seems to me like you have the attitude problem. You can't fake a suicide attempt - either they did, or they didn't - it is that simple. Coupled with self harm, sounds like she may have a few mental health problems that you either don't care to acknowledge, or just plain don't care about. People don't self harm unless they feel they NEED to do so; and you've dismissed it completely in your first paragraph. I had a step parent like you OP, dismissive, controlling and just not cut out to be a parent (I'd never get anywhere in life etc), and when I walked out of high school with 13 GCSEs, I laughed in their face - encourage them, don't get derogatory, or you may have it happen to you. I now have a decently paid job, good family life, am happy, and I did manage a 1st with honours from UofM - not bad considering.

And just a quick one on post #14 - having zero motivation to do things which suck is both normal for a teenager, and can be a very large sign of depression if they perhaps have found some happiness in them previously. It also is not your responsibility to dismiss things - you're a step parent, that is all - so don't knock the poor girl any more than you already have done.

I suggest you learn how to be a better step-parent, rather than how to "fix" your step daughter; seems like apart from being a typical teenager she's doing fine even with the blatantly obvious mental health issues.

sharnad

Stop cleaning up after her , if your having trouble doing your job and doing everything for her don't. If you stop your wife will soon see how much you used to do and appreciate it more

Carl31

As a stepfather myself, I know it can sometimes be difficult, as you are not their actual father. I have been a step dad to mine since they were 3/4 and they're now 12 and 13

whether you were involved in her procreation or not, you are her father figure, and she needs that influence in her life. Doesn't matter if you've not had kids, she still needs that discipline in her life. Time to start laying down some ground rules, better late than never

HPoirot

ecpcsb wrote: »

I love my step-daughter, like she is my own. But I want her to learn, have some drive in her, get some motivation, try and achieve something in life, and realise that nothing in life comes easy...you have to work hard to get anywhere.

Seeing as you are alone with her during the day, how about sitting down with a cup of tea and gently telling her the above? That you would be proud if she tried hard, started taking some responsibility, etc.

It may be beneficial to talk to her away from your partner, who may, without realising it, make your step-daughter feel as if she doesn't need to lift a finger to be "special" and would be letting her mum down if she tried. These things often play at the subconscious level. Happens very often unfortunately. You could try to make her understand that without a purpose, life is pretty much a drab journey.

I personally would not tackle the chores issue without trying to make her understand where you are coming from.